Hi. Ive been struggling with a terrible biological father since coming out offically in 2017. Both of my parents had awful reactions to my coming out as a lesbian but my mum has generally come around over the years. On the other hand, Wayne has called me "disgusting, against nature, too stupid to live without a man," and told me the idea of me being with a woman makes him want to vomit and makes him lose sleep, and if its a matter of choosing then i should choose straight for the betterment of my life, and that im too mentally ill to decide what my sexual orientation is (i have anxiety and depression issues like the rest of the family). He said that my feelings of hurt are not inherently more important than his and by asking him to accept me im being political and putting the "gay agenda" onto him. Whatever that means. He constantly gaslights me when i point out that he says these things. He drives me nuts. I feel i have no self worth. I feel completely useless. I certainly have internalized everything he says. I feel like ive been at my wits end for years now. Just a rollercoaster of deep lows (because of external and internal homophobia) and easy going highs (no thanks to anyone but forced self love). Plenty of times i would rather be dead. I have ruined relationships and even friendships directly and indirectly because of my internalized homophobia. Im a big ball of self hate deep down and only love myself sometimes. Im not in the position to move out just yet. Especially since a depression seems to be coming, it definitely wouldnt make financial sense to go. I dont have anyone in my life right now to help me. I need advice and kind words to keep on keeping on. For some context im 22. I offcially came out when i was 19. In 2009ish they went through my messages and found out i was discovering my queerness and there was a smaller bad reaction from both of them so I stuffed it down and it was incredibly painful to rediscover what i hid from myself once i neared the end of highschool. Any kind words help.