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Suffering deeply within my family home

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by MarianneC, Jun 19, 2020.

  1. MarianneC

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    Lesbian
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    Out to everyone
    Hi. Ive been struggling with a terrible biological father since coming out offically in 2017. Both of my parents had awful reactions to my coming out as a lesbian but my mum has generally come around over the years. On the other hand, Wayne has called me "disgusting, against nature, too stupid to live without a man," and told me the idea of me being with a woman makes him want to vomit and makes him lose sleep, and if its a matter of choosing then i should choose straight for the betterment of my life, and that im too mentally ill to decide what my sexual orientation is (i have anxiety and depression issues like the rest of the family). He said that my feelings of hurt are not inherently more important than his and by asking him to accept me im being political and putting the "gay agenda" onto him. Whatever that means. He constantly gaslights me when i point out that he says these things. He drives me nuts. I feel i have no self worth. I feel completely useless. I certainly have internalized everything he says.
    I feel like ive been at my wits end for years now. Just a rollercoaster of deep lows (because of external and internal homophobia) and easy going highs (no thanks to anyone but forced self love). Plenty of times i would rather be dead. I have ruined relationships and even friendships directly and indirectly because of my internalized homophobia. Im a big ball of self hate deep down and only love myself sometimes.
    Im not in the position to move out just yet. Especially since a depression seems to be coming, it definitely wouldnt make financial sense to go. I dont have anyone in my life right now to help me. I need advice and kind words to keep on keeping on.

    For some context im 22. I offcially came out when i was 19. In 2009ish they went through my messages and found out i was discovering my queerness and there was a smaller bad reaction from both of them so I stuffed it down and it was incredibly painful to rediscover what i hid from myself once i neared the end of highschool.
    Any kind words help.
     
    #1 MarianneC, Jun 19, 2020
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 19, 2020
  2. mellissa

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    First of all, you are a strong and amazing person for coming out.

    Second, I'm so sorry for what you are dealing with. I can't help you. However, the community facilitators and advisors can help you deal with this. If you message them directly, I'm sure that can give you help.

    I just need to know, do you feel safe in your home? Do you feel that somebody might hurt you or that you might hurt yourself. Since restrictions are being lifted, there might be some shelters that you can go to without fear of Covid-19. If you feel you might hurt yourself, please go to an emergency room or a clinic somewhere.

    I just want you to know that you deserve love and happiness.
     
  3. MarianneC

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    Thanks for replying cause thats helping too. Its really nice to hear that last bit about what i deserve. I doubt it'll escalate to a physical violence but if it did you can bet your ass Ill press charges. I mean i never really looked into shelters. Seems like id be taking up a valuable spot for someone in more of a desperate situation.
    Really i just have to find a way to no longer care what my parents think of me. Which is tougher than it sounds.
     
  4. mellissa

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    Of course it is difficult. Most of or lives we looked to our parents for guidance on what we should and shouldn't do and who we should and shouldn't be. It is great that you are not going to let anybody harm you like that. By the way, if the situation at home upsets you so much that you start to think of ways to harm/kill yourself, please don't be afraid to go to a shelter, hospital, or clinic. Trust me you won't be taking anybody's spot.

    If you ever want to vent or talk, I'm here.
     
  5. bingostring

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    Your father’s comments are truly appalling - and damaging.
    Bordering on psychological abuse.
    I hope you can see it for what it is and it should have no place in your life or your feelings about yourself.
    Be strong.
    He may change in time but don’t hold your breath.
    Good luck with your ongoing journey!!!