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suddenly gay

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by mobius5, Aug 15, 2021.

  1. mobius5

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    Hi, I'm 31 years old. I have Asperger's syndrome. I've always been nervous and shy around people, both men and women. But up until a couple of months ago I had little doubt that I was more or less a straight man.

    I was raised into a religious family that truth be told was more like a cult than an ordinary religion. In any case it had the usual western religious trait of not being too partial to homosexuality. Having said that I started doubting literally everything about my upbringing when I was a young teenager and I've basically always been accepting of gay people, even if that was "against the rules" though I only had one gay friend and we were never very close, not close enough to discuss these issues anyway. I can remember when I started noticing girls/women as a young teenager. I was always super shy and insecure about myself. I was always embarrassed to be in locker rooms and such but I honestly don't remember feeling anything like an attraction to any boys/men at the time. If there was, it was so well repressed or deep in my mind I never recognized it at all. Except *maybe* in 6th grade I had a strange sudden urge to constantly hang out with a fellow boy but this was before I even knew anything about sex in any kind of mature way, and it didn't feel anything like that at the time...

    Fast forward to maybe a few to five years ago. I vaguely started to be aware of the fact that I would get uncomfortable around certain pictures of men like underwear ads or such. I would not describe these feelings like when I see a beautiful woman I liked; it was far too vague for that. Or maybe something deep and powerful in my mind forced me to 'shut it down' so quickly it simply never got to that point where I could recognize it.
    Basically it was just a very uncomfortable feeling, like I needed to look away, and I usually did. So, looking back, I avoided situations, unconsciously.
    Then at my job there was a guy (boy/man? I feel odd even talking this way yet, still not at all used to it) my age who was good looking, and I noticed one day and had a little moment that caused me to pause. I brushed it off and though "well I'm just noticing a person is good-looking doesn't mean anything sexual"

    Eventually I realized I was looking at a male character from a video game in exactly the same way I looked at 'Lara Croft' for example. That caused me to pause again. This was about a year ago; I talked to a person online I happen to know was bi and she explained some things. At the time I came to the conclusion that I was still straight; that I sort of just used that as an excuse to talk to her in particular (which I had wanted to do...)

    But these little hints kept coming and getting stronger. Eventually I came across another person online who was bi and I talked to him. Then something completely crazy happened. After one or two conversations, [I think spurred on literally just by the comment "I really enjoyed our conversation last night"] I suddenly fell madly in love with this person. Or maybe a better way to put it was developed an insane obsessive crush on them.

    Once before in my life I had a pretty intense crush on a girl and couldn't really think straight for a few days. So this may be just part of who I am as a person; I go crazy when I fall in love. This was like that but worse. I was honestly sick to my stomach often for about a week straight. I was depressed, my mood went up and down. I had insane thoughts. I didn't even know who they were in real life or what they look like. I started fantasizing about it; I was hesitant at first but I decided; let's just let it play out and see what happens. Low and behold I apparently had no problem fantasizing about having full on sex with a guy. A few times before in my life I thought about that like just as a thought experiment. And every time I came away feeling like that was gross and totally unappealing to me, so I couldn't be gay. Yet now, apparently that changed. Or perhaps it has more to do with friendship/love/emotion than the physical part, for me at least. Of course, I haven't actually slept with a man yet, or come remotely close to that...

    This happened so suddenly that it put me into a state of total shock, confusion, depression and near insanity. What didn't help is a bunch of unrelated bad stuff happened with my job and family during the same week.
    After several days, I had a bizarre episode where I cried on and off for about an hour then this extreme obsessives thought pattern lifted, like a huge weight and I felt mostly back to normal; healthy anyways. But what happened happened and I still like this person. I still don't even know what they looked like, I like them for who they are; their personality; we have a lot in common, etc... They just happen to be a man...

    And now I'm not sure what to think. I guess I am a bisexual person?? I mean I still like women, always have. I don't think that's changed. I've started looking at men differently. I think, I'm not sure but I think if I'm honest with myself this was always the case; but I unconsciously suppressed whatever feelings might be there before they could even manifest themselves at the surface of my consciousness? I mean part of me feels really happy about it, like I'm free and this was intended and the way it should be. As if I was actually in the wrong all my life until now.

    Why did this happen suddenly to me now? Was it because I began meditating in 2018? I've read meditation can retrieve repressed memories and stuff. Was it from cabin fever of quarantining through the past year? Or no reason at all? The worst part is now I'm afraid of what else I don't know about myself. What if in another 10 years from now I discover I'm actually trans? Or something else? I know I should be proud of who I am but my life has already been difficult enough before all this happened. I grew up with Asperger's syndrome. I haven't had a good relationship with my family. I didn't ask for this, or want this. It feels like the universe played a practical joke on me. I'm kind of angry.
    But... I'm also glad. I feel like being bi could be a lot of fun. Like I have more options; I can love anybody :grin: But... being openly gay is a difficult life; I'm assuming?? Up until now (for good or bad) I've had the luxury of being able to say 'I'm an average white guy who isn't the target of any hate crimes or anything like that'. I don't honestly know if I could handle being openly gay; at least at this point in my life.
     
  2. Chase8

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    Hey mobius,
    I’m not the most qualified on this forum to advise you, but I have read a stupid amount of posts on here so maybe I can help a little.
    Ultimately, only you’ll know what you are and nobody here will be able to tell you. The fantasies are the accepted indicator, but sexual orientation obviously has a sexual component to it. I could imagine having a romantic relationship or even sex with a man if I wanted to. I’ve done it so much at this point that it doesn’t necessarily even bother me. The difference is that I don’t find these fantasies sexually arousing like someone who is genuinely attracted to men. So if you have no problem imagining it that’s different then being able to successfully masturbate to these thoughts.
    So, are aroused by thoughts about having sex with men or are you just able to think about them? If your aroused by them then it’s possible your bisexual.
    Another thing about obsessions, and this is from my therapist, is that they often come in waves. Some days are better than others. It is difficult to decipher what is obsessive thinking and what is normal thinking, especially if you haven’t adopted a method for it. So if your orientation is something that becomes obsessive, such as constant testing and rumination, chances are you’ll need a therapist before you can really answer any questions about it.
     
  3. mobius5

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    thanks for the response. I don't feel obsessed over my orientation. I was obsessed/in a depression over this particular crush/love for a very specific amount of time then it very suddenly lifted, though I still have very strong feelings for this particular person, it now feels more normal/manageable. Like I'm in control of myself once again. Honestly; with orientation/pronouns and all of that; I really don't care about it too much. I'm into Eastern/Buddhist philosophy of the kind that discourages focusing on labels and definitions of one's self. I don't really care all that much about what people call me or how I'm identified honestly. I mean, I do want to understand how my mind works and what I'm attracted to and what I'm not; but I'm not too overly concerned about it right now. I'm actually trying to just get around my life pretty ordinarily; apart from pursuing this... relationship(?) with this person online, which I'm not even sure is wise, it probably isn't.... but I want to so badly...
    Yes, it is safe to say I'm aroused by thoughts I've had (am having)... believe me... oh boy am I getting aroused... I don't really want to "test" anything unless it seems nessecary or presents itself; quite honestly it hasn't and isn't going to anytime soon. I never asked people (girls up until now) out on a date that I didn't know. I only ever got together with girls which I knew for a while and you could say, in at least some form, fell in love with before we even 'got together'.
    No, I can't lie, I am pretty certain I am and have had an attraction to male human beings for a long time, just kept ignoring it; blocking it so deeply I didn't even think about. If asked or talk about gayness came up I would laugh and joke around with everyone else but I was nervous about it; very insecure, I realize only now...
    Now when gay jokes come up at my job (Which happens ad nauseum btw...) I actually feel more comfortable with it... because I know, I'm not insecure anymore (at least with myself, still very insecure with others). Sometimes I'm actually laughing on the inside because *they don't know*... lol
    I don't really know; I guess I'll find out when I see where it goes from here.
     
  4. Sadness

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    Hi.

    There are somethings i want to point out, my view of your situation, as chase8 i have problems witg sexual obsession too, tested too much even if it doesnt actually give the real deal if you know what i mean.

    So its safe to say that you indeed feel aroused by your fantasies with men, this is pretty telling, different than porn that is made to arouse you. About your attraction, i dont know much about love and all that bc the last time i felt this was 4 years ago soi domt remember how it feels to be in love. But i do had a problema with a gay friend, that i constantly obsessed about him, and everytime i was thinking about him, even if i didnt want to, it was literally giving me panic attacks constantly, because like i said, i used to test with him, romantic/sexual things but never got aroused. But for some reason i have this real anxiety whenever i talk to him or he suddenly pops up in my mind.

    And it seems to be different for you, you actually like all this and even get aroused by fantasies with him, and you certainly dont have panic attacks like i used to lol.

    So yeah i think you can be bisexual, those things are pretty telling. But take care about this onlinr love and stuff, people can be very different in real life. So get to know this person personally is a better way for you to really know if you are in love with him.

    You dont seem to be like me, that has a lot of problems with anxiety, so maybe you are indeed bi.
     
  5. Lemony

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    You seem like you may be bisexual. I have NVLD which has a few similar struggles as ASD so I can understand that part and how that that is.
     
  6. QuietPeace

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    Welcome to EC.

    As far as your title, I do not think that (barring major brain injury) peoples orientation etc change. I think that people may suppress things due to society, church, family etc and finally realize who they are eventually, which may appear to be a sudden change to anyone observing.

    I am also ASD (diagnosed Aspergers) and was raised in an extremist church that was either a cult or a borderline cult, I know that those things can interfere with our realizing who we are truly and how we should live our lives.

    I have known people who did not realize until much later than their 30's, it happens. It could be some of these things that you mention or some other reason that you have grown to realize who you are. Does it really matter why as long as you now do realize the truth of who you are?

    No one can actually predict the future, if you realize new things later then just go ahead and deal with them then.

    I don't think that people should be proud of things that they have no control over. I am not proud of being ASD, of being a woman who was assigned male at birth etc. I AM proud of the fact that I have stood up against everyone and that I live as my true self and that I have dealt with the many difficulties which I have.

    I think that you can acknowledge who you are without it defining you or how you have to live. I think that labels are simply for communicating who we are to people and that they should not limit us or define how we have to live. (I am Taoist by the way)
     
  7. Chase8

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    You seem fairly comfortable with your attractions so I wouldn’t stress too much on putting a label on anything. If it doesn’t cause you anxiety or cause more questions, I would just go where your mind tells you. Labels will come once you are comfortable with one, I imagine, or you can keep it open.
    I honestly don’t know how people can keep it repressed or in denial for so long tbh. I have a younger brother who has been openly gay since he knew what being gay was and that’s the same story I’ve heard from the majority of my gay friends as well. I grew up in a big city in the northeast US and my parents have always been socially liberal so maybe that’s why i’ve seen different. I think surrounding yourself by gay people will make you feel more comfortable with this revelation if it’s something that bothers you. Also understand that stereotypes are pretty untrue if that’s what makes you uncomfortable or insecure. My brother doesn’t have any of the mannerisms that are typically attributed to gay guys.
    I guess being in a repressive environment can hide your attractions but I imagine you’d have to have some inkling right? I hear stories on here where guys/girls have sex with the opposite sex and fantasize about the opposite sex and then turn 35 and suddenly realize they like the same sex. I mean I can’t really wrap my head around that and that’s what confuses me more. Did those guys just never test their attractions to the same sex or did they fantasize about the same sex and just ignore their desires? It’s confusing to someone like me because I question if my attraction to men will flare up later on in my life. I can only fantasize about women currently but maybe down the road… I guess I just have to be open to that possibility.
     
    #7 Chase8, Aug 16, 2021
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  8. masterofnone

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    do you truly believe that these same sex attractions came about all of a sudden? it seems from what you’ve written that you have sensed hints here and there in your past but are just now coming to terms with it. when you masturbate what do you fantasise about? men, women or both? from what you’ve written bisexual would seem the most fitting but only you can know
     
  9. mobius5

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    I too am a bit surprised by some things I read here. Like people watching a lot of gay porn and it making them nervous and them saying they're straight... Idk I don't watch a lot of porn anymore, never gay porn. Honestly I'm afraid to... (cause I'm afraid I'll like it?? idk). I'm way too shy and nervous to even talk about masturbation. I've never masturbated to a mental image in my life.
    I've been in 'true' love so few times I barely remember what it felt like recently.

    I swear to god I don't recall having any noticeable sexual attraction to boys when I was a teenager. I most certainly recall noticing girls for the first time. I became a little obsessed with a few girls in my class as a matter of fact. I was really dumb (still am?) and would stare at some of them way too often sometimes. But don't remember anything from a boy at that time. Nothing.
    This is all just guesswork but it seems to me like this male attraction took much longer to mature; the hints only came later; in my mid to late 20s. And the things I mentioned like that urge to hang out with a boy my age in 6th grade is a strong maybe, cause I don't remember anything remotely sexual about it.

    The inklings were (I guess?) when I was insecure about being accused of being gay in jokes and such. They always made me uncomfortable, even though I'd laugh on the outside and shrug it off. Now, suddenly, that I've admitted it, I don't feel that same way anymore. I just laugh honestly. At work I've been going around with a tiny smile on my face often, just thinking (if only they knew....). Ok; I'll admit this is wrong but it feels a little good, like a power over people, knowing something they don't. Maybe you'd have to understand the climate at my particular job for this to make sense...

    Even now; most of this is as I said comes from interactions online; I don't know what this person looks like at all. Just know their voice and mannerisms, and that they seem like a really fun person to hang out with in real life. And for some reason I get intensely aroused now sometimes just chatting with them about mundane things. I've had waaaaaaaaaaaaay too inappropriate thoughts about this poor person and too frequently. I don't know where the hell this comes from; other than it was there in my head for ages but so deeply repressed, had no idea it was there, then came suddenly pouring out like a leaky faucet without any control.

    The fact that I cried that one day is telling to me. I don't cry very often. I most certainty went through some kind of bizarre psychotic episode. I should probably see a therapist but they're expensive and I'm afraid to.
    The only other time in my life I've experienced such extreme emotions was when I was meditating intensely and had sudden and intense fear, openness and urges to tell people truths I'd lied about for a long time, like my beliefs about religion to my family.
     
  10. 41confused

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    Mobius, I am 41 years old and in a similar situation. I've always been extremely attracted to women, and until two months ago never had same sex attractions or fantasies. I was grossed out by gay porn and (further in the past) was grossed out by men embracing or kissing. A few months ago my wife suggested to me that I might be bisexual, and that seemed to flip a sexual switch in me. I immediately began fantasizing about sex with men, and began to be attracted to men in the real world. This has been the most surprising experience of my entire life. I'm not sure exactly where I'll land on the gay-bi-straight spectrum, but it sure doesn't look like I'm merely straight.

    Either my same sex attraction is emergent or it was repressed, or a bit of both. I come from a deeply Evangelical Christian family and have been disentangling myself from that belief system for about four years now. Living in this environment and a generally socially conservative culture has clearly been a factor in my repression. I had a homophobic wall built around my same sex feelings before I even knew I had any. I can absolutely see how meditation would allow you access repressed sexual desires. Cannabis does that for me. I wouldn't recommend it to everyone as it can be jarring at times, but accessing subconscious thoughts and fears can be very helpful in discovering who it is you actually are. This was elemental in disentangling myself from family religion, and I had a psychotic episode that lasted almost a week during this process. It was intense and scary but ultimately positive for my self integration.

    Therapy has been very helpful for me as well. I'm working with a counselor through BetterHelp. I have a weekly phone call and unlimited online messsaging with my counselor. The messaging has been a great way for me to organize my thoughts and move more quickly than I ever have though my repressed thoughts and emotions. They have financial aid available that can make it pretty reasonable. I too was scared to start therapy, but now that I have I wish I had started years ago. My wife is doing it as well and feels the same way. Either way, don't go through this alone. Love who you want to love, you are awesome!
     
  11. Sadness

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    Well i see a lot of people saying that porn isnt a good indicator of sexuality, im starting to feel aroused by gay porn, dont know why, but i dont think only this would make me gay, what could mean im bi/gay are some arousal i feel when fantasizing about men, but cant keep up, so very confused. But porn... hm, i dont think it means much, i already watched a lot of things in porn so i should be the worst person alive.

    I cant say about you beeing denying your feelings since im also confused on this, dk if im just denying, but you seem pretty confident in your arousal for this person, and it seems to feel good, so maybe you really like that person, i dont know how love feels but it sure seems to feel nice. So no worries about porn, but if i may say, dont watch it, addiction to porn is horrible and i can say myself, a guy whos been addicted to porn for maybe what 5 years? So stay away from this drug lol and think about this person you like is more enjoyable. :slight_smile:
     
    #11 Sadness, Aug 26, 2021
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  12. mobius5

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    thanks for the response, and hey don't call yourself the worst person alive. You seem really nice :grin: Actually I've struggled with depression many times in my life and sometimes the silliest things helped me... I'm ashamed to admit porn may have been one of those things a couple of times. But I agree with you it can also be like a drug and also just a huge time waster. I try to avoid it these days.

    Love feels like the most wonderful thing in the universe but I think it takes a lot of experience, wisdom, maturity and responsibility to handle correctly. The very few times in my life I got to actually feel it I blew any chance I had at it in the long term. But I agree with that old quote "better to love and lost than never love at all."