I guess I'm just curious how many others deal with substance abuse and addiction issues, with gender dysphoria being a huge reason behind it. My main substance issues are with adderall and alcohol. I'm prescribed the adderall and actually do need it, but I tend to abuse it because it tends to just give me this feeling that everything will be ok. I go from a depressed, pretty pessimistic person to feeling like "ALL IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD AND I LOVE ERRRBODY!"...lol. It gives me confidence and sometimes completely takes away the terrified feelings of "oh ****, I really am trans, what the hell am I going to do?" But when it comes to dysphoria, I mainly turn to alcohol. I know people experience dysphoria differently, but for me its just this constant hyper-focus on my body and everything about it that doesn't match who I am. I literally feel like my skin is crawling and I just want to slip out of my body as if it's some kind of suit or disguise. But I CAN'T... Sometimes it gets so bad that I can't really do anything other than have a complete breakdown of uncontrollable crying, often shaking and sometimes almost screaming because of just being THAT physically uncomfortable. NOTHING I do or anyone else says or does will make it stop. Except alcohol. It's the only thing I've found that dulls out the feeling of my skin crawling and the hyper-focusing on my body. It makes me not care about exactly how terrifying all this really is, all the things I'll have to go through if I transition, the fact that I know I HAVE to transition or eventually I won't be here anymore... I will admit that I tend to have substance abuse issues anyway for a lot of other reasons. I've had issues with binge drinking for several years, ever since I started drinking which was before I even really questioned my gender (whether or not it was part of the reason and I didn't realize it at the time, idk). But I've noticed the dysphoria is a huge part of it and just wondered if anyone else can relate, or has found some way (other than transitioning, I can't really do that yet) that helps. Anyway, I guess I just kinda needed to vent...I've been slipping up a lot lately with these issues. I'm back to drinking an average of 15-20 shots of vodka a night or more, which I haven't done this often in several years. I got more Adderall today too which is giving me a huge urge to just take a lot of it and get that nice "all is right with the world" feeling. So yeah. I guess I'll shut up now...thanks for reading and any replies or advice. (*hug*)
I can relate very well. I used to drink. I have been completely sober for 2 months now and I have decided not to drink for couple of years if I can help it. I take antabuses if I have to. I am alcoholic. If I drink bad things happen. I also used to abuse drugs doctor ordered me for anxiety. I took it also with alcohol. I refuse to take drugs of that kind anymore and I am very open about this to doctors so they won't give it to me if I try to ask for it. Dysphoria was one of the reasons for drinking. I only had the strength to stop when it became clear that it's possible for me to transition. I didn't realize how bad my dysphoria actually was. I just wanted to escape it and not to think about it. I just had contant anxiety that never went away. It was a mix of every issue I had. Alcohol helped in a way but I become very unpredictable and unstable when I get drunk. My life was in danger every time although usually nothing happened. The risk was there every time though. Since I started drinking 8 years ago I have never been able to be sober this long. This was extremely hard at first. I kept drinking tons of beer that has no alcohol. I had to start with antabuses since without it I only managed 5 days tops. It was hard. I wanted to drink so bad but I know I won't get the new life I want and can now get if I keep drinking. I have been generally happier without alcohol but I know it's because I have hope now. I have something to look for. Not only transitioning but I will move to another city and start studying again. I will change my name before that so I won't have to introduce myself with my feminine name. I don't have much advice. This is a difficult issue. For me changing things that didn't work helped. I had to get completely new life before I could stop drinking. Chance to transition made me change things but I could have done all this without it if I would have had enough energy to think about this (or if I thought I deserved any of this). It's still not set in stone and it might take years before anything happens but I still got my new life. I will try very hard to not to mess this up.
First off, thanks for replying and congratulations on being sober 2 months (!) I don't know if I've ever made it longer than a month or so without drinking, so that's awesome. I know the main thing that's kept me going and has helped the drinking not get TOO bad (most of the time) is trying to hold on to my plan for the future. I live in Texas but have a really good support group of friends in florida that know I'm trans and are really awesome about it. They treat me like a normal human...not the freak that I feel like I am. So that's nice. Anyway my plan is to live here for a little while and save up money, then eventually move there and transition. Deep down I sometimes question if that will ever actually happen, especially lately...but I have to hold on to that hope. It's the only thing that keeps me going most of the time, honestly. (While typing this I realized that I've been questioning if I'll ever actually move and transition and stuff a lot more lately, and that's probably a huge reason behind why the drinking has gotten worse. Hmm...) Anyway, I appreciate the reply...knowing I'm not the only one actually helps me believe maybe things will get better...someday. (*hug*)
I used to get high on solvents a lot (on and off since I was 13, but now not since May! Also PLEASE nobody do this, it can really fuck you up), and I drink fairly heavily. The solvent abuse was pretty closely linked to dysphoria, because it was definitely at its worst when I was trying to fit in at a single-sex school and was in deep denial about my gender, but still unable to shake the feeling that something was very wrong. The feeling I got from it was essentially an escape from reality, so an escape from the reality where I was perceived and treated as a girl. I also know what you mean about the lack of worry about being trans, as that's what I get when I drink. I've actually come out to a bunch of people I didn't intend to come out to because I was drunk at the time – thankfully they seem to be fine with it. Anyway, sorry that my reply has ended up being just me sharing my experiences rather than trying to help you/give advice... I guess it's at least a show of solidarity, right?
Being hopeless and feeling trapped is one of the worst things there is. It's extremely difficult to handle. It's good that you have plans and supportive friends. I try to think beforehand what I will do when the anxiety gets worse. Mostly I just try to think about future and congatulate myself on coping this far. I am allowed to do pretty much everything but drink of self harm. Sometimes I buy Easter eggs, go to bed and pretend that I am a kid and it's Easter morning. I can get pretty creative. It has gotten easier now that the anxiety is not my regular state. Having some hope has helped. It also helps a lot that now I actually like myself. That has been a big thing too. SkyColours, I also used to come out to lot of people when I got drunk. Too often, when I was alone at home, I dressed up in fancy mens clothes and went out in a very confused state. I went to a bar and talked to a lot of people and told them pretty much everything about me. :eusa_doh: Luckily nothing really bad happened. Just... Now there is a lot of people whose image on transpeople is based on my drunken performance.
