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Subconsciously falling for a friend?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by LivingTheDream, May 20, 2021.

  1. LivingTheDream

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    Long story (not so) short... lol.

    A little background info. I'm a straight woman. I've had long term male crushes, fooled around, etc but never a long term committed relationship. Part of that issue is my own fault. I have an immense fear of rejection. Because of that, my logic is I will never get rejected if I don't put myself out there. Contrary to popular belief, I'm fine with it. I live a fulfilling life with great friends, an amazing family, and a good job. I know how to ....ahem....fulfill my own needs, when the times arise.

    Two years ago, I met a friend via social media. We share the same interests and hobbies, and connected. We live in the same general metro area of a large city. She's out as a lesbian. Being we share a common interest/hobby, she suggested getting together and partaking in said hobby. I was totally down, because you can never have too many friends. Unfortunately our work schedules conflicted and we never made an official time to hang out but still kept in contact via social media platform. Super cool woman. Down to earth, funny, just everything I love in a friend. (Strictly platonic at this point).

    Months pass, and she tells me she's moving back to her hometown, another large city about 4 hours away. I'm a little sad but hey, we still chat. We have a common circle of the same friends (they've hung out with her but at this point I still haven't met up in person yet).

    The time finally came, a few mutual friends and myself made a road trip to meet her and partake in said hobby. It was an awesome time. Although it was the first time meeting in person I felt like I've known her all my life. That's how great she is. The weekend comes to an end, and we all go back our separate ways. A great time in the books!

    About a couple weeks ago, I have a dream which involved me and her getting very intimate. Keep in mind I've never been with a woman, ever. But when I woke up i can't say I was disgusted or turned off to the thought. The dream, her, and "what we did" stays in my head and I cant shake it. I've never been curious about the same sex until now, in my mid 30s. I find myself wanting to tell her (not the dream about HER, but just that I'm having curious feelings in general). BTW, I have not told a soul about this ordeal. Typing it out on this message board has been the first time it's left my head and was put I to words.


    I'm so confused. This is really new to me. If I was to tell anyone though, it'd be her.

    I do have another female crush, its a coworker but doesn't go nearly as deep as crush on said friend.

    More importantly. Have I subconsciously been falling for my friend all along? Do I tell her?

    A part of me wants to make a weekend trip just to casually visit her and maybe "see where things go" without telling her prior. If we connect and anything happens, I want to know if the feeling is real or if I'm just going through some weird phase.

    My biggest regret is not meeting up with her while she was still living in my area. Who knows what could have come from it.
     
  2. LivingTheDream

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    Also, forgot to add. Thanks so much in advance for taking the time to read my ramblings. :slight_smile: this is truly an awesome forum!
     
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  3. Lemony

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    You could possibly be bisexual and this friend of yours has opened it for you to possibly realise. A friend of mine did a similar thing where I developed feelings and later realised I was bisexual and had not realised yet.
     
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  4. dirtyshirt84

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    It sounds like you are definitely attracted to your friend...do you feel that might be mutual? When you say you also have a crush on another woman it makes me think you are aware of your attraction to women?

    Have you ever been with a man in the past? Who do you fantasise about?

    You could tell your friend about your new feelings and see how she reacts? Then maybe take it from there :slight_smile:
     
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  5. sojabohnenfeld

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    Hi, I highlighted some of the parts I would like to respond to in blue --

    First, I am gay. It doesn't sound like you are gay but do you think this is because society makes us pursue opposite sex relationships for all our life? If not, then maybe you are bi but I would not know...

    long term male crushes -- Recently? I had crushes on both sexes but only when I was younger but that is truly just my experience... I think if the crushes are recent then you are not lesbian but possibly bi and just never thought about it? Not sure if this helps but I thought I would add this because I know how it feels to be confused.

    I'm happy to hear you have met such a good friend, in any case. I know change is hard... so it IS sad when someone moves away, but I hope you find ways to deal with that.

    how great she is -- What I see here is... when you met up with her in person, you really found confidence in your feelings for her and honestly I think that would answer your question that you have been falling for her for some time now but that was what pushed you... I could be wrong of course but I thought that was a possibility.

    I have had dreams about friends of both sexes... so I would not really trust the details of this dream but the fact that you had this dream at all, especially after hanging out, seems to show how truly important this person has been to you.

    Like you, I like to write down my experiences... but I hope some of this helps!
     
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  6. LostInDaydreams

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    Hi @LivingTheDream and welcome to EC,

    As you’ll notice if you read around the forums, you’re not alone and there are quite a few members here who have realised new aspects to their sexuality relatively later in life.

    It is a confusing position to be in and it can be overwhelming. Though, you sound like you’re handling it calmly. As you’ve indicated, posting on EC and putting things into words can be helpful with processing what’s on your mind. There’s no rush to do anything in particular, unless you want to, and it’s fine to take time to think things through.

    I think that this is quite telling and would suggest that you are attracted to her.

    If you feel like discussing this with her in a general sense, i.e. without mentioning your feelings for her specifically, then that could be a good place to start. I think that I would have really valued having somebody understanding to talk to when I was going through questioning (though, luckily I did have EC).

    Do you get the sense that she might feel the same way? If she does, would you be interested in seeing where it goes? Before speaking to her, I would perhaps suggest giving some thought to this, such as how you will feel if she doesn’t feel the same way, what you will say if she asks whether there is a particular person that sparked these feelings, etc. Though, I appreciate you can’t really plan how things might go in the moment.
     
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  7. LivingTheDream

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    First off, I wanna thank everybody for taking the time to respond. It means so much to know that I'm not alone. You guys are super awesome. Now, to answer a few of the questions! Responses in pink.


    That's the ultimate goal :slight_smile: But I have not yet done so. More so subtle hints...

     
  8. LivingTheDream

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    Update: I have not broke the news yet. But am dropping very subtle hints, via social media stories. I know it sounds really childish, but definitely no ill will intended. For example, I posted "This is a weird crush, not weird towards the person of interest, but weird in a sense I've never experienced this before. Definitely a first!" and made the post only visible for her. So I know she read that. Another example, I posted "It's getting harder and harder to get you off of my mind" and she saw that one as well. So she knows, but doesn't "KNOW, KNOW" if you know what I mean.

    PLOT TWIST!!! The juicy part. She posts a couple stories (she likes to narrate what's going on in her life...kind of like a vlog). So she's talking about basic every day stuff (grocery shopping, work, etc) but is IN HER BRA. Just chatting away casually. Don't think I've ever seen her do this. Do you think this could be a subtle counteracting action? I must say, seeing that has indeed verified my attraction to her :blush:
     
  9. sojabohnenfeld

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    @LivingTheDream Do you think you might be able to hang out with her again in person sometime? It's possible she noticed your behavior online but it's difficult for me to tell.
     
  10. LivingTheDream

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    Really hoping to make it up to her city for a weekend trip. We talk about it. She's now about 4 hours away. Not terrible, I'm more than willing to make the drive. It's been a busy summer for me with weddings and grad parties so it may still be a few weeks. :frowning2:

    Even my Mom loves her (she met her when I did). Which is awesome. But whats not awesome is, that she wants to go with me to visit... I'd rather her not because of the situation that she doesn't know about.
     
  11. Melin

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    I think you have to go for this. Meet her, or write her a note. You can say it's new and you're unsure.

    I'm a gay and out male. I seem to attract loads and loads of closeted men. It's really really hard for me to make the big move as I'm trying to assess whether it's the right moment between us, but more importantly is it a moment they can handle. So although I'm out and they probably expect me to make the move it needs to be them. So I'd say you need to.

    You seem comfortable with the sexuality side, it seems more that you've become friends and teling a friend you've romantic feelings is always hard because you've a lot invested in it. But to get anywhere you have to tell her!
     
  12. LivingTheDream

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    Thats actually fantastic advice, I appreciate hearing your perspective and the why's behind it. Thank you :slight_smile:
     
  13. Melin

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    Let us know how it goes!
     
  14. LivingTheDream

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    I sure will! I'm so scared to tell her! Hopefully my actions will speak for me.

    Background information. I'm a photographer and digital artist. There's a photograph I've taken that she really loves. So I turned it into a painting. All hand painted. Specifically for her, just as a token of appreciation (and affection). Hopefully she loves it. And picks up on the gesture?
     
  15. LivingTheDream

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    Update - I did it! I came out to her! And cannot believe how supportive and awesome she was. Truly lucky to have someone like that in my life. However, I did not specifically express those feelings to her. That's the next step. But I feel so much better having getting it off my chest. We'll see if the flirtation continues...
     
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  16. A girl

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    It's so great to hear that you came out to her and that she was supportive! I hope everything turns out great for you!
    Lots of love <3
     
  17. Jo Hannah

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    Just thought I’d pop in and see how things are ? any update?