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Struggling

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Mike riely, Nov 4, 2020.

  1. Mike riely

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    Hello I’ve lurked on here for a while, I realise people are not going to be able to definitively tell me what my sexuality is and I appreciate that. I’m just more looking for guidance.


    So my situation

    . 31 aged male

    . Always identified as straight

    . Have a girlfriend who I love very much but relationship has perhaps gone a bit stale

    . I have been diagnosed with anxiety and possibly on the autism scale. I’m high functioning but have a lot of obsessive behaviour. These behaviours have recently becoming more focussed on sex.


    As a child I did have an experience when I was around 7-8 where another boy touched me and asked me to kiss his penis. I remember this vividly though I didn’t think it of is anything more than playful friendship at the time. Other than that all my earliest sexual and romantic memories where about girls.


    I’m a big porn user and have been since around 12 years of age. This is ebbed and flowed throughout the years and has incorporated many different genres, including gay but not specifically gay.


    During this whole pandemic the porn use has got out of control. I’m sat at home all day on my laptop and it’s not been good. I’ve masturbating something like 5-6 times a day sometimes. Gay porn in particular has become a focus and I’m doubting who I am a great deal.


    I just wanted to know if there’s anyone else who has experience of this or suggests any way of truly knowing? When I’m out on the street I notice women, I can appreciate a handsome guy but I’ve never felt an innate attraction to another guy. Yet when watching porn it does get me going and I contemplate being with a man.


    I’m not going to deny there is probably some attraction to males there but the porn is confusing because my other porn tastes tend to be about women, but with some kinky elements thrown in. I barely know what my own desires are anymore, I can get sexually aroused by thinking about specific women and I can’t say the same for men but I fear my arousal is now so connected to porn I’ll struggle to be sexual. Sex with my girlfriend has been lovely in the past but now I can’t stop thinking about this, I’m never relaxed and it’s effecting me in the bedroom. I almost wish I had no sexual feelings at all because I’m so obesssive. I’ve always been quite uptight around sex and takes me a lot to be comfortable but this is on a whole new scale.


    Again, not looking for any definitive answers but just maybe guidance and advice if anyone has been through something similar or who knows someone who has.


    Sorry for the length .
     
    #1 Mike riely, Nov 4, 2020
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 4, 2020
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  2. Mike riely

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    Nobody had anything like this then?

    Ive tried giving up porn for 11 days and my fantasies were exclusively straight but I can’t seem to kick porn for good.
     
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  3. QuietPeace

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    I do not use porn but I know that it is specifically designed to "get you going". I do not think that fantasies that we have or porn/erotica that people consume are very helpful in determining orientation. Orientation is about being attracted to people and real life is very different than fantasy or media. Your real life experiences seem to indicate more in the direction of being straight. Only you can determine this for certain though, others can only point things out.

    You do mention that you have something of a possible problem with obsessions. Maybe it would be best to consult a professional therapist who has experience with LGBT issues and with those on the spectrum.
     
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  4. Lek

    Lek
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    Perhaps masturbation can be a way to "self-medicate" due to, in your case, anxiety. We can use porn to stimulate arousal, but porn's effectiveness can reduce over time and, so, we seek out "stronger" or even just different porn ("non-vanilla activities, gay porn, if we're straight, and so on). Maybe, the more anxious you are, the more you use masturbation to soothe yourself.

    Consider addressing anxiety (medication, therapy). Once you do, you may use porn much less obsessively. I also think you should talk with your girlfriend about your problems relaxing around sex. Perhaps talking it out, you both can come up with ways to help you relax.

    I'm not sure what was meant by, "porn/erotica that people consume are very helpful in determining orientation." If what is meant is that, for example, gay porn could make straight people gay, I disagree.

    From what you told us, it seems it unlikely you are gay. Maybe you're a Kinsey 2 (assuming we count your adult erotic response to some gay porn).

    Try masturbation using your fantasies. I think those fantasies are more likely to reassure you of your sexual orientation.

    I do hope you found something comforting in what I have said. Let us know how it goes.
     
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  5. Mike riely

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    Thank you for your responses.

    I wish I could speak to a therapist but given that it’s taken me a whole lot to post on here I think I’d be too embarrassed to speak to someone face to face.

    I’m going to try and kick porn for good, it’s terrible for my mental health. I hope things become easier after some time off it. I feel like a complete zombie at the moment.
     
  6. SGee

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    I watch lots of gay porn and love it. I masturbate multiple times a day and have started posting pics on gay sites. I’m totally into it because it makes me feel good
     
  7. Mike riely

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    That’s great, whatever makes you happy!

    I found porn was not helping me at all. Been nearly 2 weeks without, feel calmer and not obsessing nearly as much. Hopefully remains the same and I can get my life back to normal.