It has been 4 years now since I realized my attractions to men. The first few years were rough. It was traumatic learning this about myself at 29. I managed to experiment once. But now when I try to go into those fantasies I cannot seem to experience them. I'm not attracted sexually to most women. I feel like I'm suppressing it now. I want my fantasy life back. And it times it does come back. I'm extremely depressed and not sure how I will be able to do this on my own. I have thoughts of running away and becoming religious so that I don't have to deal with this. And yet the rational side of me knows this will be a hard life. Its like I'm used to suffering. I wish there would be a way to make this stop. I feel at almost 34, I'm past my prime for gay life. I'm not comfortable with my body. I think I may be trans. A part of me is stubborn and doesn't want to accept this for fear that it would mean that I've wasted my last 30 years and that I'm now guilty for keeping this denial going for the last few years. I don't know what to do, because I can't stay where I am. I've deliberately internalized more homophobic views after not trying hard enough to accept myself. Is there any hope for me?