It has been 4 years now since I realized my attractions to men. The first few years were rough. It was traumatic learning this about myself at 29. I managed to experiment once. But now when I try to go into those fantasies I cannot seem to experience them. I'm not attracted sexually to most women. I feel like I'm suppressing it now. I want my fantasy life back. And it times it does come back. I'm extremely depressed and not sure how I will be able to do this on my own. I have thoughts of running away and becoming religious so that I don't have to deal with this. And yet the rational side of me knows this will be a hard life. Its like I'm used to suffering. I wish there would be a way to make this stop. I feel at almost 34, I'm past my prime for gay life. I'm not comfortable with my body. I think I may be trans. A part of me is stubborn and doesn't want to accept this for fear that it would mean that I've wasted my last 30 years and that I'm now guilty for keeping this denial going for the last few years. I don't know what to do, because I can't stay where I am. I've deliberately internalized more homophobic views after not trying hard enough to accept myself. Is there any hope for me?
Yes, there's hope, even if you weren't feeling it when you wrote your post. You seemed more upbeat in your other thread today. Honestly, I don't think you've wasted the last thirty years. Everything you've done and haven't done has brought you to where you are today. Even if you don't like where are today, this is your time to do what's right for you.
Agree with SevnButton, everything that has gone before has made you who and what you are today. Do not discount all that "education" as being worthless, you have learned a lot and so treasure that hard won knowledge. All running away and becoming religious will do is cause more pain and stress, you most certainly do not need that. You are far from being out of your prime, as a matter of fact, you are right where you need to be. If you are trans then move on with that. Do something with your body, make changes and get on with life. You not only can do it, you can do it will flare. Get with it and live!
Dude- you're 34. I always like to remind myself that until I turn 36, I will have spent the better half of my life as a minor (18+18=36)! Therefore, how can I expect to be thought of as all that mature? This magic math gets sillier when I think about the fact that I wasn't legally old enough to drink until 21, or rent a car without excessive younger driver fees until 25. I just find that this is a playful way to remind myself that my life is still ahead of me. It helps me take myself less seriously...I mean, we are barely just getting into our real adult lives in our thirties. How can the best parts of our lives be behind us? My cousin didn't even meet her husband until she was 38 and she had her youngest two children at the age of 43. Everybody does things in their own ways and at their own time. Some of us (me) are painfully insecure, immature, and have terrible social skills...but I try my damnedest to be a good person, a brave person, to provide for my family and (hopefully) have integrity. I think that says way more about me than who I fall in-love with, want to have sex with, fantasize about, etc... It's only a bunch of disconnected, patriarchal, social constructs that tell us otherwise. The more time we spend paying attention to those constructs and what people say based on them, the more self-critical we become. Try getting off your computer, meditating, spending some time in nature, and loving yourself. Knowing who you want and what you want and choosing to act on that, despite what other people think, no matter how old you are, is good self-care. In a society where we are urged to act AGAINST our best interests in favor of joining the masses, we are trained not to see it that way. But honestly, it's just good self-care.
So perhaps the first thing is to try and get some clarity. The answer is yes, this is something you can solve, and you are far from alone, as there are lots of other folks who stay closeted or even blissfully unaware for decades and don't come out (or even come to terms within themselves) until their 50s or 60s or later, so you're not nearly as behind the curve as you think, nor will you be hopeless and alone. Looking at the possibiilty of being trans: Do you have any sense that you are in the wrong body? Do you feel a sense of discomfort or dysphoria surrounding your penis? Do you have experiences, feelings or memories of thinking you'd rather be a girl when you were growing up? Do you (or have you) find/found yourself wanting to do and relate to things that are traditionally thought of as more feminine (women's clothing, stereotypically female behaviors, etc)? Looking at who you're attracted to: What are you thinking about when you masturbate without porn? If you're at the beach or gym or somewhere, do you find your eyes naturally going toward guys or girls? If you use porn, is it more male/male or male/female? If male/female, do you find yourself looking at the girl or the guy more? These should help you get some basic clarification. If you are comfortable thinking about and answering those questions, I think things will start to be clearer for you.
