Hello, I’m a 29-year-old father. I just got divorced recently. I initiated it but my wife had been checked out for a long time. We are amicable. I have primary custody of my kids, they live with me all the time (ex’s choice, no custody battle). I’ve been having a bit of a crisis. I guess I’ll backup to my childhood first: I was raised in a very isolated evangelical community, homeschooled and everything, so I grew up with fixed views of morals and stuff. My mother sent me to a sort of conversion therapy lite program when I was 15 (not abusive like you see on the news) because my best friend came out and she didn’t want me to copy. That was the first time I even knew being gay was a thing. I was taught, and I believed, that it was 100% a choice. Only the weak, pathetic people choose to be gay. Well I’m not weak or pathetic so I figured I’ll be fine. My marriage was for image purposes for both me and my wife. We did not love each other when we got married but we were initially determined to make it work for God. Sex with my wife was a struggle from the day I got married (we waited ofc). My fault. I’m not sexually attracted to her. She tried bringing in third parties to spice things up. At first women for me because I was the one with the problem. But that didn’t work so then a man. That’s when I bailed on this because it kinda did work but I felt physically sick thinking about it. That was the beginning of the crisis. Also when our marriage pretty much ended. (She cheated on me for at least 7 years that I know of, which is honestly fair enough because our sex life was pretty much non-existent). I’ve spent a lot of time repressing. But while I was getting over that, I met a man who became a great friend. And also maybe someone I feel like I love. He tried to kiss me once and I wanted to go for it. But I didn’t because A I was married at the time and B that’s gay and I’m not gay. Now that I’m divorced, I feel more free to think about it because it’s one fewer moral transgression I guess. I don’t know. It doesn’t make me feel sick anymore, but it does make me feel guilty. About my marriage and stuff. I don’t really believe in God anymore so that helps. But I have kids and that doesn’t help. I don’t know how to process this because it’s associated with so many negative emotions and self-hating. I worry about how to parent in such a way that my kids don’t have this kind of distress too. I’m a terrible example for what I want for them in this regard and I hate that. At this point, I’ve basically determined that I’m not sexually attracted to women but I’m scared to explore if I am to men or what. I’ve obviously never had sex with a man. I have spent my life actively not thinking about men like that. I feel better when I don’t think about it but I also want to stop having this horrible secret or something. I don’t even know what I want. Do you have any advice?
It seems like you first have to figure out what you want before you can know what to do next. If your kids are away sometimes (maybe sleep-overs of with their grandparents, etc.) you might consider going out to a gay bar or a gay social group just to meet some gay men. That might be a good first step in figuring out what you want.
I agree with all this advice. I would also spend time trying to be really honest with yourself about who catches your eye in daily life - men, women or both? In addition to physical attributes whose little quirks do you notice and recall later? Who do you envisage growing old with? Who could you envisage yourself doing romantic gestures for? It's a hard process coming to terms with not being straight and it's not a linear one in my experience. Some days I feel much more accepting of myself than others.
Thank you for your replies. Well I have a (mostly platonic) relationship with a gay man. We became friends almost 6 years ago and are really close. He’s also married with kids. We tried to kiss me earlier this year and I told him no because I was still married (so was he). We talked about it later and agreed to not proceed in any kind of romantic way for at least a year after we are both divorced so that our kids can get used to the divorces first. One thing at a time. We’re both always going to be dads first and that’s the most important thing. I guess I’m wanting my sexuality to not be something that causes me to feel so guilty and bad about. If that’s possible. It’s probably not.
He sounds like a good man - definitely worth maintaining a friendsip with. Hopefully you can be a support to one another as you both adjust to your new realities post divorce. You both sound very sensible and measured. Give yourselves time and who knows??
Maybe you should explore with yourself why you feel guilty. I think it makes sense to not tell your kids about your sexuality at this time, but you can still enjoy spending time with other men (in whatever way feels right to you) when they aren't around. And they do eventually grow up so your freedom will grow. If you feel guilty about the past, such as getting married and divorced, I have been divorced for 20 years and I still feel guilty at times, but not all the time, and I try to do what I can to make up for things. Doing what you can to repair something you feel you messed up can go a long way to easing guilt.
I think the main reason you feel guilty is that from a young age you were told being gay was wrong. You stated yourself that you are not weak or pathetic so you have already disproved that only the weak and pathetic are gay. I think if you try and come to terms with the information that you were given through out most of your life is not true then a relationship with a man will become your normal. The belief that gay people were wrong, pathetic and weak were your parents beliefs and are clearly not yours. I think once you accept that what you want to do isn't wrong and that you have NOTHING to feel guilty about you will move into an even closer relationship with your friend. Once you are ready you can tell your children, it will be hard. But it will be harder to keep everything secret and will only form a level of distrust with your children. All children want their parents to be happy and they will learn to accept your new partner and will be better people because of it. All the best.
I think it sounds like you have some internalised homophobia and actually it's really common, even in non religious people who aren't and never have been religious, people who have been supportive of the LGBT community and then they start questioning their own sexuality and bang some how it feels wrong, it feels fine for everyone else but not yourself. I think you probably need to strip everything back, it's great that you have already made progress in that it doesn't make you feel sick anymore, I think from your post it sounds as though you know where this journey is headed you just need to deal with each obstacle as it appears in your path. I know it's made tougher because you have children but honestly they will be fine whatever the outcome, having a father who is happy, honest and true to himself will give them a better foundation than any repression. Try not to feel guilty for what has gone, hindsight is a wonderful thing and there are always things we may change if we went back but at the time you did what you thought was right and there isn't much more people can ask of you.
shanny47 and silverhalo have both nailed it. The reason you feel guilty about being gay is because it was basically beaten into you (figuratively) that being gay is wrong, immoral, bad, and so forth. And from everything we know and understand it absolutely is not a choice; no one would intentionally choose something that is going to cause others to judge them, make them subject to discrimination, etc. So the real key is working on the shame you feel; this deeply held belief that you aren't worthy because you are attracted to guys. Therapy would be really helpful. It doesn't need to be a gay therapist, just someone who has worked with people who are coming out. And I'd also suggest watching Brené Brown's three TED talks, The Power of Vulnerability, The Price of Invulnerability, and Listening to Shame. Her work is life-changing for many, and while she doesn't specifically address LGBT issues, the themes she does discuss absolutely apply in every way to LGBT issues. I also think that simply continuing to talk about what you're feeling here will be a huge help. Simply interacting with others who have been through what you're experiencing will be a huge help.
I grew up Evangelical, graduated from a Baptist College, was somewhat of a leader in my church. I suffered from that Christian guilt growing up and always thought, if I did this or that or prayed hard enough, God would take that attraction away / heal me. In college we had accountability prayer groups that mostly dealt with lust and masturbation. I couldn't share with my friends that my lust, was a same sex attraction - because there was too much fear of the consequences (loss of leadership positions in the school & church). After college I was outed at my church. Everyone found out and I was more or less shamed / banned from the church. Some close straight friends stayed by my side and others ended their friendship. I was forced with a choice - do I keep hating myself and continue on with this farce of Christianity so I'll keep mom and friends happy or do I go out on my own? I took a 1/2 step at 1st. I started one-on-one counseling and group counseling in Gay Christian Men's group. I won't mention their name. I learned there that God's Grace is there for us Gay Christians. I also learned, contrary to group's mandate - that I was finally happy with myself. I finally accepted myself and the fact that I was Gay. I quit the group, moved out on my own, and have been living my life as an openly gay man for the past 20 some years. Where am I going with this? I found coming from a similar background as you that I needed to learn to love / accept yourself. I needed to break away from that unhealthy Christian Guilt BS and live my life. Maybe therapy (non-religious) would be beneficial to you.
Fidget.....Ah yes....the Christian guilt-trip. Your trip has been about 29 years long and mine was about 64 years long. I was out from 17-22 but a tragedy put me back in the closet thinking that it was my punishment for being gay. I finally accepted that I am and always was gay here on empty closets on Dec, 25, 2014...when I was on the brink of taking my life. Even after accepting myself, I was still fighting the conflict of my faith and the absolute fact that I was gay. It took some very serious study of the Bible and several books before I understood that the Bible does.not.condemn.same-sex.relationships as we know them. Why? Simply because same-sex relationships as we know them did not even exist when the Old & New Testaments were written. I realize that you said; "I don’t really believe in God anymore so that helps." But I seen so many cases where just saying that and even believing it seriously still does not take away all the guilt and shame that those beliefs have caused over the years. I have very straight-forward information that will prove my point and, if you wish, I'll give it to you. I know that right now your concern is being the right kind of a father for your children. I understand that totally. I have three sons. Of course my boys are grown and married. I faced a difficult decision a year and a half ago. I was facing a surgery that had to be done, but I had a 30% chance of not surviving the operation. I sat down with my oldest son to show him where all the legal documents were, the insurance papers, etc. in case he had to take care of his mother without me. I had come out to my wonderful, accepting wife six months before this...but not to my sons. I chose to tell my oldest son that I was gay...I wanted him to know who I really was in case this was our last time speaking to each other. I have raised all three of my sons in an evangelical, conservative church. I did make a special effort to teach them to love and accept all people...but we had never specifically discussed the LGBTQ community. Oh yes....my oldest son is now the pastor of an evangelical, conservative church. This was very difficult. But I did it and my son hugged me and made it clear that he loved his father regardless. Obviously I did make it through the surgery and my wife and all three sone were there waiting for me when I returned to my hospital room. The next day my oldest emailed me a poem titled "Always Loved, Always Accepted" . My point in sharing this story is that I could not have ever told my wife or my son if I had not been able to destroy the guilt and shame that mis-reading, mis-translation and in some cases literal "twisting" of what the Bible says. I am not some kind of a crack-pot who believes weird theories about ancient aliens in the Bible or other stupidity. I had to learn on my own that God made me in His image and that He does not make mistakes. I am, you are, as we were intended to be. We are not broken and do not need to be fixed. When you can see that any guilt or shame that is still acting like a weight in your life has been completely removed, then you will feel free to honestly find out how you feel about a relationship with another man. That very honesty will allow you, when the time is right, to share with your children who their father really is without any fear of that "secret" hurting you or your children. Kids today are much more accepting. They are growing up in a society that is changing, has changed a lot. They are far more likely to accept that LOVE IS LOVE and it doesn't matter all that much who is involved as long as they do love each other. Take a minute and check out a youtuber named Oliver. His channel is called; "Oliver Vlogss". Watch the video he posted titled; "Coming out Gay to my 5 year old brother". It will melt your heart. It could even be something to show your children when the time is right. So sorry about this novel that I have written. I feel so much compassion for people who have been harmed by a Christianity that has been twisted. I wish you the very best. If you want more specific information, I can send it, if you wish. Please keep us updated here on empty closets. We do care and do want to help. .....David
A book that was helpful to me was Mel White's Stranger at the Gate. https://www.amazon.com/Stranger-Gate-Gay-Christian-America/dp/0452273811
Very well done, David! I wish Christians did not have the label of haters of homosexuals. It’s no wonder so many gay people feel ostracized from the Christian community. Like you, David, I was not ready to trash my faith because of the sentiment of so-called Christians. I’m so glad I have the relationship with Jesus Christ that I do. As a priest told me several years ago, God does not make mistakes in creating us. I no longer consider myself “broken” and I am finally at peace with myself.
Sorry I didn’t answer sooner. I’ve been reading your answers and thinking about it but not really sure what to say. Thanks for taking the time to post, I appreciate it. I think I will read around here some more too.
I agree with the post about therapy. That's where I started and it changed my life. It's expensive, but you can't put a price on happiness. Sometimes you need to talk to an unbiased professional to help you sort through emotions and experiences.
The comments so far have gone above and beyond what I could have offered as far as unpacking some of the emotional side of things. I want to briefly address the part of your concerns that involve the kids. One of the ways that you can avoid the same emotional distress for them that you are experiencing, is to refrain from the same kind of conditioning you received. Break the cycle and teach them that they can be proud of who they are, regardless of who they find themselves attracted to or falling in love with. Set them up so that they can come to you to talk about these things without fear of condemnation. Your journey may take a few turns through rough terrain, but that is how maps are made for future generations. I hope you can find peace for yourself on this, and that you can find a way to prevent similar turmoil for your young ones.
