Struggling to see way ahead after coming out to wife

Hi guys - yep identify with all of that. Torn between wanting to be authentic and true to myself but scared of parting from the family and the pain I will cause. Also dont want a life of one night stands (been there, done it..no more).

---------- Post added 14th Dec 2013 at 10:10 AM ----------

me again guys - would appreciate your thoughts and experiences about telling kids. I am worrying at the moment that mine will find out by accident and not react well. The thought of my kids finding out about my infidelity on the one hand and being gay/bi on the other - is terrifying. I worry that they would simply disown me.

 

Good luck in your session today. I hope you find some comfort. I usually feel better after a session until I get home. For some reason my wife always picks fights on my session days.

Ukguy. We haven't told them yet its a constant struggle to figure out how and when to tell them. Probably wait until plans are more concrete.

 

Glad it went well, it does help to talk to someone. May i ask where you will go in January? Friends, family, hotel? Im just asking to get a sense in case i do the same. I dont really have any family to go to, possibly can stay at a friends for a little while

 

Does your wife ever try to initiate sex with you? In my case, my wife has not initiated sex since I told her I was gay. This is unacceptable to me, but I figure I have to accept it, for a time, as a consequence of the hurt I put her through. But for our relationship to continue, she is going to have to initiate. That wonderful feeling you get when the man in your life expresses desire for you - I used to get that from my wife, and now I do not. It damages my self-esteem and is a punishment I can endure only for so long.

 

There it is. The way ahead...sorrow and regret, no doubt there will be. But also the promise of a deeper love, a deeper life and being closer to who you are.

All in all, not a bad trade-off.

Have courage above all else; nothing will happen without it!

 

Wow, can't tell you how similar your story is of "attempted intimacy" and the required "routine" to initiate something physical with your wife. Women (in general) play a lot of mind games, and it can be exhausting. I think this struggle is way more common than we realize, it’s no wonder so many marriages fail! I don't understand why so many women believe it's "NOT their job" to initiate intimacy, as they still think it's the "man's job” and they are always the one being pursued. I guess it falls back to old mentality about the roles men/women play. In many of ways, that "old thinking" is still very alive and well.

 

I keep wondering if straight guys are just more willing to put up with the "mating dance" you described, maybe because they are so into sex with their mate that the starts and stops seem worth it when they finally get it? My experience with my wife has been exactly the same as described above--a lot of complaints about the LACK of intimacy, but far more excuses than action when I did initiate it. And under the circumstances, in the end I was pretty much OK with giving up, but it's still my fault, of course. The last go-round was a New Year's resolution on my part to be more attentive, and I pawed at her every night for 6 weeks running without ever getting beyond her falling asleep and me staring down going "Well, what the hell do I do with THIS now?" So I stopped and within 1 week she was complaining that we never did it. In her mind, I think the begging and foreplay counts as much as the deed.

On a different note, I had the oddest feeling the other day of peace and acceptance that the future will work out. I have no idea why--we are still living together, no definite end date anywhere in sight, and I'm not really able to do a lot of socializing with other gay men yet. But I suddenly felt as if a bolt of lightning hit me (and in church, of all places!), and I thought, this is going to work out, and it will be right. Pretty much every good thing that has ever happened to me has always been things converging together at just the right time, and if I move in the right direction and be patient but trusting, I will have the life that's right for me. It was the strangest thing. I've got goosebumps just thinking about it.

 

Choirboy - glad to hear you are gaining hope for your future.

My wife told me last night (well technically this morning) that i need to figure out our arrangements sooner rather than later. She says that everyday that goes by she hates and resents me more and more.

 

Sorry I don't have the answer. Wish i did. Now she keeps asking if I stay and not pursue being gay.Is it possible? Maybe, but will it be a truly happy life if I stayed? I'm not so sure

 

In the same position, guys. If I stay it will be a stable and routine life...but not a completely fulfilled one and certainly not one where I am seeing guys on the side. I will not be myself although how important is sexuality I wonder. Should I rule one's life or are there more important things?

 

Then I think if I stay, what happens in a few months or years and it still isn't working? Then we have to go through all this again

 

I suppose it is how you define something not working. Inevitably there will be compromises and sacrifices to be made in any arrangement with one's wife.

 

That's a key point. Your attraction to men isn't going away and many of us finds it only grows the longer we try to deny it. If you're at the point where you're being honest with yourself and discussing it on this forum, odds are it will keep resurfacing. In a year or 2 or 3 you could be right where you are now having lost that much more time to live the life you really want.

 

I think the holiday season really magnifies all those feelings of doubt. This time of year is so oriented towards family activities and all the traditions--and expectations--of our childhood and upbringing, that the changes we are in the middle of seem even more daunting than they already are. (That goes for both us AND our straight partners.) I've done the same thing lately--looked at my current situation and thought, is this REALLY so bad? Isn't there some way I can make this work?

Then the reality hits me--if I would have to somehow MAKE it work, is it worth it in the long run? Think of the things you've "made work" over the years and ask yourself how effective that was. I used to have to make my car start by sticking a screwdriver into the carburetor and then retrieve it. (Didn't go over well with my date, I might add.) I made the record player work by putting pennies on the tonearm to hold it down. (Hmm, why am I feeling rather old at this moment?) I made the garden hose work after nicking it with the lawn mower with a somewhat amazing amount of duct tape. You get the picture.

The point is, you can usually find some way to "make" something work, but chances are good that it's not going to be effective for long, and it will only postpone the inevitable. You can only mend the vase so many times before you have to chuck it out. Which doesn't mean you have to rush things, and it also doesn't mean you can't work with your wife to try and come up with a more amicable way to do things. But if you keep trying to "make" it work, it still eventually won't. And you will have wasted an awful lot of time in the process.

I'm not rushing out of my family and home and current life, because there are things I want in order first. I also have some hope that my wife and I can morph our old relationship into something new and better. Not every guy in our situation can do that, but for me, it seems like a real possibility, and one that will be good for all 4 of us in the long run if I do this right. But I don't think I could go on if I backed off completely and decided to "make" it work, because realistically, I don't think I could. I'm not that good an actor for one thing, and it would just feel dishonest, and I told her largely BECAUSE I didn't want to be dishonest anymore.

I'd say press the pause button for a little while and let her know you're doing it--as much for her benefit as for yours--but things aren't going to change in the long run, because it's not fair to either one of you. Let yourself get through the holidays and into the new year, and give yourself a fresh start. It will be worth it in the end.

 

Choirboy, I think that was very good, sound advice.

And I agree with you, once those feelings have surfaced, and you've finally identified them and "somewhat" accepted them... they won't go away, they will resurface! No matter how much you try to control them, bury them, or deny them... trust me they will haunt you.

 

Hello Highlander 2 -
I' d welcome you, but think I'm newer than you to EC. I'm impressed with the thought and care you've put into this journey. I've not come out to my wife yet, but definitely will after the Christmas holidays. My wife strongly suspects, but I unsure of her reaction. I've a very supportive vicar whose agree to be there for me and her. I cannot want this any more, denying who I am to myself or my God. Before you get the wrong idea and am preaching celibacy, I long to experiece the touch of another man. Highlander 2 I hope you find comfort in your children and you're growing into yourself.