Struggling to see way ahead after coming out to wife

Highlander,

I had a similar experience on Thanksgiving. I was feeling so lonely that i asked her if we could snuggle when we went to bed. (we still sleep in the same bed but just sleep) Well, one thing led to another and we had sex. I knew it was wrong from the start and it felt wrong. In fact i wasnt even able to finish. I now know that we would never be able to have that intimacy again and certainly nothing physical. i think eventually without those things the relationship cant last too long, in truth we barely have anything to say to each other except with whats going on with the kids. To me it seems like you and your wife still have somewhat of a connection,so you may be able to have some happiness but not be totally fulfilled.

 

Highlander - recognise the guilt. It is easy to say but - guilt is an inward looking thing - it revolves around you and doesnt help your wife or the situation. At some point you will have to forgive yourself even if your wife cant or wont (mine cant or wont). Otherwise it will eat you alive - I have been consumed by it at times. Concentrate on the future and the best next steps however small.

 

Sorry highlander,

It seems to come and go, after a few ok days myself, today has brought a storm of a guilt trip.
Stay strong for yourself and your family, I have to believe it will eventually get better.

---------- Post added 9th Dec 2013 at 03:40 PM ----------

I was just told that I used her,only care about my and the children's needs,that I never loved her,I don't care about her pain and needs, and that I abandoned her emotionally.
She says I need to do something big to prove that those things are not true

I will giver her that I probably used her to an extent. But the rest is totally false. I just don't know what else to sayor do to convince her otherwise.

 

Can I suggest something? What would happen if you went without this guy for awhile? Just spend some time trying to get your head around being a gay male. Not in a relationship with someone, but accepting your identity.

It seems like part of the issue is that you're ambivalent about what you want. It's hard to leave the secure to travel to something that you have no idea what it looks like.

 

Hi Bear - some sense in what you say. I have met a guy but have stopped seeing him partly for the reason you suggest. It makes things very stressful too.

 

Wow, I can relate to so many of you and your stories; believe me when I say you're not alone (I feel your pain)! I will say this, the "curse" (or that's what it feels like to me most of the time), those feelings you have to be close to another man, will never leave you, and no matter how deep you think you have them buried, they will work their way back to the surface and haunt you. So if anyone doubts that, or thinks they have them "under control", don't fool yourself. If you are "out in public" and find yourself only looking at the attractive guys, that is in your DNA... it's part of who you are, your inner make up, the "unsuppressed" part of who you are.

I know all about the struggles, and the desire to have a "normal" life, but looking back I sure wish I had taken a different path. Not that it would have been easy or filled with love and without heartache (there is never a guarantee for that), but at least I'd have been who I am and not someone I'm pretending to be. It's sad, when your young and you think you have so much time ahead of you, and before you know it, you're looking back wiht regrets, and wondering how you got to where you are. Damn, where does the time go....?

 

Highlander - I took the decision to stop seeing this guy a few months ago and I have generally stuck to it although we do text and talk on the phone. My wife gave me an ultimatum ie stop having an affair even if you are gay. I think he misses me more than I miss him which makes me wonder how strong my feelings are for him. Time isn't making the heart grow fonder. But I cant quite bring myself to cut off contact....

 

May I ask, how did you both (Highlander and UKGuy) end up with these guys while you were still in the closet and married? I have read your previous posts describing the progression of the relationship - in Highlander's case, but I guess I would like to hear more from both of you about what was going on in your heads. How did you get past the initial instincts to back off because you were married? How did the other guy learn you were gay - what kind of signals did you put out and did you do so intentionally? Did you set it up to happen or did the other guy?

 

It is amazing, is it not, how time and our own narratives begin to take on a life of their own. How we shift from tension and fear to acceptance and anticipation. Or, how we look and see that what could be does not offer enough justification to leave behind what is. You know, none of this is about right and wrong. It takes a lot for a pastor who has been trained to think in those cold black and white terms to admit it, but it is true. This is not about good and bad, evil and righteous, etc.

It is more grubby than that. It is visceral and it is human. It is about, at least for me, way more than JUST SEX. There is emotion. Phycological equilibrium. Confidence. Aspiration to be a better person, to be a better example for my kids. There is even a spirituality to this that I am just starting to identify and understand. The honesty of it all is painful, cathartic and healing.

I will never cease to be amazed at how many of us share similarities in our stories even though we are from all over the world. I will endeavor to never make the mistake to think that it makes our stories identical down to the tiniest detail.

Some of us come out. Some of us stay in. Some of us, like me, are drug out. I wanted to stay with my wife, so I thought, until I realized that she didn't want the same. Then I realized, neither did I. We are still together and trying to do our best to figure out where to go next and how to do the best by our kids first, and each other second.

All of us have responsibilities. Some of them can be honored and kept, even at exceptional cost. Some can't. Part of coming out is owning that. I could have, would have, stayed in the closet even to myself had my wife not drug me out and my defenses finally faltered enough. Enough to see and begin to understand that the life my family has been living is only a half life. That is our story and I am doing my best to keep my responsibilities and obligations met. But that will not last much longer, and least not as they were.

Simply put, for better or worse, I'm out now. There is no going back. I wouldn't want to either because I wouldn't know how to. I know it has only been six months or so for me since this all began, but everything in my perspective and horizon has shifted and changed enough that I realize the life I was living is simply gone.

No, I don't have it all worked out yet. We are still married and just moved to a new city and I need to reconnect with my kids emotionally but most of the time can only ponder how badly I would love to have a boy friend. I struggle with the fact that I am ready for the divorce my wife wanted six years ago, and now she is what...not reluctant, but not ready?

Highlander, you will make the decisions that only you can make. You will deal with your responsibilities, obligations, duties as you will. You will also love, support, encourage and uplift those whom you care about as you will. That is all any of us can do, to do our best. To learn from our mistakes and try and do differently the next time. To own all of the parts of us that come to light in the process of facing and running from/remaining in our own closets.

I will always value EC because of all of you. The screen names and the people that are attached to them. I thank you for your stories, for your viewpoints. I wished for so long that my wife and I could just fix things until I got to the point that I realized I don't want this pain anymore. This hiding and half life for any of us anymore. If any of you can fix things and stay where you are, God bless you. If you must take a different course and do your best to provide for a brighter future for all of your family, God bless you.

Thank you for this thread, for this honesty from each and everyone of you. Know that I will always try to encourage each of you as I may. I know that you have and will do the same for me. It is good to not be alone, especially for those of us who are yet in the beginning, middle and resolution of marriage and family shattering/re-framing events.

 

Yeah, I'd like to know this too, for future reference, if nothing else!

While I don't consider the fact that I have come out to my wife as a blanket absolution in the event that I DID happen to find myself in a relationship, I'm also not actively LOOKING for one at the moment. Logistics, mainly--heck, I'm so busy most of the time that I can barely find a free hour to get a haircut, much less initiate or sustain a relationship outside of my marriage and family. And at least to the world, we're still together. But with my oldest a week a way from (hopefully) getting her driver's license, I will be a little less tied to the steering wheel myself, and I am trying to slowly reset expectations of my involvement in some of my wife's activities. (I managed to extricate myself completely from a recent fundraiser that she dragged me into for about 15 straight years, which is a good start!)

I'm not thinking that I will start seeking out a relationship the instant I'm on my own either, but I'd certainly be open to it if the opportunity was there. I'd sure like to know how I can catch someone's attention eventually. I seem to get a lot of older women fluttering around me, which is flattering, but not exactly the demographic I'd be aiming for.

As time goes by, I am growing more and more optimistic that my wife and I will be able to maintain a pretty civil relationship once our marriage comes to a more official end. I've been thinking a lot about the early days of our relationship, and am realizing that much of my frustration with her lies in the totally different expectations we have of one another as spouses, which has caused every bit as much of a problem between us as my sexuality. We got along famously as friends when we only saw each other a few times a week. (A little bit of her goes a long way, I guess!) I am too responsible to bail on her in the middle of our ongoing financial issues and unwilling to put the girls in a position where they will have her as the sole parent in residence for a large percentage of the time, but that won't last forever.

So yeah--were there mutual signals? What was the green light? Enquiring minds want to know.

 

Hi all - well it was just luck in my case.I had been having casual chat-line meets with guys (not proud of that...) and he was one of them...but it developed into something more than just sex. He has been the first guy I have fallen for but now I dont think the relationship is going anywhere. I am married and he lives with another guy although their relationship seems to be over but he cant be open about me. My feelings and position are almost exactly like Highlander's - the similarities are uncanny.

 

Highlander, thanks for really opening up and pouring your heart out. There are so many of us here that totally understand and have "different", yet similar stories. It's a very difficult position to be in, and I feel for you. There isn't a easy solution, and everybody has to choose the path they end up going down. I do think that having a place to talk about it and share with other does help. Keep us informed and we'll try to chime in whenever we can....

---------- Post added 11th Dec 2013 at 05:05 PM ----------

ukguy, same as with highlander, thanks for sharing your story. I know it's a really tough place to be in and how you feel torn. It's so damn difficult when you find yourself in this situation, and the emotional turmoil can really tear you up. Hang in there and try not to beat yourself up. I hope you can figure things out, keep us updated...

 

Highlander,

I have the same fears and doubts you have. I go back and forth daily with what to do, especially when i see posts about people being lonely and not being able to find someone special. Then i see post from people who have found someone or are happier now that they are out. And like i said in my other post, i see gay couples out and it does give me hope.

Then i look back at my life and see how unhappy ive been almost my entire life, and how absolutely miserable i have been the past 2 years especially. And how miserable it has made my family. I could probably make a go of it wih my wife, but can we really be happy? The sex will never be fulfilling and can the feelings really go away? I dont see how. Plus she will always wonder when this will all come up again. It will just prolong the inevitable i think.

I dont know if this will help you but at least know that you are not alone in your fears and worry

 

Highlander... your rant summed up the dilemma perfectly. It feels like a lose-lose situation, doesn't it. But like gm42 said, we know staying in a straight marriage is a sentence to a life that is unfulfilled, inauthentic and likely stunted by depression and self loathing. You know your Mr. Confident won't come out if you stay.

Yes, there's a lot to lose for you and your family, there will be a lot of pain and financial consequences too, and tremendous guilt. It's a gut wrenching decision. I chose to come out. It's been 2 months. Too soon to know for sure, but I still feel it was the right move.