Hi all, This may be a long thread. So I thank anyone who perseveres to the end. Ok. So I am 27 and I have had doubts about my sexuality ever since puberty. When I hit those developing years I assumed I would be straight like everyone else, I would look at naked women and talk with my male friends about which celebrities we liked. I would develop crushes on girls in class and fantasise about being with them. However, one day I got the urge to look at gay stuff. So I did. I came across a rather homoerotic photoshoot of David Beckham and I realised I was attracted to him. I realised that I was far more attracted to him than I had been with any woman before, what with a raised heartbeat, a feeling of excitement and such. I experimented further and realised I was consistently attracted to men. There was a guy in class who I used to daydream about kissing. Although, this didn't cause me to accept myself. I've never been homophobic to others, but I wonder if I had some latent homophobia which caused me to reject myself. Despite the obvious signs of attraction to the same sex I kept seeing myself as straight. I have consistently had same sex desires bubbling up in the meantime, and each time the feelings of attraction are more intense than when I repress them, but I always would feel shame afterwards. I would always say that I find that girl in class or whatever attractive. And I would to an extent; I'd recognise that they're pretty, but could never achieve the same level of attraction. No matter how hard I tried I found it hard to feel actual attraction to women as I did with men when I did let myself be. Over time this would become more of a self-fulfilling prophecy. I would fantasise about being with women, have dates with them, and still convince myself that I am straight despite it all. I would say that by getting these 'crushes,' even if I found it hard to get physical signs of attraction, and by dating women I showed I was straight. Since a lot of time passed since puberty I would say to myself that it's been years and you still feel like this, still do these straight things, it shows these gay desires are not real. It doesn't help that I am straight acting. I think this has caused confusion. However, I have realised that I cannot go on denying myself. I have soul searched this year and have realised that I am gay. I don't want to deny it any longer, I just want to accept myself. I have realised that I can't be attracted to women. I like my female friends, but the thought of going further with them fills me with dread. I have always dreaded being intimate with women on dates or whatever. I would convince myself that it was nerves, but I know there's no excitement there as there should be if I was straight. With men it's different; when I have been around male crushes I have felt excited, I want to be intimate. I like looking at guys I find cute. Sexualised imagery of women, in films or whatever, wouldn't really do anything for me. I'd say it would, but my inner self kept telling me that I don't want to look at this. Conversely, if it was a sexualised guy in a film my eyes would be fixed on him and all inner doubts silenced until it's over and I would feel the usual shame and self-loathing for it. This has left me with the inevitable conclusion that I am gay. I am more at ease with it than I have been, but my experiences so far have caused a lot of baggage. I still struggle to fully accept myself; I still feel some shame. Even though I've accepted it, because I've locked it up for so long I don't fully trust myself. I keep saying you've got it wrong. But I don't want to bottle it up any longer. I am excited to tell others that I am gay. I think it'll be a surprise for them, because it's not obvious and I have not given things away, I think. However, I know they'll be supportive and will be happy for me. I've tried meditating on it and accepting myself, and it has helped somewhat, but I still find myself conflicted in how I feel. Can anyone give any suggestions as to how I can fully accept myself?