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Struggling to figure out what I want.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by lovetoomuch, Mar 22, 2019.

  1. lovetoomuch

    Full Member

    Jun 11, 2014
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    Ok, so this is going to be a really long post with a lot of rambling, so bear with me please. I want to explain everything I’m feeling to hopefully get some good advice (I tend to overthink, as you will be able to tell).

    I started seeing a guy about a week and a half ago. We met at a restaurant and had a nice date. He was very respectful, funny, and there was definitely a connection. Now, I know you’re laughing because I’ve only started hanging out with him for about 10 days, but we have already hung out 5 times. So, things are moving relatively quick and it certainly feels longer than 10 days.

    Everything has been going well, but let me discuss my worries.

    1.) There is a huge age gap. He is 42 and I’m 23. I didn’t really think anything of it at first because I haven’t dated that much older before and figured it wouldn’t be too much of an issue. However, if I think about the future, it will post issues. Part of me wants to focus on the present and enjoy it now. Another part of me says realistically I know from the beginning this is something that could not last forever - so why even partake in it?
    Also, random side note, I still love at home with my parents and they would not be happy I’m dating someone 20 years older than me. Is a guy worth World War III with my parents?

    2.) I don’t know if I want anything serious right now. My profile on the app we met on said I did. But I recently got a new job a few months ago and haven’t dated since starting it. With my part-time job included, my free time is Monday - Wednesday nights (literally like 3 hours before going bed), Saturday nights, and Sunday nights. Sunday I set to do nothing (and he works). But I’m so tired all the time, realistically, I may not want to go into the city every Saturday (where he lives) to meet him. Some Saturdays I may just want to stay home. And how is that going to go if we barely see each other? Also, when do I make time for friends? I already felt crappy because last weekend I cancelled plans with my friend to hang out with him and that’s not very fair to friends who have always been there for me (So my point is, I question if I realistically have time for a relationship). But someone like him would likely say I’m just not willing to put in the effort and would not see time as a good reason.

    3.) He isn’t exactly the guy I always imagined myself with. I’m not talking about looks. He has done nothing but treat me well. He has gone out of his way to meet up with me and has made me feel special. However, he talks about other people at his job and calls them “stupid” or “idiots,” which isn’t like me. I always imagined myself with the extremely sweet guy and that talk kind of bothers me. But I guess it’s getting over my fantasy of who I will end up with.

    4.) When I’m with him, I really enjoy his company. Again, he makes me really happy. I’m attracted to him. He treats me well. My issue is though, when I’m not with him, I have a lot of doubts. I also find myself still thinking about guys from my past and that worries me because I feel like my feelings aren’t as intense as they should be.

    Part of me is telling myself to just enjoy the present and see where it goes. That’s what all my friends tell me. “Stop freaking out.” He makes me happy, he has treated me well, and it’s still very early on. He has expressed that I’ve made him really happy and I’m glad I’ve been able to do that for him.

    However, I also don’t want to waste this guy’s time. I have a gut feeling in a month or two this isn’t going to be what I want and I’m just going to hurt him even more.

    But also, I haven’t experessed any of this to him (because then I come off a psycho) so I’m left feeling these worries while pretending like everything is going dandy. I wake up in the morning and think “We need to discuss these things.” Hours later I tell myself to stop freaking out and go with the flow.

    I’m constantly going back and forth on how I feel. I know I tend to overthink and that’s obvious by this post. But if you were my friend, what advice would you give me?

    Thanks in advance! This site helped me many times before and I hope it can again.
  2. EleanorHunter

    Full Member

    Oct 21, 2013
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    I'd say listen to your gut! You don't have to do what the rest of the world does. I know our age group commonly has this idea of "this is fine for now!" and get into relationships with expiration dates in mind, but if that doesn't work for you, it doesn't work! If anything, it sounds like you and I have similar dating ideas; I don't get into anything if I can't imagine it long term, and my girlfriend and I both are honest about how we date with marriage in mind. If you don't see this lasting more than a month or so, and that idea isn't too great to you, then it's probably not the best option.

    Also, the idea that you have to let go of a "fantasy" of who you'll end up with is a lil' crazy to me. A fantasy would be "I want Brie Larson to ride in on a white horse and carry me away and I will accept nothing less." It sounds like your thoughts or something closer to "I want to be with a genuinely nice guy who doesn't look down on others", and that's not a fantasy, that's just good standards my dude!!