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Struggling to come to terms…

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by AS1989, Jun 11, 2022.

  1. AS1989

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    Hi All, I know I only come here when the Sh!ts hit the fan in my life. But it’s times like this that I feel like I have nowhere else to turn.

    it’s currently 1am local time, and my boyfriend and I have had what seems to be our third argument in 1 week. To make a long story short, we’ve been together around 8 years now, and from nearly the beginning of the relationship we’ve struggled with intimacy issues. We’re both Vers bottoms, so I’m sure people can see where the disconnect is coming. I’ve used my weight gain as one of the reasons for my lack of wanting to top; however I have continued to struggle with said weight falling off of diets regularly.

    Somewhat more recently, my boyfriend (who broke through his struggle with weight) has been spending more time with friends and going to the gym. I expressed my issues with it and it helped for the most part but then went back to the way it is. It finally came to a head when I told him I’m not exactly mad at him but rather I’m lonely. I mentioned that I have tried to initiate sex on multiple occasions but my advices were turned down. At this point I mentioned that maybe we need to think about havin a third sometimes and that I’ve been thinking about it for some time, he admit to the same. He also mentions that has felt that he isn’t really attracted to me because of my weight gain, my cleanliness (the house we own together has been in shambles for a few months now.), as well as how I’ve been presenting myself. A therapist later diagnosed me with some depression. In the meantime I take steps to try to get through the rut; signed up with not 1 but 2 personal trainers. We also later discussed what we want sexual with each other and what we’d like to see in an open relationship. He wants to be able to sleep with other people alone and I say I’m not comfortable with that.

    the next day we attend a sex party ( both of ours first time). He’s an instant hit there while I struggle. It makes me feel kinda down and helpless. We’d both agreed that if either of us feel uncomfortable we would leave. He sees me and asks if I’m ok and if I want to leave. I tell him I’m fine and I still wanna stay. Just wanna find “some”. I eventually meet some people the want to “help out” but it’s not nearly as much as he’s gotten. We’ve later (next day/ today) discuss that I liked the experience, just was upset at the differences between us there. He says he was worried about me (and if I’d enjoy it or be upset with him)and it prevented him from enjoying the experience 100% from enjoying the experience, and that is why he wants the opportunity to have sex outside of us. I tell him that he need not worry about me; and that I can’t get into the mindset of enjoying sex without him included. I say that’s why I’m uncomfortable with us having sex separately. I also said I don’t understand how me being upset when I’m there, and being upset when I’m not is any different.

    I don’t know how to handle this. I feel like I’ve made some personal leaps and bounds, I’ve tried to repair our intimacy issues, but it was too little too late. I feel like doing things without the other is just a cop out to cheating. I want our relationship to last. I want him to be happy. I also want me to be happy. I know my weight loss is an important part of this. I hope that we can work this out. Any advice as to how to proceed would be greatly appreciated.
     
  2. bsg75apollo

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    I would be willing to put money on the the fact that the majority of people on this site have dealt with issues, of depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem. So take some comfort in the the fact that you are not alone. I would also be willing to put money on the fact that many of us have dealt with issues regarding our weight and appearance. Unfortunately, no matter how solid our motivation might be, unless you trying bvb to control your weight for any other reason than for yourself alone, it isn't going to work. You have to know that even at your heaviest you are worthy and you are enough. Easier said than done, right? I would also have to say that in your relationship, you are entitled to have your boundaries regarding what you can accept. As long as they aren't unreasonable, and I don't think yours are, your partner should respect them.
     
  3. AS1989

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    OP: Thank you for saying that. I know that my struggles aren’t unique. In the past I’ve felt that, for me it was an impossible task. Right now I feel like I have to prove every myself wrong every time I had doubt in myself. I also feel like his feelings are also pushing this drive. But I primarily feel like I’m doing it for me.

    as for the boundaries. Our sexual desert has been almost entirely my fault and on my terms. And he’s expressed that he felt in the past that our sex life was always on my terms. And that this is another example of it being on my terms only(the fact that he wouldn’t be able to have sex with others without me.

    I tried to explain to him that I don’t understand how his complaint of me not topping him, and my solution of getting a top for both of us to enjoy together isn’t enough to satisfy that need. I’ve expressed that I’m trying to be open to his terms, but that I don’t know if I’d ever get there. I said I felt like some jealousy is natural in a relationship. And that I felt like the jealousy would be worse if I’m left to wonder what he’s doing, who’s he doing it with, if he’s enjoying it more than being with me… he’s stated that the sex would just be sex and that he’d always want to come home to me because he loves me.

    Again I do see why and how he feels like everything is on my terms; but I feel like it’s unfair to put that pressure and guilt on me when I feel that I am making leaps and bounds in my comfort and everything to try to meet him somewhere that we both can be happy and comfortable and secure in the relationship
     
  4. resu

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    How often are you seeing a therapist? While getting personal trainers can help with your weight, they aren't going to help with depression. You might find a therapist who works on body image and intimacy issues. Also, I think that's separate from sexual intimacy. It's hard to transform a monogamous relationship into a non-monogamous (open) one, and it sounds like your boyfriend knew you were feeling jealous at the sex party. Maybe having just a third person will be less stressful, but maybe not. Try investigating more what is it about weight gain that really is stopping you from topping. Would your boyfriend accept that? Ultimately, you two either will agree or disagree, and its better to discuss honestly rather than waiting for your boyfriend to get frustrated and do something behind your back. Again, a therapist can help you work through these things.