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Struggle between bi vs gay when married

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Lostlady, Sep 18, 2020.

  1. Lostlady

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    I am a 33 year old (woman) and have been with my (male) partner for 14 years. I’ve always identified as bisexual. Before my husband I dated women nearly exclusively.

    since then we’ve had 3 children. We are seemingly happy and healthy but I’m struggling. I’m constantly thinking of women and how I miss the gentle stubble free kisses, the emotional connection I felt with them, etc.

    As time goes on I’m terrified I might be lesbian, not bi. I don’t know what to do.

    I don’t want to wreck a relationship that’s nearly half my life for a “what if” scenario. I’m so lost and confused.
     
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  2. Tartanskrt

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    Hi and welcome.
    I understand some of your struggle and your are not alone. I would say that sexuality is definitely a spectrum to me and I think you can move along it too. I too am married to a man with kids, but in my case I'm now kind of grossed out by his body. That wasn't always the case, although I've never desired a man the way I desire a woman. I don't think you need to feel guilty for finding some women very attractive or for fantasising about them whilst you are married to a man, especially as he knows you are bi.
    I guess the problem comes in more when it feels all consuming and/or if you really don't want him. It's not an easy thing at all especially when you also have your kids to think about. We are all here for you though.
    Do you discuss fantasies with him and/or how much do you discuss your previous relationships with women? Might he be open to you exploring this?
     
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  3. brainwashed

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    A+. Sexuality is definitely a spectrum. One of the hardest things I've had to grapple with my sexuality is I can have sex with women (a limited few) but there is no emotion for them.
     
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  4. Fuzzy

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    It took emotional disconnection and major marital problems before I could emotionally distance myself from my husband to realize I am a lesbian. Doubts continued, but I think that is pretty normal. It does feel like throwing kings away for a "what if," but are you really getting what you should be from your current relationship?
     
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  5. Fuzzy

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    There are some errors above... should say things not kings. Very different...
     
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  6. LostInDaydreams

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    Welcome to EC. :slight_smile:

    I’m sorry that you’re in this situation. It’s an incredibly hard and confusing situation to be in. You’ve come the right place though, and will find other members who can relate to your situation.

    There are some good points made above...Are you happy and fulfilled with your husband? How does the prospect of still being with him 10 years from now feel?

    Sometimes it can be easy to get distracted by questioning your sexuality and whether you would be happier in a same-sex relationship, and in the process completely overlook how unhappy you are in your current relationship anyway.
     
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  7. FleetFoxes

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    I think that you used the word terrified is so heartbreaking. What parts of this different path in life scare you? For me, fear can be a combination of guilt, self doubt, and uncertainty of the unknown... as well as a desire not to hurt others. What are the best parts of your life and relationships at the moment? Would you be able to keep some of those in your new life? What new benefits will you find?
     
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  8. Gayhusband

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    Unfortunately, I feel like I’m in the same struggle. Lost and confused! Always struggling with the amount of problems it’ll (Coming out gay finally as opposed to bisexual) bring for my wife and kids. I hope you find peace and love.
     
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  9. Butterfly6

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    I understand this too well. I was in a relationship with a woman in my teens and I'm finding that I miss that part of myself and this keeps coming back (I'm now 37).

    However, I am still attracted to my husband and other men. I feel like a kinsey 3 or 4...

    My relationship fell apart because I was way too attracted to boys and the sexual buildup was too much to handle.

    Even now I try not to be intimate with my husband but its not easy...I truly understand its hard having feelings for both (other) sexes.
     
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  10. Biappeal

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    It took me a very long time to understand my sexuality. I am married but desire men. I thought for quite some time that I was bi. However, I have realized that I am gay and love my wife immensely. I don't know if this aligns with the Kinsey scale ... maybe 6+1, where the 1 and only is my wife.
     
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  11. maybgayguy

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    this is how I feel as well. We aren’t intimate much either. I love her but have such intense desire to be with a man.
     
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  12. Lostlady

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    Thank you so much everyone for your thoughts and messages. It took me awhile to gather my thoughts, but I did read each and every one of your responses.

    Tartan, This first sentence sums up a lot of it for me. Lately things like the stubble etc have been grossing me out and turning me off. I was soft supple lips, gentle touches, that deep physical connection that I can no longer seem to find with the male body in the same way that I feel like I can with the female body. I don't really discuss fantasies with him at all. He knows about my previous relationships but we never talk about it other than the odd comment in a situation that calls for it. I highly doubt he'd be open to exploring. We have a few friends who were poly and he's mentioned before how he believes when people open up a relationship its basically the last step before divorce.

    Brainwashed, I have strong emotions and feelings for my husband but the physicality of it causes a huge disconnect. I just want a woman physically much more than I want a man.

    Fuzzy, I don't know. I just don't want to lose the stability of it all for a what if. It's so hard. I'm not unhappy per say...just missing something I guess.

    LostInDaydreams, that's such a difficult question. He's my best friend. I love talking to him, hanging out with him, supporting him, spending time with him and the kids. I love traveling and being with him, but I am really missing being with women. Could I give all of that up just because I miss women? Is it enough for me to get by happily or will I regret it when I'm 50/60/70?

    Fleetfoxes, it's the fear of the unknown and the fear of losing the comfortable and relatively happy life that I've built. I'm not sad with him. I love our kids and the life we have together. I just am missing a huge piece of myself. I'm struggling to figure out if I'd be happier living this stable life with him but missing a piece of myself or if I'd be happier leaving him and being able to be with women but then missing him and the stable life which is also a huge piece of myself. It feels like a lose lose situation sometimes.

    Gayhusband, thank you for the support. I hope that you find peace a love as well. Let me know if theres anything I can help you with on your journey as well.

    Butterfly, what is Kinsey? I am sorry you are struggling with the same thing. It truly is difficult. Thank you for sharing your story with me.

    Biappeal, your third sentence really speaks to me. Sometimes that is how I feel. I feel 90% lesbian, but I love my husband deeply. I just don't know how I could ever leave that or change things but it also feels so sad to never experience women again.
     
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  13. brainwashed

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    I have exactly the same situation. I have sex with women and actually enjoy "getting off" so to speak, but there is no heat for them. No deep down burn. Then I see a cute guy and I just melt all over. Quite an interesting phenomena isn't it?
     
    #13 brainwashed, Oct 5, 2020
    Last edited: Oct 5, 2020
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  14. Butterfly6

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    I think being bi is so damn confusing sometimes. I've been with my husband for 17 years, lately I've been avoiding another man that I'm really attracted to and can't stop fantasizing about...

    And then there's these intense emotional feelings for women, its like I crave a relationship with one but I still love my husband and enjoy our relationship (and other men).
     
  15. Jakebusman

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    I feel the same way im married and Bi\Gay
     
  16. Lostlady

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    Hi everyone,
    No updates really. I’m just having a difficult night. Lately the feeling of what I want vs what I have has been getting me down. I feel selfish for feeling this way when I have a beautiful seemingly stable family. How do I mess up the lives of 3 tiny children who want mom and dad just to pacify my fantasies? I shove it down and function fine in the day but at night I feel like it always resurfaces. I want to say I’m 95 percent gay and my husband happens to fall in the 5 percent of men i would date, but I’m terrified that I’m sort of starting to doubt that.
     
  17. LostInDaydreams

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    I’m sorry that you’re having a tough time. It’s a really difficult situation to be in, so be kind to yourself.

    You seem deeply unhappy and that will probably only get worse with time, rather than better. Is it in your children’s best interests to have a mum who is so unhappy? With time, it will likely show in your relationship with your husband and children do pick up on these things. Separated, but happy parents, are usually better than together and miserable parents.
     
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