Stress and Pain

It's only been like, three weeks of college and I'm already feeling the stress and psychological pain. I have been feeling an increase in physical pain over the last year or so, but doctors blame it on my weight and just tell me to eat healthier and lose weight. I know that my weight is a contributing factor to a lot of my problems, however I think that something else is wrong. I get a lot of acid reflux, chest pain, and such, and it really hurts. And the doctors all say the same things. And my psychological pain hurts me too. The stress, anxiety, nervousness, a significant lack of friendliness where I am, school work, feeling dumb and like I don't belong, dysphoria, the strong urge to be out and to transition, and the dreams that I want to make true so bad, but they never come true, also a severe lack of sleep. It all drives me crazy. Like, I can barely stay awake in my classes and when I do, I get really bad headaches. And like today, I tried to nap when I got back to my dorm, but I found it really hard and I kept waking up. And when I wake up, I feel confused and fall back asleep. And I had the weirdest dream, that I can't really remember. But like, it started and stopped every time I woke up and fell asleep again. It was like pause and unpause. And it was so vivid. I feel like I was probably tossing and turning like crazy. I would be like running in my dream and doing stuff. It was weird. And it doesn't help that I can't remember it all that well.

And now the stuff relevant to my transsexuality;

It's started happening again. When I look in the mirror, I see a girl. I don't see a boy. This time, even my facial hair was gone. And it always comes back to me really wanting to be Natasha and how impossible it seems to be. I'm a girl, deep down on the inside. And it seems so hard to bring that out. I don't like it. I really wish this was easy, and I know how that sounds and the reaction it brings, but it's true. All I want is to be a girl. And now my depression is coming back, and the cold-welcome I've received here isn't helping. Even though I like some people here, and I think they're okay people, they seem to think very low of me. I feel like I don't belong. Especially when everybody is a talented artist and I'm just a guy who knows the most basic of basic media related stuff. If that. I'm like nothing here. And it feel like being out as trans, wouldn't help that image. I feel dumb and all sorts of other things, and I really just want the satisfaction of making my dreams a reality, even if I can't make all of them come true. And it's sad. Being alone in a new place, trying to learn new things, etc etc. It's bad. It's a thing.

And I'm sorry if this looks bad or doesn't make sense, I'm typing this as a very sleep deprived individual. And as we all know, sleepiness can be similar to being drunk. So, yeah. I'm punch-drunk tired. It's a thing. And in all honesty, even though I don't get many replies or get to have many conversations on here, its still very nice to post here just to vent and talk and stuff. It's a thing. A nice thing. Anyways, I'm going to sleep. It's night time somewhere.