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Straight marriage to lesbian...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Eab91, Jul 25, 2016.

  1. Eab91

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    I have always seen myself as bisexual, but leaned more towards men. All my relationships were with men. Only sexual relationships with women. I have been married for 3 years, and been together with my husband for 6 years. I just recently came out to him as a lesbian. My attraction towards women has taken over and I have no desire towards men. He was supportive at first, but now he seems angry, resentful, cold, and distant... We are separating because he said, "if you're gay, then there's nothing to work out".

    I am currently looking for a new home but in the meantime I am still living in the same house, just different rooms. I feel like I am going crazy and my anxiety is off the roof. I wish I could just take all this back. I feel so guilty.
     
  2. Bunny45

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    That sounds very stressful. Do you wish you could take it back because your feelings for men have changed, or because someone you very much care for is hurting? Guilt is a weird thing it can show up even when we make decisions that are best for everyone involved. I'll give the advice that everyone here has given me. Talk to him, if needed let him vent about how hurt he is. You may have to separate, but try not to let resentment build between you.
     
  3. RosePetals76

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    Coming out is a hard transition and process. In some ways it's very much a relief, but in others it's an insane influx of emotions and challenges.

    I, too, originally identified as bi, but only had relationships with men. Until the day I asked myself "why haven't I dated women? I like women." And so I did. The floodgates opened, emotions I didn't know existed flooded through, and the coming out process began. There have been some really great times, some very lost times, and some very dark times. I started coming out in March, originally just as bi, but to more people, but once I really was with a woman, I knew instantly I was lesbian. And then I came out with that. I think I accepted my lesbian label in early May. I'm doing so much better now, but May and June were very rough months, and I still have rough days at times.

    Making friends with other lesbians and coming on here have given me the support I needed to get through. I hope it helps you, too. Just know you're not alone.

    As for your husband. 1) Don't feel guilty. You didn't decide to be a lesbian, it was born into you. And you have every right to live as your true self. 2) He's in a grief process, as even if you were to stay together, he has lost the you he thought you were. He will alter through all the grief states. My ex likes that I'm lesbian because he can brag that he's had sex with a lesbian, he can blame the sex being bad on me, and he doesn't have to worry about another man becoming dad to his kids. Hit your hubby up with those when he's down :slight_smile:
     
  4. Eab91

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    My feelings towards men have not changed. I just feel so guilty for making him hurt.. I have told him he can vent to me/or whoever because I know this is hard for him too. But he has just become distant and cold. Maybe that's how her copes with pain and hurt idk.. I feel like it is a catch 22 because coming out to him has made me feel free and happy again, but it is also making me and him hurt and sad. This is all just so confusing! :bang:

    ---------- Post added 26th Jul 2016 at 05:33 PM ----------


    Thank you so much for your advice. I agree that I need to make more lesbian friends. I have not fully accepted that I am lesbian... so it is a struggle. You and I have a very similar situation about our sexuality and coming out.

    I know it's not my fault, i just hate seeing him hurt. You are right he is grieving, but he is acting rude and hurtful towards me now :frowning2: And LOL about "My ex likes that I'm lesbian because he can brag that he's had sex with a lesbian, he can blame the sex being bad on me, and he doesn't have to worry about another man becoming dad to his kids. Hit your hubby up with those when he's down :slight_smile:" I think that would make him laugh if I told him:grin:
     
  5. kypso

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    This is such a difficult process, but remember you matter too.
    Try your best not to feel guilty, consider that having done it now you are potentially saving him and yourself years of heartache. The longer it would have gone on, the harder it would have been.
    It is amazing that humans can trick themselves into believing something, even information about themselves! I have experienced this coming out to yourself feeling and it being a surprise almost.
    In the long run, you have done the right thing for all involved.
    A new beginning awaits :slight_smile:
     
  6. CapColors

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    hugs my dear. separation/divorce is never going to be easy but at least you are moving toward a future in which you can be most authentic self.
     
  7. baristajedi

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    Big hugs hun, I'm going through a similar situation. You can do this. One day at a time (*hug*)