1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Straight guy confessing to his good friend.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by whitelabel, Apr 23, 2013.

  1. whitelabel

    whitelabel Guest

    Joined:
    Apr 22, 2013
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Alright... Let's just start that I am confident that I am straight because I cannot imagine being with another guy, ever, at all. But then again, I have never been in any official relationship with anyone before (guy/girl) but still I can't imagine myself being with another guy. Right. To make things simple, I met a guy from work and became friends. From that point, the only thing I know is that this guy is the last person on earth who I want to have anything to do with. Mainly because our personalities/views are so different that they hardly match. He's a wild, party, and flirtatious guy with the gift of the gap while I, on the other hand, is the, well... so-called decent, discipline, mature type. Both of us have our fair share of admiration from the ladies, and I can tell that he really enjoys that because I've heard he's always talking about girls all the time. He doesn't talk about girls with me because he knows I find it slightly low and he knows I am the type that respect women. As the days goes by, we became closer friends, in the sense that I can tell that we enjoy each other's company very much. We like the feeling of being close to each other. Compared to other guys, we were really nice to each other. Before long, I hate to admit it, but I gradually develop feelings for him.

    I wasn't surprised because I thought probably it's just some infatuation since we have been close for the past few weeks. So, before thinking things through, I have done the most foolish thing any guy could have ever done to their friend. I suggested a guys night out and took him home with me for a sleepover, on the same bed. At one point, I politely suggested that I want to try something on him which he obviously straight out rejected. I can't believe what I've just suggested. Perhaps I was just too 'in the moment' and got carried away. I'm not surprised he rejected anyways since he is straight. I blamed my mind for getting too ahead of myself. I thought we had something special at that moment because despite what had happened, he was still pretty cool with me. We spent the weekend even more closer than before. I was foolish to think I had a chance. Clearly I am just deluded. From the moment on, I acted as if he was already mine. Acting all sweet and lovey-dovey with him. Being extremely nice like how a boyfriend would treat their precious girlfriend. He, of course, repay the favor by being nice back to me and started treating me back. I thought it meant something but I was just naive. Now that I realized, he was just being polite. It's a bro thing.

    We came back to work after that weekend. I noticed I became more frustrated yet at the same time happy when I am with him. I must admit, since that day, I have been very controlling and protective over him. Now that I think back, if I was in his shoes, I would be grasping for air to breath too. I felt really sorry for what I have done to him. Anyways, I would randomly suggest for him to come to my place. Make random excuses for dinner. I just don't care as long as we get to spent time alone, together. I think he started to feel I was getting more clingy so I noticed he began to politely decline my offer and advances, which obviously only made me more "aggressive" since playing hard to get with me only makes me want have him more. I know, I am just too predictable. No one falls for such tricks anymore these days. Guess I was too naive, but then again he was the first guy I have such strong feelings for.

    I held back the feelings I have been keeping for 2 months now and finally, one day I plucked up immense amount of courage (ignoring the fact that I am straight and willing to make sacrifices) and confessed to him my feelings. He admitted that he too has some feelings for me but he was not able to accept such relationship. Most likely is his culture and the way he was brought up. He did mentioned he is very traditional and said that 3 things in life matters most to him: Success, money and WOMEN. Typical alpha male. He also said he is raised up to be independent and self-sufficient and he feels uncomfortable if I keep pampering him the way I do. In other words, he is only into WOMEN.

    Few days later, I forced myself enough courage to persuade him to be with me. I was determined and I've said everything that every girl ever wanted to hear. I said I would wait for him, even if he gets married and all. I have never felt such way for a guy before, ever. I told him we can take it slowly but actually I was very impatient coz' I know he will be transferring to a different work place soon.

    Time passes and only me who's becoming more aggressive and impatient. Whereas to him, everyday is just another day. I kinda felt sad and maybe a lil' angry that I am the only one going through all this because of him. I literally lost so much weight, lost my appetite, lost my sleep, lost my concentration at work and just can't focus on anything. I've already confessed all feelings that I feel and I feel so miserable the fact that he takes it so lightly, like he could care less... whereas to me, it's almost life and death. We haven't talk for a while after that. He thought and was hoping I would have forget it all by then.

    Of course, I couldn't forget about him. I asked him out for dinner only ended up in an argument. Then I literally begged him to not leave me. Yes, a straight guy begging his friend not to leave him. Lost my ego, my dignity as a man everything. But I still begged him cause to me, somehow, he's the only MAN that I only love. Finally, he said he would try to understand me. I was overjoyed. We made a few promises and to try to start all over again with each other. We talked everyday of course I called him like I am some desperate lover and always asking where he was. Calling him 'Baby' when knowing he's really uncomfortable with all that. In other words, I literally messed up my own love life and I lost control over my mind. I was just lonely and desperate I guess.

    Unfortunately this guy can be quite crafty with his words. I just don't know when and how to believe him. I keep feeling that I can't trust him and feel like I have to ask where he goes all the time, who is he with. I felt insecure and I know being this possessive is only going to hurt the relationship sooner. Well, it didn't take long for that to happen. We were suppose to go out for dinner one day and I found out he lied to me that he has something to do when he was actually gonna hang out with his friend using him as an excuse although he promised me first. I literally went berserk and lost all control of my mind and emotions. Begging him and asking him why is he doing this to me. Not in front of his friend of course, but over the phone. He even said he's back with his ex-girlfriend and there is nothing he could do for me no more and just want to shut me off the phone. I threatened to cut my wrist and end my life but to no avail. Nothing means anything anymore to him. Well... guess I brought this on my own. Being a possessive, emotional, and overly controlling boyfriend is a sure fire way to turn off a guy completely.

    Took some day off and tried to settle down. Finally decided I still want to be friends with him cause I really, really love him. At least be brothers and back to how things were before. But of course, it's a naive thinking. Things will never be the same again. He did replied me and said he's willing to forgive and forget. But we shouldn't take with each other anymore. I was more hurt. When I was back to work, I knew I shouldn't but I approached him and talked to him. We had our conversation yesterday and he mentioned that probably the entire workplace already knows about our drama because he accidentally mentioned it to, of all people, our supervisor when she was interviewing him because he was angry and sad that I told some of our mutual friends about this. Not saying what I did was right but I was really going through emotional turmoil at that time. What was a guy like me suppose to do? Besides, I trust my colleagues can keep to themselves. So yea, basically everyone in my workplace now thinks that I am gay. There goes my reputation. When I called him up yesterday, he said he's not angry with me. I asked if we can still be friends. He said it's best not to because he doesn't want to make things more complicated as in people mistakenly think that we are together. I was thinking, this isn't even my fault in the first place. And the end, he got worked up and said he doesn't wanna talk about this anymore and we are cool. I said can we just hang out and talk like normal friends. He said if both of us have the time and we hung up. I was more hurt than before. Feel like I now lose my good friend because of my own foolishness.

    Actually, I've already beaten myself up enough about this and there is only one man in all of existence that i have feelings for i have never ever found another man attractive. I really just am tired and want to move on. Not sure if I am looking for an advice or just wanted to vent.

    Well, it doesn't matter what I feel anymore because the outcome's gonna be the same. It's over. I ruined both our potential relationship and our friendship. Gay, straight, bi, whatever. What does it matter now? I've lost someone whom I feel is the most precious person to me in my entire life, forever.

    I just need ways to get over with this. So that I won't turn into a stalker and creep him out even more. Please, anyone, help me.

    Many thanks in advance.

    Sorry if the entire things seems very neutral and emotionless. Guess I am one in real life.
     
  2. Mystory

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 3, 2013
    Messages:
    205
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    first things first, I could not stop reading your story. Very descriptive and detailed in introspection and telling. It felt as though you were telling me your story in person, in front of me. Thank you so much for sharing that.

    It also seems like you've taken the right step in finding a different method to vent out your emotions. Before, it did seem that you were using him in a way to vent out your emotions because of the sense of satisfaction and comfort that you gained from being around him. To you, he was your sense of happiness, your sense of fulfillment, and your sense of worth. He made you feel good, and he made you feel worthwhile. You must therefore find other activites, or other people capable of reciprocating your feelings, to give you that same sense of satisfaction. You must take the emphasis off the external (him), and take back your life by focusing upon the internal (yourself). Stop thinking about this man, and start spoiling yourself in a way.

    I went through a similar thing, and although I still have feelings for the guy in question, it definitely helps to attempt to meet or contact other people- people who may be able to reciprocate your feelings. It doesn't even have to be an amorous affair- it could simply be a meaningful friendship- a real friend who can help you take your mind off things.

    For the time being... try to meet new people... from what I hear, your work place appears to be stagnated in this drama- a sort of quagmire that's sticking to you as a result of this emotional pain. I think it would be best to meet other people entirely removed from this event- start anew with someone who is open-minded enough to help you explore your sexuality if need-be, but at the same time, someone who can act as your support network regardless of how the relationship turns out, a friend to whom you can relate to, count upon and talk to with regards to your sexuality.

    Finally, I am not saying that this event has particularly polarised you into one end of the sexuality spectrum- but rather, I am suggesting that it may be time to set things aside and really explore your sexuality; to better understand yourself, and the way in which you relate to those around you.

    It's also good that you have decided to vent yourself onto this forum (a story which I gladly read and enjoyed because of its realism), because at least in this way, you are diffusing your company across another medium, shifting your attention to something else. I believe that this will be beneficial for you and your friend- some time apart.
     
    #2 Mystory, Apr 23, 2013
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2013
  3. Hefiel

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2013
    Messages:
    1,061
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Montréal
    You might be Demisexual (a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone).

    You also seem to have a certain level of jealousy and anxiety that I would call "unhealthy", it's definitively something that you should look into and try to address because it's dangerous for your mental state. You're already beating yourself up pretty badly in your post.

    I'd suggest you try to find an LGBT meetup group somewhere near you. You don't have to be gay to join, and you might be able to find some answers about yourself. You might also be able to make new friends who are more "open" about their sexuality, and potentially meet someone you could develop interest in. Or just go out and meet new people, see where it leads.
     
  4. whitelabel

    whitelabel Guest

    Joined:
    Apr 22, 2013
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Hey guys, sorry for the late reply. Been busy with work lately. Thx for all the input.

    @Mystory:
    Thx man for your advice. I really appreciate it and glad that somehow you're able to relate to my experience. I think I'm gonna go with your advice for now. A new environment, occupying myself and meeting new people. I've been doing all that recently but still felt empty inside without him. A typical scenario of 'missing my best friend' or 'I wish things were how it was used to be'. Guess I am still an innocent boy deep down.

    Well, in case anyone's interested... we made up and we are cool now... as so-called 'brothers'. So-called because knowing it's just some comfort line we are using to not feel awkward when talking to each other. This week's been a good and bad one because there are things I still can't figure out. When I was working one day, he came into my department and was settling some paperwork. I noticed him cause I happened to be around there. Pretty impressed with myself that I was all cool about it, like he's jz a friend passing by. We didn't greet of course. While I wasn't expecting anything from his side (just doing my work), after he's done with his paperwork he just approached me and we talked about random stuff. He gave me a CHOCOLATE. Well, throughout the conversation I was just being cool and all, as if a friend was giving me some snacks. I must admit I was quite glad that this was probably a sign things are getting better. I wasn't until lately I noticed he only approaches me when we are alone but not when our friends/colleagues are around. I am assuming he's afraid that people mistakenly thinks that we are together. From my side, I don't really see it as a big deal. Yea, things happened between us but bro, I am straight. It happened only once and it was with him. We've already talked through that and we are brothers now, so what are we really hiding from others actually? It's natural for 2 straight guys hanging out, talking isn't it? It's just a typical bro thing and he's making as if there's something 'underground' going on between us. Frankly speaking, I am quite disappointed with him. I wanted to believe that the 'gift' was a sign we are putting back our past behind us. Well... I suppose I kinda forgot that will naturally take quite some time.

    As if I wasn't foolish enough, called him yesterday night. I was trying to make the entire conversation a bro thing but I can't help to notice he wasn't very keen to talk to me and was wondering why I even called him up in the first place. I thought since I was going down to his town, we could have breakfast/lunch tmr. I dislike myself for knowing him too well. It's typical of him to come up with all sorts of excuses to say he wasn't available. It felt like he was intentionally occupying his schedule so that he will always have an excuse to not meet up with me. But I am quite sure if it was his other friends (esp. girls), he would have make time for them no matter how saturated his schedule was. I also dislike the fact that he's being a nice guy and trying not to hurt my feelings and send me to frenzy state again like what happened before (I think he kinda got phobia from all that), so after coming up with all those excuses, he could still politely say that, "I will let you know when I have free time". I was thinking, am I his dog? That is what I meant by knowing him 'too well'.

    I mean, I called him my brother but even a random friend could spent 15 mins of their time everyday just to chat/eat with me. I don't even remember when was the last time we had proper conversation/proper meal together. The truth is that I know all this makes me sound narrow-minded and selfish, but I can appreciate that each time when I asked him out, he could at least make an effort to reschedule or to show that he really wants to hang out with me as well but is just really too busy. Or am I expecting too much from him at such a short period of time? Or am I just being too willful in my own way? The sad thing about all this is I know the answers to my problems but my mind is just losing control and is taking over me. Guess I still have strong feelings for him, just less intense. Again, I dislike that I am the only one going through all this.

    I really don't want to force/impose anything on him again because I know him too well that he doesn't like people controlling him and the only silver lining is that I will have to let him naturally come back to me without being too attached to him. And if he does come back, I will still need to prevent myself from letting him know that I am still that desperate lover who still loves him and hoping us to get back together all this time. Seriously, what karma have I done in my past life that I need to repay things to him this way. All these things that I am saying will NEVER occur to him because he is just a typical male who's currently really afraid of me because I went berserk (once) that time. Who wouldn't? I will too and sadly, I am not a 'second-chance' person either should I meet someone like me too. Either that, or I am just being unusually sensitive for a guy.

    I no longer know what I want. To be a friend, a brother, or still a desperate lover convincing his ex to come back to him. Or maybe but hopefully not, have nothing to do with him at all. Please, I can appreciate some opinions on this.
     
    #4 whitelabel, Apr 26, 2013
    Last edited: Apr 26, 2013
  5. whitelabel

    whitelabel Guest

    Joined:
    Apr 22, 2013
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    @Hefiel:

    Hey man, what you've said really rang a bell in me. I tried googling the term 'demisexual' and I find that it fits me quite perfectly (I would say ~95%). I think I'll just stay with that first until I find a more accurate description of my orientation.

    And yea, about the jealousy and anxiety thing... I know I had that issue way back since I don't allow myself outside much and I know that, at my age, I should be exploring the world and people by now. It's just that I am not too sure how to start. I feel like I need to know the person well to a certain level before considering making friends with them. Guess I also have a suspicious/defensive nature in me too. I can, of course, walk to random strangers and strike a conversation but it doesn't feel natural to me at all. I doubt such things will last. I prefer relationships/friendships that can go a very long way. Then again, if I don't give others a chance, I will never know isn't it? Still, I prefer things to be natural.

    Frankly speaking, I am honored and grateful that most ladies are able to appreciate me and because of that, I have no problems establishing friendship with them at all. It's just the bros. Not that I have any issues with guys. I can pretty much chill out with them like the average guy next door. It's just that, most of the time, I don't particularly find what they talk/chat about interesting (Eg. Politics, sports, degrading women, self-praising/bragging about their achievements, cursing, acting like a know-it-all). I want to believe that probably it's just the way that I was brought up where such things are rarely emphasized on me. So, I suppose as I grew up, I rarely am interested in such things and I can't help to doze off each time my bros are bragging about themselves all the time and I have to pretend to be interested or try to brag about myself too. This is probably, what my friend has been going through since young. So maybe I was being a lil' bit irrational to expect him to let go all that and chill with me without bothering about other's opinion on him. Well, he enjoys the limelight after all and can't imagine if one day, should everyone around him not being able to accept him chilling with me.

    Btw, from where I come from, LGBTs are not widely accepted. It's still a developing country and I am not sure when they will ever 'make things happen'. Guess I know how my friend feels about us together now. He's probably afraid it's going to affect his courier or future. I thought our friendship meant more than anything to us. Guess not.

    Man... I just need a sincere, good friend who will go through thick and thin with me. Like soul mates but not in a sexual way. This obviously isn't practical in the real world where meanness is at its peak in these age and time. I already found the one which is him and I lost him. Maybe that's why I was being possessive of him all the time. Afraid of letting go and never be able to meet my soul mate ever again. After all, such encounters happens once in a lifetime. I hope not.

    Cheers. Whitelabel.
     
  6. Mystory

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 3, 2013
    Messages:
    205
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    I can't tell you how much you sound like me when I went (still sort of going through it) the same thing. Everything that you have said- I have said to myself at some point. I especially found pertinent your point about how you are able to manage lunch and casual daily chit chat with your other friends, but to this particular person, such gestures are interpreted as sexual advances- a general overreaction on his part. The stuff you also said about asking him questions where the answer is pre-emptively predicted as a rejection also reminds me a lot about myself. Also the bit about the "underground" also reminded me greatly of past naiveties, where I had once believed that me and my friend were some how communicating through secretive stares and gestures. Apart from everything however, it really sounds like you're making progress- and I'd strongly advise you to continue doing what you are doing, meeting new people, expressing yourself, and potentially searching for someone who can fulfill this "soul-mate" reciprocation that you so want and need. You need to remove his presence from your mind, bit by bit.

    I have to admit, although most of what you are going through has happened to me a few months back, I still sometimes find myself edging precariously over that precipice between falling in love once more and hopeful romanticism. It really isn't an easy task to maintain a close friendship after the rejection- and to be frank, the events of our last meeting has bought up within me old feelings, mixed this time however, with a bit of painful regret of things that never could be. In any case, you just have to keep reminding yourself, and distancing yourself by setting mental barriers and limits. You need to find a new friend who completely blows this guy out of the water... as bluntly as that sounds =/

    I hate that you are in this situation, and I wish you the best of luck in feeling better. I find writing it out helps. Please keep us updated.
     
  7. stumble along

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 8, 2011
    Messages:
    652
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    SR388
    It's good that you recognize that what you are doing isnt good, in fact its pretty damn close if not already stalking. I also highly recommend that you continue to pull yourself away, and only talk to him when he initiates it, dont give in and call him or anything like that. The more you do it the more bwnt your relationship with him gets, and its already very close to breaking.
     
  8. Aldrick

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 23, 2012
    Messages:
    2,175
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Virginia
    Okay, a few things.

    1. Just because you can't imagine yourself being with another guy doesn't mean you're not bisexual or gay. We're all raised to believe that we're straight, and are indoctrinated from birth that we're supposed to get married and start popping out the kiddies. It can be very hard to break ourselves of this mental fantasy of our future.

    2. To be bluntly honest, I'm shocked the guy was as accepting as he was of your behavior. I'm gay, but I wouldn't tolerate a boyfriend acting this possessive - you can flat out forget allowing a friend to be this possessive.

    3. You need to find a different focus for your affection. I'm sorry, but this guy is straight and he's not going to return your feelings. It doesn't matter what you say or what you do. Your sexual orientation is hardwired, and it isn't going to change. You run the risk of causing trouble for yourself at your place of employment if you continue to give into your urges. The fact that your supervisor knows about what has gone on... this isn't something to risk losing your job over. It also borders on stalking and harassment - if it hasn't crossed that line already.

    4. I think the best thing for you to do is find some gay and bisexual friends. Forget about labels for yourself; labels are for t-shirts and cans of soup. What you want to do is meet people who are going to help you take your mind off this guy, and if you find yourself capable of falling this deeply for a man then you raise the possibility of potentially getting involved with someone who might actually return your affection.

    I know this is somewhat blunt, but I feel that you need to draw a clear line in the sand. The path you're currently going down is not healthy or good for you.
     
  9. whitelabel

    whitelabel Guest

    Joined:
    Apr 22, 2013
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    @Mystory:
    Thanks man. Really appreciate it that you can relate to me. Like you said, I'll do just that. Getting myself a LIFE, that is. I'll keep you posted 'bout this in near future (if any). Thanks again :slight_smile:

    @stumble along:
    I think you've just spoken my mind. I've been dwelling about these things that you have said. Guess I needed to hear/see it out loud from someone. Thanks for the reminder. I'll imprint it in my mind from now on. Really appreciate it as well.
     
  10. whitelabel

    whitelabel Guest

    Joined:
    Apr 22, 2013
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    @Aldrick:

    Hi Aldrick. I must say that I'm very glad to have someone being honest and straightforward with me. I really needed some reality check anyways. Just a quick response to a few things you have mentioned:

    1. About my orientation, I don't think it matters to me anymore. I'm not too sure how it will sound once I say this, but I will choose to be straight regardless. From my past, limited experiences, it's not worth it to lose my so-called 'brothers' this way and see them going through all the discomfort because of me. My 'brothers' may/may not be the most understanding people in the world, but I want to believe that when they chose to be my friend in the first place, they have, at least to a certain degree, put significant amount of trust and faith in me, that I am to be their 'buddy'. I don't think I am able to break/breach their trust in this way ever again. It breaks my heart to see how one of my 'brothers' wanted to speak with me, but was chose not to because he's afraid it will affect his image. It's not his fault because I understand it takes a strong and confident person to not be sway by public opinion. If I was in his shoes, I would probably do the same. I want this to stop from this day onward and offer them my friendship and no longer any selfish desire from my part.

    2. Fortunately or unfortunately, I must say, I too, find my possessiveness towards people disagreeable. I can only say that, no man is an island. Guess isolating oneself from the real world too much began to take a toll on me. I have always wanted the world to be perfect so when I realized it isn't, I refuse to accept the reality. Perhaps that is also one of the reason for my possessiveness. I refuse to believe things will never be the same between us and insisted on our friendship so much that is torturing him. It's not very healthy. I want to change for the better. I am tired of hurting those I care for.

    3. I agree that is very unprofessional of me. I am deeply ashamed of my behavior and actions. I truly have breach, well... basically every principle in life which I believed in... friendship, work, colleagues, relationships. Everything. I used to think I was a mature, principled, and disciplined 'man'. Guess I was still a young and naive 'boy' at heart, doing everything as I please and being so willful and selfish. Now, I know... It's painful to go through all that but I guess it's a lesson that I must learn sooner or later in order to grow up into an adult. I am really sorry... for putting him through all this... He was a good friend...

    4. Believe it or not, I used to have gay friends, but not bisexuals though (I can't tell anyways). But it's not working. Most of the time, they ended up having feelings for me. I am honored and all because I understand all humans have emotions and have their own right to express it. I just couldn't picture myself being with them anymore (and I know NOT ALL gays are like that. It's not appropriate to generalize), and I also don't mean it in an offensive way. But after a number of similar encounters, it's just too overwhelming for me because I can't help to think that they are going after my body all the time (Yes, I know I am a hypocrite)... I guess I finally understood how my friend felt about me now. Answering my own question after all... For what it's worth, I know they are nice gay guys out there who isn't necessarily after guys' body all the time and all they ever wanted is to feel 'complete' with another man. So, hopefully all this doesn't make me sound like I am being biased towards gay men or anything.

    5. And finally, thank you very much. I really appreciate your concern for me and I agree that this path that I am currently on is very unhealthy. I really need another outlet or go out there more often and see the world. Thanks again :slight_smile:

    Cheers. Whitelabel.
     
    #10 whitelabel, Apr 28, 2013
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2013