Alright... Let's just start that I am confident that I am straight because I cannot imagine being with another guy, ever, at all. But then again, I have never been in any official relationship with anyone before (guy/girl) but still I can't imagine myself being with another guy. Right. To make things simple, I met a guy from work and became friends. From that point, the only thing I know is that this guy is the last person on earth who I want to have anything to do with. Mainly because our personalities/views are so different that they hardly match. He's a wild, party, and flirtatious guy with the gift of the gap while I, on the other hand, is the, well... so-called decent, discipline, mature type. Both of us have our fair share of admiration from the ladies, and I can tell that he really enjoys that because I've heard he's always talking about girls all the time. He doesn't talk about girls with me because he knows I find it slightly low and he knows I am the type that respect women. As the days goes by, we became closer friends, in the sense that I can tell that we enjoy each other's company very much. We like the feeling of being close to each other. Compared to other guys, we were really nice to each other. Before long, I hate to admit it, but I gradually develop feelings for him. I wasn't surprised because I thought probably it's just some infatuation since we have been close for the past few weeks. So, before thinking things through, I have done the most foolish thing any guy could have ever done to their friend. I suggested a guys night out and took him home with me for a sleepover, on the same bed. At one point, I politely suggested that I want to try something on him which he obviously straight out rejected. I can't believe what I've just suggested. Perhaps I was just too 'in the moment' and got carried away. I'm not surprised he rejected anyways since he is straight. I blamed my mind for getting too ahead of myself. I thought we had something special at that moment because despite what had happened, he was still pretty cool with me. We spent the weekend even more closer than before. I was foolish to think I had a chance. Clearly I am just deluded. From the moment on, I acted as if he was already mine. Acting all sweet and lovey-dovey with him. Being extremely nice like how a boyfriend would treat their precious girlfriend. He, of course, repay the favor by being nice back to me and started treating me back. I thought it meant something but I was just naive. Now that I realized, he was just being polite. It's a bro thing. We came back to work after that weekend. I noticed I became more frustrated yet at the same time happy when I am with him. I must admit, since that day, I have been very controlling and protective over him. Now that I think back, if I was in his shoes, I would be grasping for air to breath too. I felt really sorry for what I have done to him. Anyways, I would randomly suggest for him to come to my place. Make random excuses for dinner. I just don't care as long as we get to spent time alone, together. I think he started to feel I was getting more clingy so I noticed he began to politely decline my offer and advances, which obviously only made me more "aggressive" since playing hard to get with me only makes me want have him more. I know, I am just too predictable. No one falls for such tricks anymore these days. Guess I was too naive, but then again he was the first guy I have such strong feelings for. I held back the feelings I have been keeping for 2 months now and finally, one day I plucked up immense amount of courage (ignoring the fact that I am straight and willing to make sacrifices) and confessed to him my feelings. He admitted that he too has some feelings for me but he was not able to accept such relationship. Most likely is his culture and the way he was brought up. He did mentioned he is very traditional and said that 3 things in life matters most to him: Success, money and WOMEN. Typical alpha male. He also said he is raised up to be independent and self-sufficient and he feels uncomfortable if I keep pampering him the way I do. In other words, he is only into WOMEN. Few days later, I forced myself enough courage to persuade him to be with me. I was determined and I've said everything that every girl ever wanted to hear. I said I would wait for him, even if he gets married and all. I have never felt such way for a guy before, ever. I told him we can take it slowly but actually I was very impatient coz' I know he will be transferring to a different work place soon. Time passes and only me who's becoming more aggressive and impatient. Whereas to him, everyday is just another day. I kinda felt sad and maybe a lil' angry that I am the only one going through all this because of him. I literally lost so much weight, lost my appetite, lost my sleep, lost my concentration at work and just can't focus on anything. I've already confessed all feelings that I feel and I feel so miserable the fact that he takes it so lightly, like he could care less... whereas to me, it's almost life and death. We haven't talk for a while after that. He thought and was hoping I would have forget it all by then. Of course, I couldn't forget about him. I asked him out for dinner only ended up in an argument. Then I literally begged him to not leave me. Yes, a straight guy begging his friend not to leave him. Lost my ego, my dignity as a man everything. But I still begged him cause to me, somehow, he's the only MAN that I only love. Finally, he said he would try to understand me. I was overjoyed. We made a few promises and to try to start all over again with each other. We talked everyday of course I called him like I am some desperate lover and always asking where he was. Calling him 'Baby' when knowing he's really uncomfortable with all that. In other words, I literally messed up my own love life and I lost control over my mind. I was just lonely and desperate I guess. Unfortunately this guy can be quite crafty with his words. I just don't know when and how to believe him. I keep feeling that I can't trust him and feel like I have to ask where he goes all the time, who is he with. I felt insecure and I know being this possessive is only going to hurt the relationship sooner. Well, it didn't take long for that to happen. We were suppose to go out for dinner one day and I found out he lied to me that he has something to do when he was actually gonna hang out with his friend using him as an excuse although he promised me first. I literally went berserk and lost all control of my mind and emotions. Begging him and asking him why is he doing this to me. Not in front of his friend of course, but over the phone. He even said he's back with his ex-girlfriend and there is nothing he could do for me no more and just want to shut me off the phone. I threatened to cut my wrist and end my life but to no avail. Nothing means anything anymore to him. Well... guess I brought this on my own. Being a possessive, emotional, and overly controlling boyfriend is a sure fire way to turn off a guy completely. Took some day off and tried to settle down. Finally decided I still want to be friends with him cause I really, really love him. At least be brothers and back to how things were before. But of course, it's a naive thinking. Things will never be the same again. He did replied me and said he's willing to forgive and forget. But we shouldn't take with each other anymore. I was more hurt. When I was back to work, I knew I shouldn't but I approached him and talked to him. We had our conversation yesterday and he mentioned that probably the entire workplace already knows about our drama because he accidentally mentioned it to, of all people, our supervisor when she was interviewing him because he was angry and sad that I told some of our mutual friends about this. Not saying what I did was right but I was really going through emotional turmoil at that time. What was a guy like me suppose to do? Besides, I trust my colleagues can keep to themselves. So yea, basically everyone in my workplace now thinks that I am gay. There goes my reputation. When I called him up yesterday, he said he's not angry with me. I asked if we can still be friends. He said it's best not to because he doesn't want to make things more complicated as in people mistakenly think that we are together. I was thinking, this isn't even my fault in the first place. And the end, he got worked up and said he doesn't wanna talk about this anymore and we are cool. I said can we just hang out and talk like normal friends. He said if both of us have the time and we hung up. I was more hurt than before. Feel like I now lose my good friend because of my own foolishness. Actually, I've already beaten myself up enough about this and there is only one man in all of existence that i have feelings for i have never ever found another man attractive. I really just am tired and want to move on. Not sure if I am looking for an advice or just wanted to vent. Well, it doesn't matter what I feel anymore because the outcome's gonna be the same. It's over. I ruined both our potential relationship and our friendship. Gay, straight, bi, whatever. What does it matter now? I've lost someone whom I feel is the most precious person to me in my entire life, forever. I just need ways to get over with this. So that I won't turn into a stalker and creep him out even more. Please, anyone, help me. Many thanks in advance. Sorry if the entire things seems very neutral and emotionless. Guess I am one in real life.