Hi. I'm from a country where homosexuality was unheard of when I was prepubescent. From when I was as little as 7 years old, I liked girls. I would make my barbies kiss eachother and also remember telling one of my friends that I will marry a girl when I grow up. The reason was that I didn't want to share a room with a boy but then again, I didn't believe in cooties. Most of my friends were boys, still are. I've never had many girl friends, 2-3 at most because I find women intimidating in a way. I'm not myself around them. Anyway, after puberty, I was the only girl that didn't like any boy. I'm not sure if I had a crush on my girl best friend or that I just found her pretty. Till date, I can't distinguish if it's attraction or envy? Eventually I started dating boys but never liked them. Didn't enjoy kissing them either. I remember wanting to kiss my girl best friend though. I was 12-13. In my head I was like "I want her to teach me how to kiss". Then I went to boarding school. When I was 16, I finally fell in love and it was a boy. I loved hanging out with him. We even got eachothers names tattooed. I enjoyed kissing him. After about a year of dating, we decided to have sex. I lost all the feelings I had for him the moment I saw the penis. I deeply cared for him but I wasn't attracted to him. Things went rough from that point onwards. I tried to make it last but I subconsciously kept doing things to ruin it. We broke up. I was upset still, because I lost a great friend that day. My best friend (boy) was there with me through this. After a few months, I started liking him. I'd known him for years and so the feelings kept growing and making our friendship stronger. Eventually we started dating. The best part was, we acted like friends but we still had the shy and awkward moments and laughed a lot. I loved everything, the kissing, the touching. Then after 9 months, we decide to have sex. And I wasn't disgusted. I loved his body, so much that I always liked seeing him, touching him and fooling around. I didn't notice anyone else (boy or girl) the 2 years that we were together. This is where things get confusing. I haven't dated anyone after him. I do notice guys sometimes (normally the ones that are really tall, fit with really good faces. But I notice girls too and I honestly probably check them out more than I check guys out. But again, I don't know if it's attraction or envy. Maybe I wish I had their hair or legs or body frame? I've never been with a girl so I honestly don't know. I've been in love with a boy though. And I find the young Leonardo DiCaprio very hot and would totally kiss him if I was on the titanic with him. I find some women actresses really pretty but I don't imagine kissing them. I sometimes have sex dreams about my ex. I've sometimes had them about girls. I don't know what I like. I don't know if I'm gay, straight but curious or bisexual. No knowing really bothers me and experimenting is very hard. 1) because I can't get into anything physical unless I've known a person for months. I'm just not comfortable with that 2) finding lesbians is very hard. My gaydar is terrible and I don't think the lesbians at my school think I'm lesbian. 3) I don't go to the LGBT group on campus because my friends don't know and I'm scared they'll find out.
I get the feeling that you could be pansexual from what I've read so far. So you could be romantically attracted to a man or woman, gender has no importance. It just that you gave me the impression that you couldn't have a sexual relationship with someone you don't truly like whether it's a man or a woman that's why I didn't chose bi.
