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Stop being lesbian.

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by cmb3, Jan 10, 2018.

  1. cmb3

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    I don’t want to be lesbian anymore. I mean, I never wanted to be in the first place. I’ve been out and dating women for several years, but i’ve never be happy about being gay. I thought maybe it would pass as the newness wore off, and I would grow to accept it. Except it hasn’t. I’m dating a fantastic girl that I absolutely love, but I still can’t stand the thought of living the rest of my life as a lesbian. It’s hard to explain, but it has nothing to do with her, it’s just not the life I want. I have even been doing this online class type thing to treat and be straight, but I really think it’s just making my hate myself more. I just feel so trapped in this, and I don’t know what to do or where to go. I just want a way out
     
  2. Chiroptera

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    Please don't do this. These "treatments" and "conversion therapies" are a farce, and, as you are noticing yourself, it will only hurt you. There are no proof that these things work, but plenty of proof that they will end up making things a lot worse.

    Let's reflect about this. Why do you feel that living the rest of your life with another woman (let's put labels aside for a moment) would not be a good thing?

    And have you tried talking to a therapist about these feelings? It could be helpful to you to talk to a professional about this (and, of course, i'm talking about a registered psychologist, not someone that uses that title to practice obscure "techniques" that don't work and will hurt you).
     
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  3. Fade

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    If I may offer a word, might I ask what it is about being a lesbian that causes you to not want to spend the rest of your life as one? You can answer as honestly as you like, even if it means some toxic words will surface.
     
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  4. silverhalo

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    Hey hugs that's a crappy place to be in but as the others have said those conversion things really only do more harm than good.
    Maybe start by telling us what bothers you most about being a lesbian?
     
  5. AmberRose

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    Agree with everyone.

    But, I do think you should talk to your significant other about you having a rough patch accepting your sexuality. She may be able to help you or relate to your acceptance process. Think it's important to allow your gf in on your feelings for all you know she is sensing something.
     
  6. cmb3

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    I really have no problem with anyone else being gay, I just don’t want to be. and I can’t quite figure out why. I’m not overly religious and literally everyone else in my life accepts it. It’s just me. I guess it doesn’t really fit into the plan and what I wanted for my life. I hate being different. I hate constantly having to come out. I hate feeling like a freak because of who I date.
    this conversion class thing is really only making me feel worse, but I don’t want to quite on the off chance that it works.
     
  7. AmberRose

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    It's really up to you what choices you make in your life. But, if you feel shame for being homosexual and you are determine to changing your sexuality. It is best to let your gf in on this decision of yours.

    I know someone will feel my comment is harsh. But, you need to sit down and talk to your gf about what is going on emotionally and the choices you are making for yourself. Your decision will affect her.

    But, I think you should quit this conversion therapy and I think you should take time to find self-love.
    Best wishes.
     
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  8. LucasCain

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    I'm not trying to be mean, but you need to keep something in mind. That even if you weren't a lesbian, life will always take over at some point and turn your plans upside down at some point and screw you over. It's never even an "if" it's always a "when" because that's part of how life works. What's important is how you handle the situation when it happen and you just learn to live with it push forward if you want something.

    (This may all sound corny or a bit off the mark but...)
    Another thing is that you're not a freak in any sort of way. You do, however, need to stop obsessing over a label. If you don't like considering yourself as a lesbian then don't. You don't have to be a lesbian in order to be attracted to women or admire and appreciate qualities about them. You don't have to use any labels to explain to yourself or anyone why you truly love someone (if you truly do love your girlfriend like you claim.) There's a thing called loving people unconditionally where it doesn't matter what sex, gender, shape, race, how poor or wealthy they are, etc. You just love them regardless. In a way, it says a lot. Since it means you aren't there for what she can do for you, but because you truly just want to be with her. So if you hate being a lesbian so much then scrap being a lesbian and just be you without the stereotypes, without the labels. Just you.

    And while you're at it, quit that conversion class. They don't work and you don't need it. You said it before that you don't like being a lesbian, so then, like said before, you just don't be one and love whoever you want without a label. People can call it weird if you feel free and comfortable enough to love someone no matter what, but that'll be their problem as long as you're happy in the end with your significant other.

    Although, I am curious why you're so hung-up about a label. It hasn't stopped you from being able to marry, have kids, get a nice home somewhere, etc. You don't have to explain. I just hope you stop torturing yourself for your own sake, as well as, for your girlfriend's sake.
     
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  9. silverhalo

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    You are me when I first figured out I was gay. I had never been homophobic, always accepting no problem with other people's sexuality, my family are liberal and accepting. Then I realised I was gay and everything changed. It was like it was ok for everyone else but not me, why me, it couldn't be me.
    Do you live in a generally accepting area?
    Being gay sucks, it does, there is no getting away from that but being gay and living a straight life sucks even more. We just have to find a way to get you to be at peace with the parts of being gay that suck so that you can enjoy the rest of your life.
    Of course the choice on conversation is yours but I can assure you it won't work and even if you feel like it works for a bit in years to come it will all unravel and then you will be in a worse situation than you are now. Rather than conversion have you considered seeing an LGBT specialising therapist?
     
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  10. Chip

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    I can tell you with 100% certainty, based on a metastudy done by the APA that looked at 50+ studies over the past 50 years, that conversion therapy does not work, and often makes things worse.

    I strongly urge you to drop that idea and get yourself to a good therapist. You need help loving and accepting yourself, not having a bunch of ignorant bigots telling you that you are broken and can change.
     
  11. cmb3

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    It really means a lot to hear that someone else feels or felt the same way. I’m in a realatively accepting area, and my entire family and friend group is accepting. The only one who seems to have a problem with it is me. which has also been hard for me, because it doesn’t make sense. In theory, i’m living any gay persons dream in the terms of acceptance. but I also know that my feelings are valid, and I really hate that i’m gay. To be honest, i’ve seen a therapist in the past (it was kind of related to being gay, but not fully) and actually made some progress with her. but abruptly she stopped seeing her patients. come to find out she killed herself. it kind of turned me off the whole therapy thing in general.. I thought she had all the answers, and look where that got her.
     
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  12. silverhalo

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    Aww I'm sorry about what happened with the therapist I can understand that making you somewhat reluctant although I'm sure you know that isn't the norm. Maybe it would be something worth revisiting. Sometimes it's easier to have the answers to other people and not so easy for yourself.
    Perhaps a part of your non acceptance also stems from the guilt of having such accepting people around you but not being happy.
    Can you split it out into parts of why you hate it? Like would there be one main one?
     
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  13. cmb3

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    I don’t know that there would be one main one. I hate being different. I hate the feeling of shame I have. I hate having to perpetually come out. I have not knowing what others reactions are going to be when I come out. I hate the feeling of judgement when I’m in public with my girlfriend. I hate all the stereotypes of gays. I don’t know what the main issue is, I don’t know why I can’t just suck it up, accept it, and enjoy the gift i’ve been given with my GF and accepting loving family. I hate myself more because I can’t just do that. i feel like it’s come to a head recently, and i’m so tired of hating myself.
     
  14. silverhalo

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    Well first off I really think you should give therapy a go. Talking to people on EC and reading threads is a great second step but I do think professional assistance would really help you.
    Do you have other gay friends or mainly straight friends?

    I understand not wanting to be different but even if you ditch you girlfriend and stay single or convince yourself you are straight I think you know deep down that you will still feel different. You will still be gay you will just be hiding it.
    Do you feel as though you are letting people down because you are gay?

    There really isn't anything you can do about the constant coming out but I do believe that if you didn't have the shame and guilt you wouldn't find this such an issue.
    Those people that judge you when you are with your girlfriend would probably judge you even without her. Sure maybe not all of them but people like that are just judgemental and if it's no time one thing it's another.
    Gay stereotypes do suck they do but some of them at least are getting better, do you have a friendship group you can use for support?
     
  15. Fade

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    While it's been said several times already, I too would like to add some reinforcement to the notion of quitting the conversion group, if you haven't done so already. What I've found is that they build a person's hatred towards themselves, and attempt to convince them to change based on that built hatred. This is an extremely toxic way to attempt to make someone change, and will only cause the bad feelings to strengthen, which is the opposite of what should be done. Not to mention, it's caused more harm than good (If any good has ever come of such a method in the first place), so I strongly recommend dropping the group. No matter what they do to try to get you to stay, trust me when I say that it's much more beneficial for your personal health to dissociate yourself with that group. You will thank yourself later for doing so.

    On the subject of always having to come out, perhaps look on it at a different angle. It is, in fact, perfectly natural and normal, and there are ways to display your orientation without having to have it come up in conversation. For example, simply being with your girlfriend and holding her hand and displaying even subtle affection towards her should be enough to make anyone with half a brain cell to clue in, and in doing so you can avoid the situation of 'coming out' in the first place. While yes, there will be times that you can't have your girlfriend around to employ this method, there are also other conversational strategies that can get the point across in a manner much less like beating it into a person's head with a hammer. Simply stating that you are already in a relationship is a neutral way to get people to leave you alone about the subject entirely, for instance.

    I do hope that things have been getting better for you. It can take some time to really figure out how you feel and think about situations like these, and there may be times when plans we've dreamt up will have to be altered, be it a little or a lot. And sometimes there are times when entirely new plans will have to be made. Just remember that dreams are fluid, and I would advise not getting too attached to the first one you come up with. I have found that when we allow ourselves the freedom to update our plans to suit our true feelings and desires, and allow ourselves the flexibility to mould them as we see fit, it makes it a lot easier to be able to obtain them, and still feel satisfied that a dream has been realized and reached. As a practice, I would suggest this; Sit with yourself and discuss changing your plans and/or dreams. Think about changing something, so that the dream you have fits more in line with your current situation, and observe your reaction. Think about why someone would make this reaction, as if it was someone else making the reaction and not yourself. In doing this, you may start to see and understand a bit more on the inner workings of yourself, and understand what it is that is making the entire situation so troublesome for you in the first place.