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Stolen identity

Discussion in 'The Welcome Lounge' started by Djoii, May 3, 2023.

  1. Djoii

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    Firstly I would like to thank this site for existing. I found it by accident after entering a Google search which I will share the wording sometime later in this post. I am 53 and quite a journey has led me to this current moment so I will start right from the first moment my sexuality became a question.
    It was 1984 New Years Eve and I was 15 living in a group foster foster home for troubled youths. I and another teen headed into town to watch New Year’s Eve festivities and to get drunk.Very early into our walk into town down the far end of the long main street was a car parked outside a kebab shop. As my mate and I passed it there was an older guy, probably mid to late 20’s called us over to the car. We went and talked to him through the window and he asked if we would like to join him for a drink. He had an orange juice container and he said it had vodka, me being young and always looking for a party said yes. My mate who loved a drink strangely refused and after he tried to talk me out of it and me telling him don’t be silly we can get a free drink, he left. I got in and I remember making small talk with the guy and swigging down his alcohol thinking how lucky I was, it all seemed legit.
    Next thing I remember I started coming to and I felt a new weird sensation in my groin area. It felt wet but warm and as I was gaining consciousness it felt awesomely good. I in a confused state looked down and this guys head bobbing on my fully erect penis startled me. My pants were around my ankles and I was no longer in the mains street but a lookout on the beaches. He seemed shocked i was awake, as the drink he gave me was laced/spiked and he stopped. In my foggy hazy drugged mind I said why did you stop, he nervously looked at me and asked if I wanted him to keep going and I said YES. All I knew at the time was how good this felt, no one ever done this to me, i didn’t even think of the fact it was a man, I just wanted the pleasure to continue. This went on to a car of hoons pulled up there and he took off like a man possessed and got us out of there. He asked where I lived and I told him a house a block away and I ran through its yard and jumped fences so he didn’t know where I lived. At this stage I felt dirty, violated and like a little faggot. I had never had a desire to experiment, I was 15, popular with girls and dating lots of them but hadn’t been intimate past making out and hands wandering under clothes.
    It screwed me up as I was confused to why I asked him to keep going. I fell into a depression and withdrew. Being in a group home it had a resident youth worker and he picked up in my trauma and he made time for extra counseling time one on one. I came honest with him and his approach to me coming to terms with being sexually assaulted was to fondle me, firstly gentle stroking on the back, which I enjoyed as I came from a home where there was no physical affection, no cuddles and no father. This guy seemed caring and my back being stroked felt good. He eventually worked his way to my nipples which was heavenly and made me erect. He then rubbed my erect penis through my clothes then stopped smiling saying it was normal for boys to become turned on by touch and I shouldn’t feel ashamed. He repeated this behaviour regularly and I looked forward to my back tickles and nipple stimulation, it was all clothed and I enjoyed the affection. One weekend he cleared with the agency for me to stay at his house and he made a bed for me in a spare room. I woke in the middle of the night with a man masturbating my fully aroused penis. But when I woke he ran out of the room. He used his position and my trauma to groom me. Again I was aroused and excited and ashamed.
    To cut a long story short from then on I slept with older gay men a few times a year because I knew how good it felt…. It was my dirty secret life… I went through cycles of self hate and shame to eventually craving that heightened feeling and seeking it. I maintained heterosexual relationships through the years even a marriage, I still enjoyed sex with women but eventually craved sex with gay older males. In my 30’s my drug use escalated and I discovered chem sex and would have marathons with some guys over a weekend and eventually with the right guys the guilt wasn’t there… after 20 years of sleeping with men finally I fully enjoyed it. I even experienced a triple multiple orgasm over 3 to 4 minute period.. shook me to my core. Strangely after that I lost sexual interest in women. In my 40’s encounters with guys slowed down because I was fussy with who I chose and I was only attracted to older gay men. My boyish looks were gone and I look intimidating solid with tattoos and was quite feared in criminal circles… but in reality I desired sensual intimacy with a man. Now I am 53 single, finished yet another failed heterosexual relationship a year ago and have decided I want to transition to men only…. I don’t use drugs anymore and I feel timid to meetup with a guy. I want to fully explore things I never did like kissing etc… the guys I slept with mainly had their way with me and I just let it happen… I felt gay sex uninvited and it took years for me to accept that I like it…
    I wonder if that night never happened would I have sought out m2m pleasure. Other factors like having no father figure and the only attention I got from males were was in a sexual nature… the only affection I pretty well got from anyone was in a sexual nature.
    My life has been filled with prison, never settling in one place, feeling alienated, violence as I often protected others who I felt were defenceless, broken relationships and feeling unloved and unwanted. I have been counseled since 6 coming from a broken home and my trust of counsellors is nil.
    So at 53 the actions of those around me at 15 still effect my life… and I now believe I am gay… I have never been homophobic, always been an empath but now my intimidating looks and my age are a barrier to my sexuality being realised.
    That is my story as to how I got to this page.
     

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  2. quebec

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    Djoii.....Hello and a great big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! :old_smile: I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that night that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! We're very glad that you found us here on EC and hope that we can answer questions, give you support and provide a place to vent (as long as it's not violent!) :old_big_grin: when that becomes necessary!

    *****There are 18 different sub-forums here that you can check out and join in the conversations or start your own thread/conversation. When I first joined Empty Closets I was in need of a lot of support and encouragement and I found it here…EC is a safe place. I hope that you'll find good things here too! Folks here will talk to you and share...you don't have to be afraid of asking questions...we're glad to have you! Empty Closets is all about making connections and giving LGBT folks a voice when they otherwise don't have one in their day-to-day lives. In particular you may want to check out the forum that is titled "Sexual Orientation", there are people there who have dealt with some of the same kind of issues that could be challenging you.

    Some info on how to navigate EC:
    When you have made at least 10 posts on various threads you will be able to post messages on a member's Profile Page. Just click on a member's Avatar Picture and then click on "Profile Page" in the dialogue box that pops up. You'll then be on their Profile Page and there will be a box that says: "Write Something" When you have been on EC for a few weeks and have made at least 50 posts on various forums, you can apply for Full Membership. A Full Member can send Private Messages (PM) to other Full Members and share personal contact info. Right now you can only send a PM to a Staff Member as that is always possible. Here is a quote from the Full Membership information forum: :old_cool:

    *****To be eligible you must be a member of Empty Closets for a minimum of two weeks, and have a minimum of 50 posts. These posts must be across numerous forums (Fun & Games does not contribute to post count), and consistently posted across a minimum of two weeks. You wouldn't be eligible, for example, if you registered, had no activity for two weeks, and then returned to post 50 times on your 14th day of membership.

    *****Well, as I said, we're very glad you found us! :old_rolleyes: If you have any questions at all, you can always send me a Private Message.

    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
  3. Djoii

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    Thank you
     
  4. PrettyBoyBlue

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    Hi @Djoii, welcome to EC.

    I read your story... wow. I am so, so sorry to hear about your sexual assault and trauma. There are a lot of different people here at different stages, all walks of life, all over the world on here... I hope that something someone says here will help you like it's helped me. We also have a forum for coming out "Later In Life" as well... There are definitely people who have come out much later than yourself, and have active, healthy, dating lives.

    Thank you for sharing your story, and good luck on continuing your journey here. I wish you nothing but the best!!
     
  5. Djoii

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    T
    Thank you for taking the time to read my story…
     
  6. caden0803

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    Sorry you had to go through all that. Hope it gets better for you.
     
  7. Djoii

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    Thank you… though sexually I enjoy being with a man, no complaints about that part.
     
  8. caden0803

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    You’re welcome
     
    #8 caden0803, May 5, 2023
    Last edited: May 5, 2023
  9. 74andHome

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    Djoli welcome to EC. After reading your story and the similarities to mine it’s amazing and pretty wild. You’re in the right place. I know you’ll find the help and support you seek here and there are so many folks here who want to help in anyway they can. I remember my early childhood ‘trauma’ being quite exciting at the time. Getting back in touch with that helped me realize I was never going to think of myself as hetero again. Glad you there.
     
  10. Djoii

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    Thank you for your reply… glad to be hear… would love to hear some of your story.
     
  11. Fiera

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    First, let me say, welcome to EC. Thank you for sharing your story, it must've been hard reliving those incidents. However, I believe your story could help others in the same boat. I hope you find the love, peace, and happiness you so deserve after such painful times. Welcome again to EC.
     
  12. RejectedAt8

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    Djoii, Your story is a powerful one that will help others to feel less alone. Thank you for sharing it.

    I truly hope you are able to find relationships with other guys that make you feel fulfilled and maybe even cherished. As you should be.
     
  13. Djoii

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    Thank you kindly for your empathy and acknowledgement…… love always begins within beginning with self acceptance…once it is ignited it flows and floods all those around you ❤️
     
  14. 74andHome

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    Sorry to be so slow in responding. I’ve been out of the country for awhile and am catching up on posts at EC. My story is similar in that I was used as a sexual toy by 2 older teenagers when I was about 6-9 years old in the attic they had in a loft of the garage. To be totally honest I loved the attention. I can still see the place where it all took place. They would invite me and another friend my age to join them and when we got up there they had removed their pants. They simply said, “It’s time for you put my penis in your mouth.” We switched who we gave blow jobs to who each time we went up. That went on for 3-4 years and then one of the guys moved away and it all stopped. The memories I have of it are not of fear or being forced to do anything. I enjoyed it and always looked forward to it. Was I abused? I suppose so. When I started telling my therapist about it, she sort of freaked and wanted me to do some serios trauma work. I did but it didn’t change my mind about the experiences. I did some serious trauma work around the violence my father reigned down on me, but that’s a different story. In my teen years I dated a lot of different girls. We had fun but actually got one pregnant. We got married at 17. My drinking had gotten to be a very real problem too. The drinking became an excuse to let other men pick me and I used that excuse regularly through my 1st marriage into my early 30’s. That’s the only time I would have sex with men. Couldn’t do it sober. Forward to my early 40’s. Clean for several years, solid recovery, and married my current wife in the late 1980’s. Stuffed it all down into my consciousness somewhere and only thought about when I was looking at porn. Moving forward to my 70’s. I retired and then I had to have brain surgery 9 months later. That’s been almost a year now. When I woke up from the surgery I woke up to a new me and a new world. No more secrets, nor more BS in any form. Today I tell it like it is. It’s amazing how many people don’t much care for that. I told of couple friends and then realized I had to tell my wife so I did. I’m still working on how to tell my kids. That’s my story in a nutshell and I’m sticking to it.