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Still unsure about being gay or bi

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Silveroot, Jul 12, 2018.

  1. Silveroot

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    Hello.

    I haven't been posting anything for a while. I'm still trying to figure things out.

    To sum up a bit my previous posts, I'm a 25 year old cisfemale, who has grown into a dysfunctional family. I've done a lot of inner work by accepting my father for what he was, a sadistic psychopath and my mother who was in denial about her marriage but eventually found the courage to face the truth and get a divorce.

    I feel like I've made quite some progress in my socialization, I feel safe around most men even when I don't know them and I even have some male friends who are quite decent and interesting human beings.

    The truth is, I still can't tell if I'm bisexual or lesbian. I've ruled out the possibility of being straight since my fantasies about females are consistent and appear with frequency even in dreams in which I have no control over.

    The thing that occupies my thoughts is, that I don't seem able move forward and try to date again to see what kind of people I'm into, be it male, female or something else entirely. Part of my hesitation is that I've tried dating men in the past with whom I had nothing in common and zero chemistry on my part (even when objectively speaking I could tell they had nice faces, body tone and style). And when I find myself opening up emotionally with a man, still the sexual/romantic spark isn't there or is unclear. So in order to not lead anyone on, I've stopped dating guys -since my heart doesn't say YES to the idea of being anything more than friends with them.

    As for dating women, that's a little scary option to consider. It would mean I would have to come out and being unsure can complicate things.

    Any ideas to get past this stuck phase? I've talked about this with a couple of male friends, and I feel I still have some form of trauma to resolve but I'm unsure about how to progress.

    PS: I know going to a professional psychologist is what many of you would recommend but since I've gone this far without one, I'm confident I can handle things that surface. If you have any experience or tip that would be great!

    Thanks for reading.
     
  2. Leah061

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    Honestly, I am in the same boat as you. I mean, I'm calling myself a lesbian to see how that feels, but I'm still not completely sure how I feel about men. It's really common to be unsure of your sexuality, especially if you're not 100% gay, but still somewhere near that end of the spectrum, so know that you're not alone and that others have been where you are now.

    Knowing your sexuality is a process, and it takes time. There's no one way to get over the questioning phase, and it may be that you never have an entirely clear answer, which is okay. What has been useful for me, which might help you too, is to simply focus on what you know to be true. You say that you know you're not straight because you know how you feel about women. Try to understand that more. You say you're not sure you're ready to date women, but you can start warming up to that by imagining it in your head (also, you don't necessarily have to come out to experiment with women). Try to imagine what it would be like to be in a relationship with a woman, and know that that can be a reality for you. Don't worry about how men fit into your sexuality, that will work itself out. If you realize later that you are attracted to men, then that's fine, but feeling that way for men shouldn't be an intrusive thought you keep having when you're trying to make sense of your feelings for women. Genuine attraction is supposed to feel good.
     
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  3. Silveroot

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    I see. I used to call myself lesbian when I joined EC, but later on I started questioning that again and hard. I don't think I am alone in this, thank you for reminding me though. It's good to remember that.

    Indeed. Which is why I've stopped dating men for the time being. Initially when I met someone I could recognize as attractive, and as a non-violent, relatively nice person, I let things progress a bit, I let them kiss me or I kissed them to see if I'd feel the sparks, but that didn't happen. What did happen, is that I felt I had to try again and again because I thought I'd feel it eventually and they got excited and expected, even pressed for more. By that time I realized I wasn't into it and them and had to break up. I always felt relief afterwards but it was a very stressful ordeal for me. It also made me feel bad for giving them false hope and I honestly felt as if I was broken.

    Thank you for your suggestions. I will try visualizing a potential same-sex relationship and see how that feels. This feels quite useful, especially the part about seeing how I feel about men later on will become apparent, this is something that I feel will unfold naturally over time.

    Thoughts about men can be intrusive, because men do seem to like me, and this can be awkward. But the no date policy makes me feel a lot more relaxed, without having to give any other explanation about orientation. I just admit I'm not into a space where I want to start dating. It is honest without being too personal, rude or a a cop put.
     
    #3 Silveroot, Jul 12, 2018
    Last edited: Jul 12, 2018
  4. Love4Ever

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    Hi there! I understand about not wanting to go to a psychologist. I deal with anxiety and would not feel comfortable going to a psychologist either. I have always dealt with my personal things on my own in private. I know it requires a lot of strength though to do that. I think you should do what you feel comfortable with and move slowly. I struggle at intimacy with men too. I have never met a man outside my own family that I felt close with, despite the fact I have no problem fantasizing about men and have fallen in love with many fictional characters/celebrities before. Real men I just feel like in my very limited experience I have just struck out with. I am still on the hunt for the man who fulfills my physical and emotional needs. It takes time. But if you find a woman who makes you happy why not date her? Coming out is not always easy but you don't necessarily have to right away, and if you don you don't need to label your feelings. Just go with what you want. :slight_smile:
     
  5. Love4Ever

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    Please don't feel bad. It sounds like you weren't leading anyone on intentionally. It's okay to be confused or uncertain, even straight people try things out and don't always get it right the first time. It's good you were honest with yourself and these men and broke it off when you weren't feeling it. That does not make you broken. I honestly have a guy who I think might like me now and my parents like but I just don't feel that way about him and I have to be honest about that. So right now we're friends and if he wants to be be more I will politely turn him down. He's nice but he's not for me, and I don't believe in forcing something that is not meant to be. Trust your gut always. You will know when it's right whether man or woman.
     
    #5 Love4Ever, Jul 12, 2018
    Last edited: Jul 12, 2018
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  6. Silveroot

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    Thank you for sharing your experiences. I don't feel stress about going to a psychologist, I've gone to some before. In my personal experience, they can help bring things to the surface but they can't do the work you have to do yourself.

    It's not that I struggle with intimacy with men as far as I can tell. It's more that the feelings, the tingles, the excitement, the fun part that makes someone want to pursue and maintain a romantic and/or sexual relationship are not there for me. Quite frankly, after the third date things went awry. I got bored and eventually decided to end it. Sometimes I got angry at myself and sometimes at them. It was a mix of confusion, anger, sadness and relief once I stopped dating them. I wanted to be like every other woman. I felt like a failure for not being carried away in kissing them and holding hands and I thought I was deeply problematic for that. Truth is, at the time I was struggling with many family issues so the last thing I wanted was to add more pressure to my life.

    Anyway, I'm not in the same place mentally or emotionally, however I still don't feel the need I see people feeling for a relationship. Heck, I barely notice attractive men when I'm outside. I see one attractive male face like every 6 months, or once a year and I still don't yearn to get to know them or do anything. Which is why the bisexual label doesn't suit me very well.

    Yes, I know, I wasn't doing anything on purpose. But they did end up feeling like I wasted their time and sometimes they told me they felt that way. I don't feel like wasting anyone's time anymore.

    Thank you for your kind words. I'll follow my heart and see where it takes me.

    Best wishes to you too.
     
  7. Love4Ever

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    I relate to this part. I have gotten bored with the men I've met too. I haven't felt the spark yet with one. I think a lot of it has to do with I have little in common with the average guy my age and I feel more comfortable with other women. I do see many I find very attractive though. But I need something more than that to make me want to stay.