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Still struggling

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Engdood1, Nov 24, 2021.

  1. Engdood1

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    Well, I am now divorced and single again. No one knows about my homosexual attractions and I began to slowly dip my toe in the water. I set my preferences on a dating app to ‘everyone’ for a little while and matched a cute guy that I talked to for a while. I got cold feet though and deleted him and changed my preferences again. I met a girl and we started a physical relationship which was good except for the sex part. I could not get hard. We did have some success but it was dependent on how well I could picture her as a guy. I’m finding it so hard to accept my attractions when out in the real world. When I’m alone I can recognise that I have not looked at a picture of a woman and become aroused in at least 6 years but do that looking at a male model on instagram almost every day. I am almost certainly gay but to act on that feels like a massive step that I’m scared to take, despite how exciting it would be. I don’t really have a question, I suppose I’m just wondering if anyone else can relate to coming out to oneself but feeling paralysed on the next steps?
     
  2. Contented

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    It sounds like you are struggling with internalized homophobia. Many of us have struggled similarly as we can to terms with being gay. That you can only get hard thinking about a guy is certainly a key indicator that your gay. Take your time perhaps find a LGBT skilled therapist to help you sort things out. EC is also a great resource.
     
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  3. out2019

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    Yes I went through this, and most guys who came out later in life went through it as well. This may sound scary but the more you accept yourself as gay the more those 'attractions' to women fade - at least that's been the case for me and dozens of guys on this forum who could have written the above post.

    When you're alone = no outside pressure. Looking back I think I was so 'scared' about being gay that I would freeze up in public (oh if I glance at that guy, someone is going to find out I am gay!

    Based on your above post - if you were reading it about someone else - does this sound like anything but someone who is gay?

    Yes it does sound that way. Baggage aside, what others think aside, how does that feel to accept?

    Take baby steps. That is the consistent advice on this forum - too often we think we have to do it all at once one massive step: come out to everyone we know, start dating, change sexuality on social media, announce on Facebook.

    Imagine would have felt like to meet that cute guy? Baggage aside, if you didn't have to worry about what friends and family thought, what would you do now?

    I would say just about every guy who came out later in life went through some version of this. We all spent years rationalizing, repressing and denying our sexuality.

    And I agree with @Contented a therapist might be a big help!
     
    #3 out2019, Nov 24, 2021
    Last edited: Nov 24, 2021
  4. Contented

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    This absolutely true. In my case as I became more comfortable with my same sex attraction my attraction to women faded rather quickly. Followed very quickly by losing the ability to be intimate with a woman. Rather than being upset I saw at it as being liberated from the pretense of heterosexuality and reinforcing the fact I was gay. I haven’t looked at a woman and had a sexual thought in years. I think you going through what many of us do as we journey towards our true sexual identity. The journey is not always easy for those of us who embrace being gay later in life but the result is worth the trip. Living honestly and openly as a gay man has been worth it in more ways than I could ever list. You only have one life, you have an obligation to live it in a way that makes you happy and complete. If that means in your case with another man, go for it. Embrace the real you. Reach out anytime if you need a sounding board. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. Good luck.
     
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  5. Engdood1

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    Thanks for your responses. I am starting to accept that at least sexually I am exclusively attracted to men. That feels like a big thing for me to accept but might not seem that big of a deal to others. I would like to keep progressing, perhaps with a down low relationship at first or even just fwb at first. Again thanks for your support here.
     
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  6. Engdood1

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    Well I can say that I WANTED to meet up with him. I WANTED to have sec with him and fantasised about it for a while. Some level of guilt or repression made me delete him and not go through with it. If there was no outside judgment from family or friends I would certainly have done it. Hard thing to wrap my head around.
     
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  7. out2019

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    I remember when I first came here and was in denial and used the 'I look at women' 'defense'. Someone replied 'that will pass' - I remember being terrified that would happen but deep down I knew he was right. Then one day I was surprised to find I felt relieved I didn't 'have to' look at women anymore and I realized how much I was subconsciously forcing myself to look to 'prove' I wasn't gay.

    I think it is a big deal for most of us who repressed our sexuality and spent years making up excuses (it's a kink, it's a fantasy). My hands were literally shaking when I came here and typed "I think I might be gay"...when I changed my orientation on this (anonymous) forum, I was shaking as well, but after, you know what, it felt liberating!

    I know we have to live in 'the real world' but it sounds to me like baggage aside, you know you are gay. I am not saying it's easy but imagine that cute guy turned into a romance, wouldn't it be worth it?
    At some point along the continuum of acceptance, I realized I was never going to feel that way about women, so while there was no guarantee of finding a relationship with a guy, remaining in denial assured I would never find true intimacy with someone.
     
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  8. Contented

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    Again this is exactly how I felt. After the first time I was sexually intimate with another man I knew I could never feel that emotional and sexual connection with a woman. I became a gay man that day. It just took a little time to embrace it.
     
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  9. Robyn mac

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    For me it was an easy decision. A discussion with my girlfriend about it and she helped me on my way to being bi. She had passed away just over a year ago and I have been gay ever since.
    My 1st sexual encounter with another male was a big WOW moment. I could'nt believe what I was missing out on all these years.
     
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  10. Contented

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    I second that thought. After having been intimate with another man I realized what I had been missing in my life. That Aha moment was so rich with sexuality and emotion. Totally embracing being gay made so much sense. I really don’t know how I survived all those years in a straight relationship. For me gay is so so much better absolutely no comparison on any level.
     
  11. Engdood1

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    Thanks for the responses. I would say I’m almost worried that I will have the same experience. The one encounter I had with a man where I wasn’t blackout drunk I was so keyed up I was shaking all over. I have only ever ‘finished’ from oral sex once or twice before in my life, it just doesn’t do it for me. With this guy though I came after maybe 20 seconds, albeit after a lot of foreplay.