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Still not making progress

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Dave3030, Mar 21, 2021.

  1. Dave3030

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    I’ve posted on here a fair amount of times over the last few years.

    To summarise, I’m in my late 20s, not ‘out’, financially dependent on parents and have no friends.

    There are two guys I’ve spoke to in the past, one who I met and felt I was getting close to, and ended up messing things up with both of them due to my situation.

    I have tried, tried and tried again to find a way to get my own place, but circumstances won’t allow.

    I just want someone to be my friend. I think deep down I’d like more, but I feel I’ve programmed my brain to feel that’s impossible now.

    I don’t know why, probably loneliness, but I ended up speaking to another guy on an app. He wants to speak off the app, which I’d love to do. But I don’t want to mess up another chance of possibly making a friend. But I’m so scared of my parents finding out about my sexuality, I know it’s inevitable I will once again do so.

    I can’t ever bring myself to say ‘I’ve made a friend’, as I worry they’ll guess. I’ve even got to the point now where the idea of me having a friend doesn’t seem right in my mind. I’ve been lonely for so long.

    I can’t upset my parents as they’ve both got physical health issues. But I just don’t know how I move on...
     
  2. BiGemini87

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    While the lack of financial independence is worrying (in the sense that if they find out, you might be left high and dry), ultimately I'd say you need to live your own life. You're not a child anymore, and regardless of the fact that you're stuck living with your parents, they shouldn't have any real control over your life. Nor should you be afraid to tell them because of their health complications--there is nothing wrong with you, you are exactly as you are meant to be. If they have some sort of adverse reaction, that's because there's something wrong with them.

    I don't know (or at least, I don't recall) your whole story; but if your fears are justified (i.e. your parents have said or done some things to make you believe their negative reactions are a possibility--even just in simply having a friend) then I don't know what to tell you. I'd say "get out while you can", but if circumstances aren't allowing that, it's a tricky situation.

    Ultimately, you have to decide for yourself if it's worth being miserable. Or you can risk it and just allow yourself to be happy, even if only in friendship. You can't live your life for others; we only get the one as far as we know. You gotta do what's right for you, even if it's scary.
     
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  3. QuietPeace

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    @BiGemini87 said everything that I wish I had been able to say and she said it better than I ever could.
     
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  4. Dave3030

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    Thanks for the responses.

    It’s really hard, I know my situation probably sounds crazy to outsiders. I just feel the chances are slipping away from me now, but as the years have gone on I’m just more scared to change things.

    If I could move out, I’d be gone tomorrow.

    I really want to add this guy on social media as he asked me to so we could chat. But I don’t want to get another guys hopes up and then get too scared to meet up.
     
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  5. QuietPeace

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    If you are honest with him from the beginning that you only want to get to know him as a friend (at least at first) then he has no cause to be upset if you do not meet up. It is always best to get to know someone first anyway, also safer.
     
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  6. SevnButton

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    Hi @Dave3030 -
    I get it, you are in a difficult situation. I don't see any quick fix, but I see reasons for a lot of hope. First, you're reaching out here. There are lots of people here who have felt the same things you're feeling. Please keep posting, and respond to other people's threads too. In this community there are people who understand. And you you surely understand some of the things other people are facing.
    Next, you recognize your predicament. You see the problems and you feel the dissatisfaction. The really important thing for you, in my opinion, is to keep facing the right direction, and take those steps here and there that move you in that direction. It takes time, but those little steps eventually add up to big progress. Those little steps can be as simple as exchanging a few extra words with the cashier at the grocery store, or saying to a stranger on the street, "Lovely day today, isn't it?". Of course, be safe. Just keep facing the right direction.
    I wonder how many people reading your thread here know the fear of befriending someone, thinking you'll be perceived as gay.
    I'm cheering for you, Dave3030. Good luck!

    =Sevn
     
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  7. Dave3030

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    The thing I find hardest is if I did meet up with someone, how I tell them I’ve met them.

    Obviously I know everyone on here will think I don’t need to explain to my parents, but they’ll ask and ask questions, and I can’t deal with the stress.
     
  8. Lesbee

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    @Dave3030 Maybe you could just say you met them on "social media" or just "online"? Most parents I know aren't on social media much and wouldn't ask further questions. Most likely they'd only be asking to make small talk and don't really care about the answer anyway -- I think we just make things into much bigger issues than they are. Yes it's true, you don't owe anyone an explanation, but I am in a similar boat -- I'm planning to come out to my evangelical father this weekend and have tried to plan a response to any question he might raise. I'm going to practice a conversation with a friend (which you can do here with us!) but ultimately just trust in my ability to follow my heart in the moment. Do you meditate or have another calming practice of some sort?
     
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  9. LostInDaydreams

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    Hi @Dave3030,

    I’m sorry that you’re still in this situation. This reminds me of how I felt when I was still living with my ex and it was a horrible situation.

    Coronavirus restrictions aside, do you generally leave the house much? So, do you go out for a walk, cycle or run every day? Or do you go work or go out for shopping? As restrictions lift, could you start going out more? Even just on your own to visit places. If your parents got used to you going out more often, perhaps they be less inclined ask too many questions?
     
  10. Dave3030

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    Thanks for your response @LostInDaydreams. I do go out for walks and to the shops, but more often than not they’ll say they’re coming too.
     
    #10 Dave3030, Mar 29, 2021
    Last edited: Mar 29, 2021
  11. chicodeoro

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    That does sound crazy, Dave3030. More than anything it sounds like you need space, to be yourself, to be your own independent person. My own mother had a nervous breakdown in her mid 30s, largely because she at that stage of her life she was sacrificing her own happiness to her mother. She lived with her and had no other real friends and felt obliged, really, to stay with her and make sure she was 'ok'. At some considerable cost to herself.

    So the question is how do you break free? Do you have a job? Would you be able to save up for a deposit on your own place, or even a room in a shared place?

    Beth
     
  12. Dave3030

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    Thanks for the response Beth. The answer to both your last two questions is no.

    I’ve been messaging the guy I’ve been speaking to this evening, and he’s suggested going for a drink. Very hard to know what to do...
     
  13. chicodeoro

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    You should go. At the very least you might make a friend.
     
  14. Patrick7269

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    Hi Dave3030,

    The previous folks have said this so well. You can and should have your own life, and you alone can find out what’s right for you.

    To add just a little bit to the previous posts, your 20s are a time when you begin your life journey as a fully-fledged, independent adult. Unfortunately you are encountering a pandemic as you do this, but nonetheless this is your time to begin to create your life. Yes, you may not be as financially independent as you would like, but that should not inhibit you from meeting people and exploring yourself.

    In a few decades, or even just a few years, you may look back and find that this was a pivotal time in your life. I remember my 20s as being a setback and then a giant leap forward in my career, a realization of how I like to have relationships and sex on my own terms, a pursuit of getting emotionally and physically fit, and the beginning of my wonder about God and spirituality. Whoa!

    So whatever you “should” or “should not” be doing right now, just give yourself permission to try. And permission to make mistakes, and to start again if needed. You’re going to look back with a lot of gratitude for this time in your life as long as you step out and begin your journey. It’s a big time, so good luck! Of course we’re all here to support you.

    Patrick
     
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  15. LostInDaydreams

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    That’s frustrating and must be really draining.

    What would happen if you said you wanted some space or time alone? Do they ever stop you from going out?
     
  16. Dave3030

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    No, but they’d be very suspicious. Though not as suspicious as they’d be if I said I had made a friend.

    I don’t know what to do, I know it’s not right that I can’t say I’m meeting a friend for a drink at my age. But I genuinely feel scared to do so. I know the opportunities will run out eventually.
     
  17. LostInDaydreams

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    Is there any part of you that thinks it possibly not be as bad as you’re imagining?

    Out of interest, do you have siblings? If so, are/were they treated the same way?
     
  18. Dave3030

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    Unfortunately not.

    Yes, and yes to an extent. But they’ve had very different lives to myself, so have had considerable more freedom.
     
    #18 Dave3030, Mar 30, 2021
    Last edited: Mar 30, 2021
  19. LostInDaydreams

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    Would your sibling(s) understand if you reached out to them? Could you stay with them for a short time until you found a place of your own?
     
  20. Dave3030

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    No. One of them would be even more suspicious of me having a friend than my parents would.

    Ultimately, if I had made a friend (acquaintance being the better word) in a different situation there would be less of an issue. I can’t deal with their questions of where I’ve met this friend. There aren’t exactly many apps for making friends if I say it were online - I feel it won’t be too hard for them to work out something doesn’t add up.

    If they worked out my sexuality, I might as well not be here any more, as I couldn’t deal with it.