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Still Lost

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Tai, Nov 1, 2015.

  1. Tai

    Tai
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    What do you call someone who:

    Has a gender expression that is generally masculine (and sometimes androgynous)

    Wants a more masculine body (only deeper voice and sharper features if they could pick and choose with T) to be perceived as male by society (and for their own body dysphoria)

    Always has been fit and proud of their strength, works out 5-6 days a week, and this has lessened dysphoria because of how masculine their female body is

    Has hand, shoulder, height, hip/waist, and butt dysphoria (despite working out, they're all too feminine)

    Experiences less of breast dysphoria (dulls down to little or none) when spending time with their partner

    Only has bottom dysphoria during menstrual period and sexual situations (during sexual situations, they sometimes wish they had both types of genitals??)

    Was very dramatic and felt like the world would end when female puberty came

    Wants top surgery and no bottom surgery (although there seems to be something missing down there), and wants to be called by male pronouns

    Can relate to both females' and males' way of thinking, depending on what the situation is (either one or the other, usually)

    Wants to change their name to a gender neutral name

    Has had many experiences that might make them recoil at the thought of being female or feminine such as: being forced to wear "cute" dresses, skirts, matching shoes, frilly things, etc. when they hated it all during the time of elementary school; coming from a country where misogyny is much more prevalent and women are undervalued compared to men way more than the US; and a traumatic event which happened right after birth, so they have no memories of it but the initial reactions of the psyche are still impacted. This in particular causes a lot of doubt towards being sure of what their identity is, because gender identity is supposed to be something set in stone at birth, not influenced by any experiences in life (yet their counselor still thinks these may have something to do with their "phantom transgender feelings")

    As a young child, was very androgynous (in way of thinking) but still had many stereotypical feminine traits, such as being timid, delicate, loved "being a princess," and did stereotypically feminine activities such as had tea parties, all-girl slumber parties, etc.

    Never questioned their gender as a young child because they just did what they were told, and they were told that they were a girl

    Online characters were always female because they never even thought about the possibility of being the opposite of what they were told they were in real life

    Always was jealous of tomboys and would strive to be more boyish than the "other girls" as if proving my masculinity

    Despite doing feminine activities mentioned above, when they grew up into a teenager they never understood the point of those feminine activities and felt no interest in them, never got excited about the things girls did like make-up, fashion, etc.

    Has had a smoother relationship with father than with mother

    Always felt that being a girl was not the desired gender of anyone and thought that all girls felt like me (in wishing from deep within our hearts we would get male bodies somehow)

    Has no idea what their innate gender identity is, but knows it probably doesn't match up to the gender expression which is blatantly male

    Not sure why I did this post in third person, but yes, this is me; and after a year and a half of struggling to find out who I am, I don't feel like I am any closer to a conclusion than when I started. Sometimes I feel at my wit's end. Thoughts and other comments are appreciated a lot. Sorry for the length of the post.
     
  2. Oddsocks

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    I would call you whatever you're comfortable being called, but if you want label suggestions my first thought is "transmasculine". It's a pretty broad, vague label that a lot of people with similar experiences to you use: identifying as not strictly binary trans male, but something in that general direction.

    There's also the even vaguer 'non-binary', if you want a less fine point to put on it. It can be combo'd with other things (ex. non-binary trans man) as a modifier, if that's something that works for you.

    If you still struggle to find a label you're comfortable after I've (and the inevitable other repliers) thrown these suggestions around, it's worth remembering that there is no perfect label sometimes. Even if there's no one perfect descriptor, you've described your experience here and sometimes a description does a better job than a one-word descriptor can.

    That's my two cents, anyway!
     
  3. Matto_Corvo

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    A non-binary trans man perhaps?
    Also, very similar to me.
     
  4. ThatOneAlien

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    Both the above suggestions are good, transmasculine is more general. That's what I've been going with since I'm not really sure either. I would try not to get too hung up on labels though, it can be really hard to figure out a specific one. And when I try, I have a habit of over-analyzing things so I start thinking about what makes me more or less "male" and I wind up getting paranoid and start doubting that I'm even trans in the first place. Anyway, I enjoyed reading about your experiences, they seem quite similar to mine.
     
  5. Tai

    Tai
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    Thanks for the comments! I really appreciate it. Any more are welcome, too.
     
  6. wanderinggirl

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    It's awesome that you acknowledge that you identify with both male and female ways of thinking; you'll often find that they're not very different and they're both human! :slight_smile:

    I hear of many stories of masculine-of-center folk transitioning inch by inch until they settle where they feel comfortable, while some people can't wait to go all the way top/bottom surgery and hormones and identifying full-time as male. Pick a pace, and an endpoint, that's right for you. It doesn't have to be instantaneous, especially if you feel like you identify with femininity to some small extent.
     
  7. Tai

    Tai
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    Thank you for your input, wanderinggirl! I have been doing that, starting with not shaving my legs, then my new masculine clothes, going to my haircut, and now, I'm trying to change my name. They haven't been too fast, the changes. My main problem is my label; telling from your signature, you don't like labels, but for me my gender label is important. I think mostly why I'm afraid of not being a strictly binary male or female is that I don't know what I want people to call me; a boy or a girl? Are they going to misgender me? Those kind of social worries. Otherwise, I wouldn't worry about my label at all (I don't for sexuality, anyways).

    Anyone else?
     
    #7 Tai, Nov 3, 2015
    Last edited: Nov 3, 2015
  8. Matto_Corvo

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    Also because it's easier to be a binary gender. People tend not to understand non-binary genders.
     
  9. Tai

    Tai
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    Very true.

    I also remembered as a child, loving the book "The Breadwinner." It's about an Afghani girl who has to dress as a boy to make money for her family, while their whole town is ruled by the Taliban. I remember the cross dressing appealing to me immensely, and I never questioned it. That's one of the main reasons I was interested in the book, honestly. I also felt yearnings to be like the girl in the book, and I envied her for being seen as a boy. There were some other books I read as a kid which involved stealth as the other sex and they were always some of the most interesting, to me.
     
  10. Matto_Corvo

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    Same for me. I always wanted to be like the tboy's who hung out with boys and dressed in boy's clothing. In whenever I was around them I always tried to out .an them. I had to prove that me being feminine did not mean I wasn't unmanly.
    Then as I got older I tried to be like the girly girls but I never seen to understand how. I wasn't like them and I wasn't like the tomboys. I was like the feminine boys of my class except my body and society said girl and I never thought to question it.
    Now I look at trans men a few years into their transition and there is this jealousy that burns within. I want to be look like they do, my masculinity shown through my male apperaning body while my actions express my feminity. Its that almost perfect blend I long for. But then I think of society and how they see things, and the doubts pour in.
    Sorry, didn't mean to make this bout me. I just feel I can relate to you a lot. We tend to be similar in how we experience things.
     
  11. Tai

    Tai
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    Don't worry about it, it's good to see that we can relate. Makes me feel like maybe I'm not as crazy as I thought, haha. I am very jealous of transitioned trans guys too, although when I think about T I'm not sure I want to go on it. I know I want top surgery, though.
     
  12. Matto_Corvo

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    T is probably something I will do, top surgery is something I am iffy about but will most likely get as well. I don't want to have this chest but at the same time surgery and pain scare me CD I'm a big baby.

    I do not believe you are crazy. I believe that you are having to grow more.comfortable with the person you are slowly bit by bit. For some of us change is best brought slowly. And each of us have different needs when it comes to transitioning and labels.
     
  13. Tai

    Tai
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    I'm also a baby, but when it comes to needles. Can't imagine myself injecting the T...

    Thanks, I think I'm definitely starting to get more comfortable. For a while, considering being non-binary completely turned me off from discovering anything else, I think.
     
  14. Matto_Corvo

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    Oh god yes the needles lol. I don't have a fear of needles, I give a dog insulting shots twice a day, but the thought of stabbing myself -shudders- I can just imagine asking my older brother to do it and him telling me to man up, if he can give himself insulin shots multiple times a day then i can do this bimonthly thing. It probably gets easier with time.