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Still living at home (post coming out), and dealing with family.

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by TanMan, Mar 20, 2017.

  1. TanMan

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    As some know from my previous posting, I came out to my parents back in November. My parents are the "traditional conservation Christian" parents. They love me unconditionally, but just cant accept that I'm gay mainly due to the part of God and my "salvation". They will never disown me (but their actions sometimes say otherwise), and will continue to let me live at home and pay for my schooling (nursing). I am very fortunate to have parents that truly love me (I kind of have trouble understanding the "love" part for how they sometimes treat me-- ill explain below).

    Now I am 23, and its tough still living at home especially at that age. Right now, I just don't have the funds to move out because I wouldn't be able to do nursing school and work at the same time. Nursing is what I really want to do, and i really need all the financial support I can get.

    Aside from all of that, I'm just having small issues with my parents (and younger brother). As I have said, my parents love me, but they say and do things that say otherwise. Recently I have gotten into Rupauls Drag race. Amazon Prime currently has season 5, 6, and 7 for free so I was able to watch those without my parents knowing. But with the new season coming on, the Logo channel is currently have a marathon of all the seasons. The only way i can watch them is if I record them all using the family DVR (and to be honest, I'm not going to spend $25 a season to watch them, when I can watch them for free lol).

    My parents are not very happy, because they do not like it at all. According to my mom, my dad told her to delete them all, but thankfully my mom didn't. However, my mom keeps saying that she doesn't want the junk on their TV. Now i know it doesn't seem like much (or that I'm over-reacting), but its just the tiny little things that make me feel less than who I am. My younger brother keeps telling me that I'm doing it for attention, and those comments are really getting to me.

    I just don't know how to deal with all this, because its all getting to me. It is seriously making me want to shut down. Over the years of dealing with being gay (more like trying to repress it and hide it), i did shut down. I turned into a person who always cares what people think. I cant even be in public and around friends/co workers without coming off as socially awkward. I guess I'm just scared that whenever I talk, my voice will "sound gay," and i shouldn't let it bother me but i do let it. I often tend to come shy of words, so i don't say much.. Or i say something stupid, which then makes me shut down even more.

    Can i just ask you guys something? For anyone who has been in my shoes (I know that a lot of the LGBT community can feel the same as others because coming out can sometimes be similar for some), did it get better when you got away from your family and moved out? I just don't know how much more of living with family that i can take. I want to be myself, but i just cant living at home. I'm scared of being myself because I'm more ashamed of what my parents think of me.

    Sorry for venting, but I'm just in so much pain. I need to move out, but i just cant at the moment because of school and not being able to be financially independent with both. If i decided to give up on nursing, i could possibly move out now, but nursing is my dream and i cannot give up on that.

    Thanks for listening :slight_smile:
     
  2. Raydar0110

    Regular Member

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    Hi,
    Im typing this on my phone so sorry for any horrible spelling mistakes I hate small keyboards.
    I think that the best thing you could do is sit your parents down and just explain how you feel. I have not had to deal with mine yet as I have not come out to them and I strongly believe they would accept me.

    In my oppinon, you need to talk to them one one one so you can see what their true feeling about it. As they are christian you could go down the line of pointing out that the bible also condems the eating of shelfish and mixing of fabrics as much as it does homosexuality but when I have said this to people they take no notice. It also depends on how confident you are in confronting them.

    Another option is to say how you cant help who you are and that it is a big part of you that they need to accept. Say how all of the small things that they do buiod up and make you feel like they dont accept you.

    Finnaly, being gay is ok. Walk talk dress as "gay" as you want. I found when coming out I needed to say "I am gay" as many times as I could just to get it into my head. I knew I liked guys but still wasnt comfortable with the thought. If you let your parents supress you it will build up and eventually cause major problems.

    I know its hard and it may take time but standing up to them is the best thing you can do aslong as you are sure they wont kick you out.

    Hope it goes ok, whatever you decide to do.
     
  3. Monraffe

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    At first I thought you were just being selfish but when you mentioned Rupaul...okay, I can see why you needed to record that, but I think you are making a mistake when you say their actions sometimes say "otherwise" (when it comes to how much they love you). Dude, do you even realize what your being gay is doing to them? They have this totally messed up view of "normal" and you definitely are not in that space. Don't sweat it, it's not at all your fault. You want to repress and shut down, yeah, yeah, that sucks and all, but I mean would it kill you to throw them a bone now and then? I'm sorry, I sound like I'm not on your side and I am totally on your side, but this is really, really, hard for them too. They know, BELIEVE me they know, that you are going to move out as soon as you graduate from nursing school and become the biggest, phatest gay queen ever to graduate from your home town, but they will always love you and they will always have their values because they can't help themselves on either point. If you take the time to let the know now, while you are still under their roof, that you respect them and their values, even though you don't agree with them...well that would simply be a good way to show them that you love them too.
     
  4. AlexJames

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    So all their doing is stuff like not wanting you to watch the drag race show and your brother's being rude? They're still letting you live there AND they're still paying for your college? Sorry man but they're being very loving just in doing that!!! My mom insults me and yells at me for everything and if she knew i was gay i'd be kicked out right then and there. She's conservative christian and even though dad's not and dad pays the bills he will never stand up to her. Throw them a bone. Watch an episode and then delete it. Compromise, learn how to compromise and, in general, deal with people who are less than 100% accepting of you. Use the experience to your advantage. Because as you've pointed out, you aren't in a position to move out yet. And i would not move out yet if its just small stuff like that that's making you wanna move out. If they were being homophobic and verbally abusive and shit that's one thing, but you've said nothing of the sort. They aren't being over the top. So my advice isn't really welcome - stay at home, learn how to deal with it in a positive manner as a family, and use the situation to your advantage and your own personal growth. (Sidenote: LOL this describes how i got through soooo many highschool classes. Especially math class that one year with the elderly lady who complained all the time that she couldn't retire yet and spent half the class yelling at the kids...) You can't change their thinking - you can't and they don't deserve that either with how nice they're being.
     
    #4 AlexJames, Mar 21, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 21, 2017
  5. TanMan

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    No, its not just as simple as them not wanting me to watch. They have agreed now to let me watch it, but it's the ACT of how they are reacting to it... acting like it isn't normal, and less than human. In previous posts, I mentioned how my dad doesn't like me on this website, because he thinks "the gays" are brainwashing me. It's much farther than me being immature because "they won't let me watch a tv show." Lunar, you completely took my thread, and turned it upside down.

    I know it may sound like I'm overreacting, but it's the way my parents are reacting to anything gay. I personally feel like I have dissapointed them, and that has been the hardest thing for me to deal with. I understand they are dealing with this too, but by their comments, it makes me feel like I'm dissapointing them, and that I'm less than human. Or that it feels like they think I am intentionally going against god, etc.