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still coming out fears

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Cashew, Jun 9, 2020.

  1. Cashew

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    Hi everyone,

    I haven't posted on here for quite some time. I am mostly out to everyone and have been for a few years now. I have been dating, embracing myself as a queer person and have no problem telling new people that I meet that I am gay. There are a few close friends however that I still haven't told and some of my extended family who I haven't told either. This is mainly because with friends they were not living in the same place as me so I kind of forgot to and also they live quite traditional lives so I guess I am a wee bit worried about their judgements. I also have not told some extended family because to be frank I couldn't be bothered. Coming out is emotionally exhausting and I know a lot of people so I just eventually got a bit pee'd off and thought - why should I? They don't need to tell me they are heterosexual- and I couldn't be bothered with them reacting to how late I came out (in my 30's) and I kind of know one of them definitely will react like this because she is that kind of person, so I just put a lid on it around them even though we are quite close.
    Anyway, I am now in this position where I have an opportunity to participate in some online Pride celebrations where I would be performing. I really want to participate in this but part of me is thinking not to do it even though it would be an amazing opportunity, only for the reason that all these people would find out. I know it's really terrible and I should just be free and do what I want but I know that if I do it I will have to advertise on social media, my friends and family will find out and I don't know why I still feel uncomfortable about that these people knowing. I guess it's because all of these people are very heterosexual. They mostly hang around in heterosexual circles. I am in fact the only cousin (out of my many cousins) who is LGBT+ (as far as I know)... I don't know why but I have a real bee in my bonnet about taking so long to realise I was gay and accepting it ( I started coming out early to mid 30's). I've even heard a few close family and friends commenting on that fact which was also hurtful to me.
    I know I'm ridiculous focussing on this. I think also because of the current situation with lockdown etc I have been thinking about it too much and it has been getting me down. I wish I could just be strong and not give a dam what people think and just let people think what they want but it's still affecting me and getting me down.
     
    #1 Cashew, Jun 9, 2020
    Last edited: Jun 9, 2020
  2. Really

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    That’s really tough. My sympathies. A couple of questions.

    Would your family necessarily be signing in to the online Pride event? How would they know you’re performing? Also, if you’re a performer, couldn’t this just be another gig for you? Would they automatically jump to the conclusion that you’re gay because you’ve got a job at this event? If they’re so heterosexual, they might still need something explicit. Unfortunately. :|

    You shouldn’t worry about how long it’s taken you. That’s really nobody’s business but your own. If anyone questions you about it, you could always say, “Just because you’re learning about this today doesn’t mean I am.”

    I say do it. You sound like you’d really enjoy it and I don’t think we should let others take our joy. Especially now.
     
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  3. Nic2552

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    What’s making you so uncomfortable? Are you ashamed because your the only one in the family that you know of I’d lgbt+ but then again not ashamed because besides everyone knowing your content? When did you realize you were gay?
     
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  4. Cashew

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    Thanks for your response. No well it's actually on the radio and yes usually they do usually listen in to my performances, they are generally a very supportive tight knit family. That is also very good point, they may not necessarily jump to that conclusion.
    I would be advertising it on social media which most of them are on so they would definitely find out.

    I know I shouldn't worry about how long it's taken me. It's something I can't seem to let go of. It's just the response I've had from people... 'why did it take you so long' etc. On dates with other queer people I find myself but lying about how many relationships Ive been in and with.... I don't know I feel like it makes me invalid or something in the community. Sometimes I feel like I don't belong in any community. It is quite lonely sometimes.
     
  5. Cashew

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    I realised I was gay at the end of my twenties. I'm not attracted to very many people so it was never something that I had suppressed a lot until my mid twenties when I started becoming aware of being attracted to women. I'm a bit of an anomaly really.
    I don't know why I'm ashamed. I guess maybe because everyone else has figured themselves out by now, they are all adults have kids, and prior to that had multiple relationships. I'm now exploring and I'm about twenty years behind everyone else. I know it's different for me but I still feel ashamed and I know that they wont understand and like my parents they won't try to understand. They will make quick judgements about me and I care an awful lot about what people think of me (it's not something I'm proud of).
     
  6. Really

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    So, this is from lgbt people you’re getting this flack?? Disgraceful. What do you usually say back? How about, “What difference does it make?”? Seriously, you’re here now and that’s all that should matter. I think you should just embrace it. You’re out and willing to meet people as they are so you deserve the same courtesy.

    I think for straight people it’s an honest question because they simply can’t fathom what it’s like to go through everything. Wondering why you feel different from everyone else, figuring it out, worrying about how others will react, steeling your nerves to come out, etc. Don’t be ashamed. Everyone does this in their own time and different factors can make it easier or harder for each individual. If your family asks why it took so long, you could reply that it’s not as easy as it looks and then go into it more detail if you feel like it and/or they have more questions. Depending on how comfortable you are at the time.

    If you feel like you’re generally ready to come out to them, maybe this is a good way. I’d say just do the gig with the knowledge that it could out you but you’ll be fine. As you said, you’re a tight knit family and I’ll bet they’ll also be just fine. Or oblivious. ;]
     
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  7. Cashew

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    Yes it was from a few people I dated. They were a good bit younger than me so I'm putting it down to immaturity (?!)

    That is a good way to respond -thanks. I'll have to write a down somewhere as I'm totally rubbish at remembering things when I am put on the spot!

    Yes I decided am going to do the gig I have decided. I do have one friend who is really quite close and I know I need to tell her... every day I think of messaging her but keep putting it off...... I want to tell her before the show airs. You know that there are some people that you think you should really tell directly, as she has been very good to me as a friend, we just haven't been in the same place at the same time very much in the last few years.

    Thanks so much for responding to me. I think I just needed to air my thoughts somewhere, stop me from going crazing overthinking things!
     
  8. Really

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    No worries! It always helps to get things out. :}
    Have a great gig and good luck with your friend. I’m sure it’ll all be great. :gay_pride_flag::musical_score: