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Still can't 'get off' on women in fantasy - maybe I'm not Bi?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Damien, Aug 19, 2014.

  1. Damien

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    I know all the usual responses, having given them to others myself over the last few months here. "No need to label yourself, just go with whatever your natural inclination is in the present moment". Well, just when my sex drive seems to be returning (I tried some porn again, after quite a long break. I simply must express my body sexually, I can only hold off for so long. I suspect that my loss of sex drive lately was a part of my depression in any case) - just when my sex drive is returning, things seem just a little bit different yet again. It feels just a little bit 'odd' when I try to 'get off' on a woman. I'm just a tad confused all over again. I mean, it felt so easy to say to myself, "I'm bisexual" all this time, cos after all, that way I'm not too far away from how I used to feel - I still like woman sexually, after all, so I still have a link with what is considered 'normal' sexuality, right? Well I must admit, although I won't really know until I've had a proper boyfriend, I once again have to say I'm not really as sure of my sexuality, as I thought I was. I might actually be gay. How would that be? Now there's an interesting plot twist to my life story. "Man gets of off women to the point of insanity for years and years, then later in life, finds out he can only get off on guys". I'm not feeling angst-ridden about this...I think...but I feel somewhat odd. I might be gay...maybe. Not sure, but it's possible. Ha. Just when I thought I knew who I was, I'm a bit confused again.

    Thanks for reading.
     
  2. Kai LD

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    This is something that can shift around a lot for a lot of people... Personally as I'm trying to embrace walking the way I want to, moving, etc that I am finding women a lot more attractive and men somewhat less so... :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  3. stocking

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    I would think if you still like women sexually that your still bi :confused:
     
  4. Damien

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    The thing is, I still find women very attractive. But I will be rather blunt here, today I prefer a guy's face to a woman's, a guy's flat chest to a woman's breasts, and a guy's sexual organs to a woman's. So I find women attractive, yes, but I cannot 'get off' on them, as I so powerfully used to. I agree that this can shift around, but who here says "today I'm gay, tomorrow, who knows?" Not many, from what I've read. But, thank you for the reply, it is helpful to know it can shift around for some...

    ---------- Post added 20th Aug 2014 at 02:18 PM ----------

    When I met with my previous female crush yesterday, I felt really drawn to her - for the first twenty minutes or so. Then, my attraction died off, and now, I feel purely friendship for her, nothing more. My desire can still flare up for women, but it doesn't seem to last for very long. But yeah on some level, I still suspect that I'm probably Bi, and that my current inability to 'get off' on women in due to some kind of emotional problem I'm going though at present.
     
    #4 Damien, Aug 19, 2014
    Last edited: Aug 19, 2014
  5. stocking

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    I think it helps if you worry less about it and just let things take their course you know , probably the fact that your worrying about this could also be affecting you. :confused:
     
  6. Damien

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    Thank you, stocking :slight_smile: and I do agree with 'letting things take their natural course' and with not worrying so much. It's just that, I thought I was clear on this already; I've been calling myself 'Pansexual'. I finally thought I knew. Now, I'm back in the land of uncertainty. Maybe I'm just a bit annoyed about this. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    Just to make it clear, my feelings of liking women, as either friends or in a romantic way, are as strong as ever - that has not changed. I mean, I like anyone, really, who is kind-hearted, I feel a general sense to goodwill towards most folks, and this of course includes women. :slight_smile: It is only in the sphere of sex, that my mind and body (currently) only seems to incline towards guys.
     
    #6 Damien, Aug 19, 2014
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  7. stocking

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    Your welcome but I have heard from a few bisexual people that they attractions can fluctuate sometimes and they can be into one gender more for a while . maybe this happens to pansexuals too :confused:
     
  8. Candace

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    I'm the same way. I think that women are pretty/ attractive, but akin to how the Grand Canyon or a Monet painting is pretty. I'm not turned on by them at all. I just don't think of them in any sexual way at all. That doesn't discount the fact that I might see a girl on the street and think "wow, she's pretty, etc. etc."
     
  9. TheStormInside

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    If you feel you've genuinely been attracted to women in the past, Damien, maybe your sexuality is just more fluid. Like Stocking said, I've seen some bisexuals say that their level of attraction to one gender or the other can fluctuate dramatically at different time periods. Is that possibly the case for you?
     
  10. Damien

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    That resonates with me. But if I say that, then no-one will ever trust me. I just realized this, just now reading your post. Thank you for that.

    If I say my orientation can shift, then despite the fact that, not only am I a loyal kind of person, and would be true to someone I was in love with, I'm worried they would think "well his orientation can shift like the weather, therefore he is not trustworthy". Lots of folks here 'know what they are'. But I still don't. I guess I am 'bisexual' but just to be clear, what I am really seeking is closeness, and I think that would trump all else, if I could only attain it with some special person.
     
  11. OGS

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    Obviously I don't know what you are experiencing and other people have offered a lot of good perspectives, so I will offer one more based on my experience. Once upon a time I thought I was bi and I figured because I was bi I could just be with women. It seemed easier. And that's what I did--I had relationships with women I very much cared about and those relationships were sexual in nature. I enjoyed sex with women--it wasn't quite as amazing as everyone seemed to think, but well what really is? It felt great and I enjoyed it--and it was so much easier than being gay, so I just kind of shut off that side of myself and it was fine. I'd notice guys and fantasize about them but well it's not like anybody actually acts on all their fantasies anyway.

    And then one day late in my college years a very good friend who was gay and who I was very attracted to but who had always been very respectful about me either not being gay or not being ready got drunk and went in for a kiss. It was like lightning through my soul--literally my legs gave out and we fell into a tangle on the floor of the lobby of my building. And as I lay there I realized that this was what everyone was singing about and that this really was as amazing as everyone said it was. That single drunken kiss was hotter than any sex I'd ever had up to that point--and I finally just had to admit it. I suppose in some sense I'm bi--but not in any sense that is really relevant (short of being trapped on a desert island with a hot woman:lol:slight_smile:.

    In the following weeks my attraction to women, which had seemed very real, all but evaporated as I came around to the possibility of being with men. So I guess the possibility that I will throw out there is that perhaps your attraction to women was a defense mechanism and as you become more open to being with men it's no longer necessary. Obviously, I have no way of knowing but I kind of feel like that's what happened to me.
     
  12. Damien

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    I resonate with something you said above: being gay is all too hard. I mean, apart from a gay counsellor I spoke with on the phone recently, I've barely had a single decent conversation with any gay guy since 'coming out to myself' few months back. And I don't see many folks here saying it's easy to meet a guy, especially, to find one who is compatible. A part of me feels like, "it would be easier to just seek out a woman for friendship / sexual intimacy". And of course the door is wide open for me to do that. But I hesitate, and have for the past few years. Like it says in that song 'Real Men' (by Joe Jackson):

    I'm more confident now, honestly I am not nearly as scared as I used to be, of talking to or approaching a woman. But I just keep on hesitating. Anyway I'm seeing an lgbt-friendly psych soon. Got some referrals. I'm not sure right now what the hell is happening with me. I've got a lot of desire at present. It's been a few years since I've been sexually intimate with anyone at all, and I even suspect that for a highly sexed person like myself, that is not healthy. I'm feeling bad about it. Maybe I ought to try seeking out a woman I like, after all where the hell does one meet a like-minded guy? How does one go about it? Like you said yourself, society isn't exactly structured to make this an easy task.

    I sense that at some stage my curiosity is going to get the better of me, and I'm possibly going to just go with someone from the gay dance venue...but I don't like that idea, because really I want to get to know someone! Not just have a drink with them and then go off and shag. Sorry to be so blunt but I'm feeling like I need to explore this side of myself at some stage. The suspense is irritating me. Maybe I will just toss down a tequila and find someone with whom there is some mutual attraction. I actually had an opportunity that I passed up, because my gut instinct was that I could not trust the guy, nor the group he was with. They were being 'friendly' but I wasn't even sure they were gay, to be honest, and interestingly, I've not seen them there again, either. Maybe they were actually a bunch of straight guys who had come that night out of curiosity, and who liked that androgynous blond guy who was dancing in a girly way (ie, me lol). But I didn't like the vibe I got from them.
     
    #12 Damien, Aug 20, 2014
    Last edited: Aug 20, 2014
  13. OGS

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    I guess the thing I will say is that before I came out it seemed like it would just be easier being with a woman but from the other side, it really wasn't--for me at least this is so much better. Being gay has honestly been such a profound blessing in my life. All the things I thought I would never really have I have and all the challenges I envisioned are there but not nearly to the degree I anticipated--and in a very real way even the challenges have in the end enhanced my life. Now, one thing I will say is that I am apparently really unrepresentative of this board in that I've never had a hard time meeting guys. I don't honestly know what the difference is because I've really tried to wrap my mind around some of the things people say on here and all I can think of is that I live in more accepting parts of the world--then I see that the person speaking is in Toronto--and I did grow up in Utah. I really don't know--sometimes I think it really does boil down to how difficult you want to believe it is. I hope whatever future you decide to pursue that you run into it with open arms. After all this work deciding what you want, just make damn sure you get it in the end.:icon_wink
     
  14. Damien

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    Thanks for all your encouragement, and advice, OGS. It's sweet of you *blows kiss* :icon_wink