Stay married or be free and live?

Ok, separate your two issues. Deal with them one at a time.
Relationship. Sexuality.
From reading the thread, you'd rather pay for a divorce rather then counselling. You need to leave. Divorce. No kids. Lead the single life.
Your sexuality will then become an easier issue to deal with. No-one to answer to, and time to deal with everything at your own pace.

I need to practice what I preach. :/

 

I'm sorry. I think I missed something here. WHAT exactly might you be leaving? You could be gone for days and he wouldn't even notice. You and him live an hour apart and only see each other once a week? The average daily commute for most Americans is over an hour each way. Does he travel by horse? I think you need to put aside your questions about sexual orientation and think about this relationship. Hate to sound harsh, but its time for this guy to start coming home every night - or its time to move on. As far as having a child with him - married to him or not, you will be a single parent. And still alone. He's got to make the effort. Also explain why he spends more time away than at home.

 

Kids are wonderful, but they are not a solution to a problem. No child should be born with a job.

I knew I was depressed and had intimacy issues with my husband before we had kids, and we had them anyway. I love them dearly but could see myself in a parallel universe as happier with them in a more sexually fulfilling marriage. I'm not comfortable saying that I'm trapped, because I have grown closer to my husband and love him more now than I did pre-kids. However, my sexuality is becoming an issue and I do not see it going away.

 

OP: I just now really noticed the title of your thread: Stay married or be free and live?

Read that again.

One more time.

That's how you really see it. You don't really see that staying married is really living. Doesn't that tell you something?

 

actually, there are million reasons to be in a bad relationship:

• kids
• financial status
• sorrow, for what will happen to the partner after divorce
• fear of the community, considering how they treat a divorced person
• fear of change
• illness (especially in elderly) and losing partner's help in such case
• fear of loneliness (if there's no other person in mind)

and these are just some that i thought of while thinking of an answer to: why my parents don't divorce each other, as realistically they both want to. - she doesn't like him (actually, she's disgusted by him) and he thinks she cheats (he's right). but although kids are not issue here (i'm an adult), they have all other problems - mentioned on this list.

that said, if person doesn't have any of those problems (or others), than of course they should leave. the thing is - it's obviously not that simple.
you are all commenting like it's crazy that she even asked, while she probably has some of the issues on the list (or others) and that's why she is trying to fix her marriage instead of leaving.

 

Kids are probably the worst reason to stay together, as I've said in another thread. They can sense unhappiness and resentment and will blame themselves. My best friend's parents divorced when she was 6 and she's now better off for it. Very happy, well adjusted adult who's close to both sides of the family now. Things would have been worse off for her if they stayed together and it would have escalated depression and fear for her. Not to mention that if spousal abuse is present, it can lead to the kids actually getting abused and involved. At this point, it would be morally irresponsible to stay.

Sadly, some of the other reasons I can understand. Financial problems being a big one if you can't support yourself elsewhere. This is the main reason my parents never divorced, though I used to wish they did.

 

agree with everything you said, but when i said 'kids' i actually thought 'financing kids'. kids are very expensive and if the mother has a bad job... or she works all day and he will at least be there to make lunch for the kids. or if you're a man, well than you won't be even seeing kids if you get divorce, so you stay just to be with them. because in my country no way a gay guy would ever see his kids after divorce. actually, not even a straight guy. kids go to the mother, period.

 

Ok, I guess I see what you mean when it comes to finances. You would really have to be financially off to be able to support them, so you might need to make sure that comes first.