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Stay married or be free and live?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by ZiJ, Sep 11, 2016.

  1. ZiJ

    ZiJ
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    I'm bisexual. I like men, but i always have deeper feelings for women. I'm married to my husband for quite a few years now. We don't live in the same house because of work places, but lives like about an hour from each other and see each other at least once a week. He does not know that I am bi. No babies. Hardly have sex, as I'm not really interested with doing it with him, I guess. I am a closeted one, but I grew up acting boyish so I always get teased about it, which i have denied every time. And sadly, still do. Very few people knows the truth, my one and only ex-girlfriend, who was a close friend that i had fallen in love with before, and her sister. My ex-girlfriend is happily married now to a man and has kids. And we are still close friends. Anyway, my problem is that I am not happy with my husband at all. He is a nice guy, but I am just not in love with him. I feel like a dead person living everyday. We separated a couple of times before, and tried divorcing each other twice. But I got back with him as other people talks to me and say something like it's normal for married people to have arguments, try living together, and have a baby and blah blah blah... So I gave it another chance.. but still no result.. I often actually giving 90% of my attention to a close friend of mine who is a girl who does not have any idea i have a huge feelings for her. But anyway, that's beside the point coz she is straight and is married. So should I stay married with this guy? My family is Catholic, they respect people's opinion about homosexuality, but they are not in favor of the idea.. I don't really know what to do.. Should I just wait and maybe.. just maybe having a baby will really fix it? What do you think?
     
  2. myheartincheck

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    Do not have a child to fix the situation please! It never helps.

    May I ask why you two have considered divorce so often and remain separated?
     
  3. ZiJ

    ZiJ
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    It doesn't? Maybe, but it works for others though.
    As to considering divorce often, we always fight.. or rather, I have a very short temper when it comes to him. I guess after years of marriage, we still haven't figured it out how to settle our differences.. but I have always thought that maybe it's because my heart is looking for something else.
     
  4. Kira

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    I really don't have much insight or experience considering my age, but from what I've seen a child would only make things worse as it will be harder to cut ties and live your life. I sort of learned the hard way that most of the time it's best to do what makes you happy, rather than living a façade in hopes of keeping the family pleased. My family has sort of rejected me now, but at the same time it's kind of liberating. I'm me now and as much as they hate it, it was going to happen eventually. I had spent several years pretending to be straight, pretending to be religious, pretending to agree with their views... honestly it had really dampened my own sanity and was starting to turn me into a rather vile and spiteful individual. Sure they don't talk to me now, but I can finally be myself after all these years just as I was meant to be. In your case if you've frequently had thoughts of divorce and just aren't happy living together, only "doing it" for the sake of appeasing him then you aren't really living to the fullest.

    If you feel something can be better, that your life can be better, don't make my mistake and hold it back for the sake of family. If they truly care about you, rather than the mask you've worn for them, they still will after they know the truth. Just be careful, people can be afraid of what they don't understand.

    It doesn't matter what they say. You know who you are and they can't change it. As for non-family if they don't stick around and reject you for being you, then they weren't real friends to begin with.
     
  5. myheartincheck

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    90% of the time, having a child just makes an already existing marital issue worse. I don't have kids personally, but I've heard people who try to make a family to keep a marriage together say not to do it... and that it doesn't work. In the end, it's usually the child who ends up suffering. They need an already strong family unit. Has your husband said anything about having kids?

    Have you talked to your husband about this? Perhaps you should consider marital counseling to get to the root of the problem here. It could be your sexuality, your lack of communication, various things.



    Quite the contrary! I believe you have a lot of valuable insight, no matter how old or young you are. This is a very wise lesson you've already learned!
     
  6. I'm gay

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    Hi ZiJ,

    You are just a year older than I was when my older son was born. I have 2 boys. They are now 16 and 12. Two weeks ago I came out to them - a complete shock to them, as it was for my wife two months earlier. You will never have a better chance to fix your mistake of marrying your husband and prevent creating a family that's doomed to future heartache.

    I implore you not to have a child with your husband. This isn't an issue of orientation. Even among heterosexual couples, having a baby to fix marital problems never works. There is ample literature on the subject. It only makes the problems amplified and adds a permanent connection to your future ex-husband - your child.

    Coming out and living as a gay/bisexual woman is a personal decision that only you can make, and you get to choose whether or not you do. But you say you don't love your husband anymore, and you seem to know you really want to explore the gay side of your bisexuality.

    You are 32 years old. I'm 47, still married with 2 kids. Don't be like me.
     
  7. caliwoman

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    I received some horrible advice from a therapist who advised me to have children to fix my marriage and to receive the unconditional love I so desire. Needless to say, I have a new therapist and didn't do that. Lol


    I'm in the exact same boat as you. We're out there, lol.
     
  8. afgirl

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    OMG do not have children with this man....please. For all the reasons given above and more, just please don't.

    Should you stay or go? This seems like a difficult question right now, but.....

    Do you see yourself in the same situation ten years from now? Twenty? I suspect the thought of continuing this for that long puts a definite answer in your head. Please go with it. Divorce is awful and traumatic and not easy for anyone (it shouldn't be, really) but avoiding the mess of it will not make your situation change.

    You know the old saying, "If nothing changes, nothing changes."

    Good luck with all this.
     
  9. SiennaFire

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    This seems like a no brainer to me.

    • You appear to be fairly high on the Kinsey scale and longing the companionship of another woman.
    • Your marriage appears to have issues and the only reason that you are still together is that you feel a sense of obligation to give it one more try based on talking to others.
    • You're effectively separated because you live apart because of work.
    You should divorce and start dating women. Having a child in your current marriage would be a total mistake.
     
    #9 SiennaFire, Sep 12, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2016
  10. SweetSoulJulia

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    Sorry to say but I agree with the others. Having a child will be a huge mistake and will do nothing more than complicate things for you. Why would you want to remain tied to a man you're already not sure you want to spend the rest of your life with? A child will connect you forever and not to mention the innocent little being would be caught in the middle.

    Please take it from me. I knew I was bisexual before getting married. I dated women for a year before committing. I thought I could suppress my need for a woman because I really wanted children and that white picket fence of a life. 10 years later--while I adore my two children and can't imagine life without them--I'm left feeling trapped, unfulfilled and in love with a woman. Leaving is much, much, much more complex with children. Leaving for a lesbian lifestyle is even harder. And I too come from a Catholic family and my husband is devout.

    You're in a good place right now to go for what you want. You're still plenty young to start over.

    Just my 2c
     
  11. Mr B

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    I beg you not to have children under your current circumstances. I have two and as much as I love them, I am completely trapped, in the closet, coping with an unfulfilling status quo for fear of losing them. Please don't do this to yourself. You don't need a man to have children and a family. You need somebody you really love and who loves you too. Then you can have as many as you like.
     
  12. killswitch0029

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    A child will not make things better, you'll just be bringing a child into this unhappy situation which would be pretty unfair to it. To be brutally honest if you're not happy with the marriage and given that you've tried to pursue divorce in the past, it would just be in your best interest to end things.
     
  13. RosePetals76

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    Let me get this right.... You're married, but live an hour apart and only see each other once a week?! You really must not like each other to put in so little effort. I live an hour from my girlfriend and I have 3 kids... We manage to be together a MINIMUM of 4 nights per week, and talk the rest of them. It about kills us to be apart so much, and can't wait for the day we don't have to be. (Probably in March.)

    As for the having kids thing... NO! It will never fix a relationship. Kids are stress. Adding stress doesn't fix problems, it makes them worse. My 3rd pregnancy was the final straw for my marriage. It was bad before, but that was the end of it, we split up when my son was 5 DAYS old. Imagine that, the stress causing the breakup while you're body is broken and you're adjusting to life as a parent. Soooooo not okay.

    If you need to experiment without leaving, maybe ask about an open relationship. As far as I can tell, though, you don't like your husband, and there's no reason to be in a bad relationship.
     
  14. prettypixie

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    Don't have kids with your husband!!! It will make things worse and harder to leave.

    I'm 33, bi and I have 3 kids. I just came out almost 2 months ago. My husband is okay with it but I'll never be able to have a full out relationship with a woman unless I leave the husband I love very much. You have the ability to start over and live your best life. Don't throw that chance away.
     
  15. ZiJ

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    Thanks to all of you who replied.. Ok, I guess the baby is such a bad idea.. although I do want to have a child of my own in the future.

    I agree with myHeartInCheck. Kira, despite of your young age, what you have said was a really good insight. It's sad to know that you're family did kinda rejected you, that is one of the reasons why I am hesitant do what I really want. You are very courageous, I wish I could do that too.


    With regards to having kids, my husband never actually started any conversations about about it. But whenever I bring it up, he's ok with whatever I want. I do feel that we have a lot of issues about our marriage, and it seems that both of us are not really consistent on making it work... which i feel goes back again to me being not really capable of fully loving him as my heart always wants something else. About counseling, I dont think I want to spend for that hahaha I would rather spend on divorce I guess :grin: But thanks for the suggestion.

    ---------- Post added 13th Sep 2016 at 12:50 PM ----------

    Now that your family knows about the truth, do you feel more free? How are you handling it?

    ---------- Post added 13th Sep 2016 at 12:56 PM ----------

    What's up with that therapist! :lol: It's hard coz we go to people and hear a lot of advice which does makes sense depending on which one you would rather do but at the same time sometimes we know what we should do but the question is are we willing to face the consequences of our choice :confused:

    ---------- Post added 13th Sep 2016 at 01:02 PM ----------

    To answer your question, yes, i think i will still have the same problem 10 years from now... and divorce is really awful, i think the main reason why i got back with him is because i didnt want to deal with divorce paperworks and the hassle that comes with it.
     
  16. I'm gay

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    I feel incredibly free. It is an amazing feeling. That's not to say it's easy. It's very sad that my liberation has to come at the cost of pain for others. The pain is really only there for my wife and kids. It's a shock to them at first, but my wife has known for almost three months now and is doing quite well. The kids don't seem to be bothered by it yet, but since I'm still living at home with them, it's too early to tell. When I do move out, I'm sure it will be tough. I have resilient kids who are loving.

    Since you don't have kids yet (Thank God!), you won't have to face that issue.

    I do wish you good luck on your journey.
     
  17. ZiJ

    ZiJ
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    You are very lucky then if that's their reaction. I cant see myself coming out to my family, meaning my husband and my mom and siblings soon. It's too scary for me. I admire you and others for coming out :thumbsup: Good luck also on coming days.. :icon_wink
     
  18. Creativemind

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    You need to leave if you're unhappy. Kids are a bad idea as they'll just add to more stress and time spent together in an unhappy marriage. I just hope you have a place to go in case there is a lack of support.
     
  19. ZiJ

    ZiJ
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    I didnt know what Kinsey scale was so I googled it.. and did the test and came out as mostly homosexual.. so yeah you're right.
    I should probably think about divorce again... i wonder when will i really start doing something about it.:confused::icon_sad:
     
  20. SiennaFire

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    You will come out when you are ready. If you stay on EC, read the stories of others, and break things into baby steps, it won't be so scary.