1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Starting to hate people around me, Am I going mad?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Gooonerz, Apr 3, 2017.

  1. Gooonerz

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2016
    Messages:
    20
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    :)
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    First of all to clarify, coming out is not an option in my country. And now I just seem to feel this weird anger around people I have a crush on. Mind, I'm not angry when I'm with them, but just something about them makes me angry after I have to spend time with them. People I've been friends with that I no longer talk to because of this.

    And it's not just restricted to people I think look good. Even normal people piss me off, I just have this weird feeling that they have everything they want, or at least they'll get it and I'll be alone. I don't see a way out and I'm getting angrier and angrier. But I don't want to, it hurts my head, but God, it makes me angry. Yet angry at what, I wonder? They can't help being straight, some might not even be straight, but I'm still angry at the world.

    I don't get it. And I hate this feeling of helplessness. It just gets me down, and it's like they're mocking me with their lives. I can't go to a psychiatrist here, but I think I'm finally going mad. But then at times, I'm not sure, am I?
     
  2. OnTheHighway

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 9, 2014
    Messages:
    3,929
    Likes Received:
    610
    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Not having an option to come out requires you to suppress your true self, and the corresponding shame that is associated with being gay in your country requires that you put up emotional barriers to protect yourself. Having your emotions, and true identity, repressed could understandably cause anger. And where would you direct this anger at? Well, at other people of course.

    The good news is your recognizing now what is happening. And while living in a repressive society, as it sounds you are, you can look to try and manage the shame and anger you are feeling. I am sure this will not be easy by any stretch of the imagination! So I apologize if this post sounds like an "easier said than done" type of post, that is not my intention.

    But what choice do you have? If you have resigned yourself to living where your living, and if that does not allow for you to live openly, then you need to focus on getting your head around the shame and managing your anger.

    Rather than focusing on what you can not have, consider refocusing your energy on objectives that are attainable that you would enjoy. Maybe it is being a strong student (if your in school), maybe its focusing on your career (if you are working), maybe its excelling in a sport or other hobby, or even helping others whom are less fortunate.

    Maybe you can also share more about your circumstances and, with the added clarity, a more appropriate process to managing the anger can be articulated?
     
  3. Gooonerz

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2016
    Messages:
    20
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    :)
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I've always wanted to leave, and have always had a plan, but now I can't. My dad died recently, and that leaves me as someone who has to stay here till my little bro grows up and can assume some responsibility. My mother will never accept me being gay, nor would my father ever have done so. They're already planning my marriage since I have a job.

    As for careers, I've never really wanted something huge. I'd always just wanted a quiet life, with enough to live on, with someone I love. And that's the one thing it seems I can never have. I hate this feeling of resentment, even now my head is hurting, and for some reason I hate the people I'm working with, I feel like they're humiliating me, or even worse, that I actually want to be humiliated by people I like. I don't like it, it hurts me, and I sound like a child while saying this. I'm still in one of those moods, and it just hurts me deep inside because I shouldn't be, yet I am. And yet, the only way I've ever been able to relax is some music, and some water. But that's not really coping, is it?
     
  4. OnTheHighway

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 9, 2014
    Messages:
    3,929
    Likes Received:
    610
    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    The thing about plans, is that they are always subject to change based on circumstances. So while you had a plan, maybe you should still have a plan? Just update the plan for your current circumstances. If you were going to leave previously, and still want to leave, come up with a new time table.

    As far as feeling humiliated, again, thats the shame talking! The shame is diminishing your self esteem and confidence. Try and push back on those thoughts. You sound like a very thoughtful, responsible and sensitive person. Those are great characteristics! Leverage them to build your confidence and love for yourself.
     
  5. Gooonerz

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2016
    Messages:
    20
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    :)
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Trying so hard to focus on other things.

    But I'm starting to realise more and more that what I want most in my life is love, not work or anything else. Not sure how much longer I can stay hidden in this country, with all the web tracking and all our Pakistan government is supposedly using now. Just amazed at how much humans can hate their fellow humans and hurt them for something that's not a choice....
     
  6. cakepiecookie

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 18, 2015
    Messages:
    326
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Somewhere
    Is moving an option at all? I know immigration isn't always easy, but in your shoes I think I'd set all my goals towards getting to somewhere more open-minded.

    Anyway, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.
     
  7. PotatoPotato

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 26, 2015
    Messages:
    74
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Netherlands
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    All but family
    I really suggest moving to a country that is more accepting; I know it is hard. (I know someone who fled from Pakistan because his family tried to murder him for being gay. Sorry if that scares you). From his experience, If you can't be who you are, go to somewhere where you can. Being who you are is more important then any job, relation or person you know in life, though it can be very VERY hard (and traumatic) to leave family behind, especially in a situation like this.

    And I agree, it is a shame that something silly like religion causes this hate, religion is supposed to by about love, and about why or how we exist, not about hating eachother for factors that we can't mentally or physically change.

    I wish I could give you a hug; You are in a situation I am glad I never was or became enrolled into myself.

    The feeling of anger likely comes (Though I can't guarantee anything, I am not a doctor, don't take what I say as if I am.) from the way you feel. If you know, or strongly feel/think you are not going to be accepted for who you are, you will somewhere down in your jar of feelings start to feel less accepting of those people in most cases.; sometimes even mad or angry. (From personal experience)

    I hope at least a section of my response helped you even though it was an utter mess.
    Hugs from the Netherlands included :wink:
     
    Gooonerz likes this.
  8. Gooonerz

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2016
    Messages:
    20
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    :)
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I did it....

    I'm in Italy currently :grin:

    It's only been a few days, and it's not like I've found someone or done anything, but the fear no longer being there is enough for now :grin:
     
    Drizzle likes this.
  9. Gooonerz

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2016
    Messages:
    20
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    :)
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I never did reply at the time, but your post was really nice, and it was really great to read at the time, and even more so now. I just remembered this thread, and now I'm a bit teary about the support
     
    Nightlight likes this.
  10. Majorelle

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 29, 2018
    Messages:
    13
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Congrats~ I hope you find love. I feel really fortunate to have been raised in a somewhat open society, nevermind the fact that my parents disprove of me being bi and joining an lgbt club. I wish you well
     
    Gooonerz likes this.
  11. PotatoPotato

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 26, 2015
    Messages:
    74
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Netherlands
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    All but family
    I honestly never expected to hear back, I am glad I could be off some help with my messy reply. Things may still stay very hard, Italy still isn't the best country and I can't really imagine the things you've had to go through and leave behind. I hope your life gets better, and that you find someone to call yours at some point, but don't forget to take time to stabalise and deal with potential trauma from leaving.

    Though I can't promise my advice will always be the best advice you can get (no one can), if you need advice in the future, feel free to quote me again in this thread, I tend to check-up on empty-closets every few weeks.

    Good luck to you and an additional hug from the Netherlands from me :wink:
     
    Gooonerz likes this.