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Starting to Doubt

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Athexant, Dec 3, 2018.

  1. Athexant

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    Alright, so I've actively identified as an FTM transguy for the last 3 years. I came out to most of my friends but held off from coming out to my family because they're very conservative, traditional people. I bound my chest, did research on surgeries, hormones, watched a bunch of trans YouTubers, read books, and came to communities like these to learn more about what it meant to be trans. I've been present for a lot of the trans discourse.

    Anyways, I came out to my parents as trans about a week ago, and they have basically shut me out of their life and threatened to stop helping me pay for college (which I will be absolutely screwed if they do). I didn't even want to come out, but my mother kept pressuring me and asking me if I wanted to be a guy.

    In the last week, I've been forced to stop binding, stop looking at all of the hormones and surgeries, and now I wonder how trans I really am. After the negative reaction, I kind of backed off of the whole "I think I'm a guy thing," and I guess I still feel comfortable with some female aspects of my body? Now I'm wondering if maybe this whole time I was just confused and desperate to fit in somewhere or if maybe I'm actually non-binary and more androgynous.

    I think the thing that bothers me the most about being female is the social aspect of it all. I want to be seen as a male socially, and I have traditionally male preferences and mannerisms. However, I don't really notice any body dysphoria anymore, and I think I would be comfortable if I didn't transition. Am I actually androgynous? I'm honestly really confused and stressed about everything, and I don't think any of the friends that know I'm trans would understand.
     
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  2. Kheenta

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    Hello there, I see you find yourself in a right pickle.
    I've been looking at this post and it's whole shebang is that you are questioning if you're truly trans. Trust me when I say I know the feeling.
    Though we find ourselves in very different situations I'd like to say this, I've been taking this whole questioning thing fast and its showed me something. Doubt is around almost every corner. I started out just wondering and I experienced a little bit a dysphoria, then poof, gone. Over and over this would happen. Certainty then doubt again and again. If you consitantly experience these feelings that you don't belong to your sex I say that you should follow your gut. You could do what I did with my parents when they started to catch on to my online activities, say that you have repented and all that crap and keep on chugging on in secret. I know that I'm not the most knowledgable but I hope this helped, even the slightest bit.
     
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  3. Mihael

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    Nothing wrong with that.

    Not everything fits neatly into a box. For a lot of people it's easier to think in terms of binaries, however, you can be non-binary and transition or be binary trans and not transition , you can be masculine and female, you can be somewhat feminine and a trans man, and so forth...

    I feel you :/ As said above, a lot of people think in binaries, but in reality people aren't numbers... we are more complex than that.

    All in all, I would let the dust settle, because on one hand, it could be the case that you actually wanted to fit in too badly and/or wrapped up in some emotional spiral, on the other hand, you could be striving for your family's acceptance right now. There is also a phenomenon that people tend to stick to ideas in which they are personally invested... socially invested. I mean it about your friends. There are a few factors to take into account.
     
  4. Athexant

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    I'm very glad that you know the feeling. It makes me feel a little less alone and that it's more of a normal thing that trans people go through. I think I might just wait things out and watch my feelings and see what happens. I also think it might help to not make this an obsession.

    Thank you for your response! It was helpful and gave me some things to think about.
     
  5. Athexant

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    Thank you for your response. I really like how you broke down my post and responded to it in smaller pieces. I really felt like my original post was too convoluted and seeing it broken up like that helped me reassess some of my feelings.

    It is a little hard for me to think outside of the binary just because I don't have a lot of non-binary role models around me. Most of the trans people I know are binary trans people and my friends are also familiar with binary trans people. Do you have any good references for where to start looking into non-binary things?

    I really did want my family's acceptance, but I don't think I'll ever get it. They openly said that they don't care if I live my life as a masculine-presenting girl; they just want me to be a girl. I just think it's kind of strange that my body dysphoria disappeared after I came out, but I still have social dysphoria. I think I could live as androgynous if I had to.

    You're right though, I should just wait and see what happens. It's easier to sort through this hazy mess when I'm not overwhelmed with emotion.
     
  6. Amanda F

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    It shouldn't be an obsession, but many people, trans, non-binary, etc., spend quite a while on a journey of self discovery. It's "normal." The rest of your life is a long time, there's no hurry to figure yourself out, and you may not be able to do it while you are still under your parent's control, or any strong external influence. Do whatever you have to to keep your parent's support until you are ready to live independently. For a lot of people, it's really hard to figure themselves out until they can live independently. Have patience and know that we've all been there -- you'll figure it out.

    Mandy
     
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  7. Mihael

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    I can't remember anything specific off the bat. It would of course depend on what you are looking for. You can post a topic in this forum as well, we have some non-binary individuals hanging out here.

    Do you know those binary trans people from a support group or some similar environment? Because I know lots of non-binary folks and no binary trans person. But I just came out as trans to people I already knew, and didn't go to a support group. Maybe looking for androgynous folks the traditional way could be an idea?

    I'm glad I could help :slight_smile:

    Good luck. I hope it sorts itself out, because it sounds like a very confusing situation that you're in. With that physical dysphoria disappearing because of coming out.
     
  8. Athexant

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    Thanks for your input and encouragement! I think I really needed to hear that it's "normal" (relatively). I'm an anxious person, and sometimes I really need to be reminded to stop and smell the roses and that things will work out how they will.
     
  9. Athexant

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    I came out as trans to people I already knew. My school has a GSA, but I stopped going because it shifted from more of a support group to discussions about online fanfiction. I might ask one of my friends because he knows a whole network of trans and non-binary folks (though most of them are online).

    Thank you for the ideas though; I'll try casting the net and seeing what happens.

    Yeah, it is very confusing. I'm just going to wait for all of the emotions to settle on both my parents' end and my end.

    But thank you for everything!
     
  10. Mihael

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    Why do you think your friends wouldn’t understand what you are going through? Friends are for supporting us in such moments.
     
  11. Athexant

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    They have all been very supportive when I told them that my parents didn't support me. I guess I just don't want to come across that I've been "faking" my feelings for the last few years. I'm sure they'd understand, but I'm just anxious, and I don't want them to think less of me. I really did believe strongly that I was trans, and I still feel not entirely aligned with my birth sex, just not as strongly as before (or as hatefully).
     
  12. Crisalide

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    The most healthy thing is facing the truth. With yourself, and with others (when you're safe). If you explain things sincerely to your friends, they will understand your reasons, they'll understand that you were not lying before.
    I also suspect that the doubts might be a consequence of the "emotional sandstorm" after that unsuccessful coming out to your parents.
    Whatever those doubts are, remember that any answer you'll find in the end will be ok. Even if it means retracing your steps - or some of them.
     
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  13. Mihael

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    Of course you're not faking if this is what you genuinely believed... assuming you were wrong in the first place. In my opinion, you are drifting in the less obvious gender direction and it doesn't mean you're not trans. You can still identify as whatever you feel like identifying as. If it isn't the gender you were assumed at birth, tadaaam - you're trans! And it's totally fine if you're not at the very binary end of the gender spectrum.

    I don't have dysphoria that I know of, and I can swear that I feel like a guy... it was difficult for me to come to this realisation, because there are a lot of stereotypes out there, but I did it. Socially... idk, I'm a stereotypically masculine person and this is what I'm happy being.
     
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  14. Athexant

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    Thank you for the encouragement! I am a very anxious person, so it's easy to get lost in my head with all of the negatives. It takes someone to bring me out of that head space, so thank you, truly. In fact, I'll talk to the most supportive ones today and just get it out of the way.

    That's what I'm beginning to think as well, about the emotional sandstorm. I still feel very masculine, so I'm going to continue thinking I'm masc-aligned (although my plans for transition are certainly changing). I really need to do some more soul-searching though.
     
  15. Athexant

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    Just to clarify what you're saying, I can present as more androgynous and still refer to myself as trans? I'm sorry if this question isn't very progressive, I'm more well-versed in the binary aspects of everything. :sweat:
    Also, I'm very glad that you don't think I was faking. I have seen some trans people get legitimately angry when people are questioning, and it makes the whole process more shameful and complicated.

    In the second part of your post, what you're describing is essentially how I've been feeling for the past week. My physical dysphoria is gone, but I still want to be seen as masculine by others, and I feel like I myself am not feminine. I might embrace androgyny because I feel like I can still be pretty masculine, but I won't disappoint my parents by medically transitioning.
     
  16. Mihael

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    Why not? Those two are different, separate things.

    Yes, some people get angry at others for questioning their own transness and it isn't helpful at all. I had some friends in high school that went through trans and gay phases only to realise they were wrong or to settle somewhere in the middle. Nothing wrong with that. We need to explore a bit to truly know who we are. It's trial and error.

    Androgyny is cool. You do you :slight_smile:
     
  17. Athexant

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    Thank you so much for being supportive and for your advice! :relaxed:
     
  18. RavenTheRat

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    Not very helpful but wanted to let you know you’re not alone :slight_smile: I originally identified as FTM but eventually felt that non binary fit better, you may not have been wrong, but if you were, that’s OKAY. Gender is super weird and hard to figure out. Do whatever feels better for you :slight_smile: (Btw, I get the whole not wanting to be obsessed thing. I felt the same way.)
     
  19. Athexant

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    This was super helpful, actually! It makes me feel better to see that I'm not just being weird and that other people have navigated these waters before. Yeah, I feel like I'm obsessing over it, and I'm not sure whether I actually am or not. It's just kind of hard to not think about gender because it colors so much of our lives.

    If you don't mind my asking, how would you describe your current non-binary identity? I'm honestly curious to see if maybe I have similar feelings since we have similar situations. :slight_smile:
     
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  20. RavenTheRat

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    No problem! I usually use a really violent pendulum to describe my identity haha- I usually either have very very strong dysphoria or none at all, there’s really no in between. So I’ll go a month or so absolutely sure that I have to transition to male or I’ll absolutely die, then I go a while perfectly comfortable in my female body.