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Spiraling, please advise...

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by DragonChaser, Mar 17, 2022.

  1. DragonChaser

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    Thank you, Beth. Thank you for being my friend. For a long time, I didn't think I deserved those, to the point I told myself I didn't need them. Then I found out what you can do when you're really alone, and hurting, and no one can tell you not to.

    Of course it's alone. I'm hiding it, because everyone knows I'm an alcoholic. I told them to hold myself accountable, then I got so drunk yesterday, I blacked out for the first time in more than 8 months.

    Woke up really sick; never felt worse. It was truly the worst I've ever had. I couldn't even keep down water, and I kept dry heaving until I nearly passed out; my face was numb and my heart felt like it was racing.

    So, yeah. I fucked up. I'm such a child sometimes. That little devil in me just flashes its fangs and if I don't erase the feeling somehow, it's more anguish than just sadness.

    I don't ever want to drink again. I took mushrooms, too. They didn't work. I'm such a human garbage can, I just absorbed them.

    It's not the bottom, of course, but I slammed into a platform a few hundred feet from where I was just climbing out of this hole.

    On the positive side, I've told some people at work. They accepted me absolutely. They know and they love me for it.

    And I had a friend the other day, one I'd left on pretty uncomfortable terms, tell me they were inspired to first start exploring their gender because I was open about doing so when we were friends.

    At the time, I didn't know I was trans, but... yeah, I was absolutely trans. Yep, now that I really think about it, the only one who didn't know was me. I was open about cross-dressing, and girly stuff, and was constantly talking about pe... well, "male" genitals; you know the outies, the Y chromes, etc.

    So that's me right now. I pretended I got a virus at work, almost called in but went anyway because I'm going to be accountable for my bullshit.

    But do you know what worries me in saying all this, my loves?

    Do you know why I am reluctant to express my confession? Not because of how people will judge me. I've been a scoundrel before; I'm an addict for god's sake. If you think I'm a creep or a jerk or a loser, fine.

    I'm honestly worried about what they'll think of us. They'll look at this train-wreck of my life and say "WELL NO WONDER YOU WANT TO BE A WOMAN, YOU JUST HATE YOURSELF ROFL!" then they'll do what bigots do and assign my failures to everyone.

    Well, I'm sorry if this has that effect, but not every path is linear. Not every wound can be healed by shutting your mouth and getting back to work.

    I'm bleeding inside. Life ripped my heart to pieces and then ripped at those pieces some more, and I suspect it hasn't finished with me yet, either. And you know what's funniest about all of it? The only thing about me that's still intact is the part of me everyone else has tried to cut away. The part even I thought I'd killed.

    The woman inside me. The woman so many will delight in telling me I will never be.

    Well guess what? The first step in getting rid of all this hateful sadness is never ever allowing my behavior to be affected by the perceptions of others again. Starting with the people who never belonged in my heart in the first place.

    That way, maybe I'll finally have some room for the people who do, and all this pain and rage will finally start to go away.

    I'm sorry, I'm tired and a drama queen.

    I love you all so very much, I'm sorry I didn't turn to you sooner. I'm sorry I hid this. You're all such wonderful people, I hope you find peace in this world. And you know, as much of a mess as I am, I'm good for a bit of advice every now and then myself, and I can always try to tell a joke. Your mileage may vary on whether or not it's funny.

    As for me, I'm taking a bath and going to bed. Goodnight, y'all.

    If you read all this, thank you. Here's a puppy for your trouble:

     
    #21 DragonChaser, Apr 5, 2022
    Last edited: Apr 5, 2022
  2. TinyWerewolf

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    Well I'm not going to accept you calling yourself weak, trash, a garbage can, a loser, childish, a jerk, a creep, good for nothing, stupid or anything of the sort- stop that bullcrap now. I usually don't do much tough love, but that stuff simply isn't true- you might be an alcoholic but you're nowhere near any of those put-downs. Keep them out of your mouth and off your keyboard.

    And as someone who hates himself more than pretty much anybody, that self hatred won't change your gender contrary to popular belief. I hate myself to the point if I was another person and saw myself on the street I'd beat him close to lifeless- doesn't change the fact I'm a man in this effing tiny 'female' body who has been through what I've been through unfortunately for me. In fact I probably hate myself more for being trans rather than the other way around. I'm assuming you already know that though, because you're trans too and it sounds as perhaps you've lived it. The woman can't be separated from you because she is you, and embracing her is the only healthy option in my opinion. Trying to fight her out of yourself has led to no good outcome.

    I can tell you first hand that bottling up your emotions is more trouble than it's worth- much more trouble. Am I saying you have to put everything out there? No. Venting and admitting short comings can be very helpful though, especially to people who care about you. I know it can be horrifying and extremely difficult, so I'm proud of you for sharing. You can get through this, and you're not alone, Lydia.
     
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  3. DragonChaser

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    I really don't know what I did to deserve having such support, but I don't know what else to say right now. I'm just not in the right headspace, but I want to say that I love you all and I'm glad you listened. I'm glad I have community. I never really thought I would, or at least I didn't think I would deserve it.

    I'm off to work, but I'll lurk around later, I'm sure. I just want you guys to know that the things you've said had made all of this much more bearable and I'm okay. I'm not great, I'm not about to run down the street screaming "Wheee!" but I'm going to make it today, because of all of you.

    Thank you, my darling friends. Love and light to you all :heart:
     
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  4. staticinmyattic

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    I too hate myself! Seeing everyone talk openly about their self loathing gets me thinking. I always feel like I’m the only one in the room with deep self loathing. That’s probably not true, but all the other self loathers are trying just as hard as I am to hide it.

    I want to throw a big party with only people who hate themselves. People can meet for the first time, and say “Whoa, you’re a piece of human garbage? I’m human garbage too!” then we can hi-five and dance! The DJ will be all like “If you suck so HOOOOOO!” and we’ll say “Hooooo!” and laugh!

    Then, since we’re all together anyway, we’ll perform the ritual of externalizing mental demons, making willing hellhounds of them, and sic them on the trans/homo/anyone-else-phobes of the world.

    “What the hell are these things?!”
    “Physical embodiments of the mental anguish of transfolk.”
    “God help us all.”

    I sincerely apologize for the surreal rant. I’m at the “give me levity or give me death” phase of a depressive episode.
     
    #24 staticinmyattic, Apr 6, 2022
    Last edited: Apr 6, 2022
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  5. TinyWerewolf

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    Those episodes suck- been there, done that, might do it again for all I know. The jokes made me smile if that helps. I envisioned the hounds as this thick but floating black goop (like the texture of tar but possesed) in the shape of a dog.
     
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  6. DragonChaser

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    Well, if it's any aid to you, @staticinmyattic, I'm only saying these things here so they're not bottled up inside and haunting me as I try to recover from the things I've done. I'm fighting hard to end this spell, and I realize now that admitting the things I have took a lot of strength. More strength than it would've taken to keep hiding it.

    Basically, I'm saying I'm not crashing and burning. But yeah. We're kind of in a last battalion sort of formation together right now, aren't we? Planes all shot to shit, most of us are on fire somewhere, I'm pretty sure my left gun's jammed, but we're still in the air, and we're still fighting.

    If I go down, please keep fighting for me. I know that's a lot to ask, but if you go down, I'll do the same, I promise. I'll fight for both of us. All of us. Because that's what people do.

    God, I am a drama queen...

    I love you guys, is what I'm saying. But we really are in a fight for our existence. And right now, we're too scattered, literally; none of us are close enough to each other to effectuate change together, as a unified front. The way we need to be.

    And there are people who want to hurt us. And some of them can't stop themselves. It's why we hide. You all know this; there are consequences for being one of us, globally. But I'm not sure I'm willing to keep hiding just to avoid confrontation. Not forever, anyway. I guess, ultimately, if I had to choose, I'd rather die being who I am than kill my body slowly with alcohol because I can never be.

    Is that really a choice I have to make? Do we all have to make a choice like this? Or am I still just being dramatic?

    Just... understand what you're capable of, guys. And learn how to protect yourself. I'm not talking about guns, per se, but anything shy of MMA isn't going to cut it. Because once we've started exiting the closet, the ones who can't control themselves will not simply cease to be.

    I don't believe they'll pay much for what they do to us. Not for a while, anyway. Not until what they do to us is so hideous, no one can look away anymore.

    I don't believe they'll being expecting resistance, either. Food for thought.

    And why am I the one left feeling twisted and cruel for acknowledging the choices this world has left me with?

    I'm sorry I got dark.

    A big part of me wants to erase this post, but I've already torn off basically all the bandages for you guys; come have a look inside this cavity in my chest! Check it out! You can actually see my heart beating!
    Give me levity or give me death!
     
  7. Cold

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    I guess you are beautiful, but in addition to beauty you, we need to be pleasant by others which I'm not sure about it, at least I myself when stand in a public place I don't feel free due to my feminine behaviors and reactions from others, others look at me and they might ask themselves who is this? why does he (she) like that?! what is his(her) problem??! I can guess from their stunned looks, and this make me more isolated!
     
  8. staticinmyattic

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    I have to get going to work. All I have time to say is even at the darkest and most messed up, there’s nothing in you post that I haven’t also thought (or worse). I’ve always been a drama queen too.

    Virtual spaces are spaces nonetheless. I enjoy talking to you and all the others here because this is a space, a valid one, where at least some of the benefits of being together can be enjoyed. The other guys are doing it, why can’t we?
     
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  9. DragonChaser

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    I appreciate you being open and accepting, and I'll be heading to work soon enough myself. I enjoy my job well enough though. I'd enjoy it a lot more if I was caring for myself better.

    A reminder, if anyone needs it; how you eat and move and sleep during a day affects your mood deeply. Waaaaaay more than you might ever think. Eat foods that make you feel stronger, make sure to get a little exercise and don't overexert yourself while doing so, and get 7-9 hours consistently, at the same time each night as often as you can.

    I need to do this, too. I don't. I smoke pot when I feel bad, and it makes it difficult to tell when you're feeling down because you're sad or just tired or hungry.

    Right now, I feel the two latter things, which makes me the former, but the idea of a nice bowl of vegetable soup when I get to work makes me feel better. That's one of the great things about my job; if I want to make soup, I can. Here's hoping it doesn't suck.
     
  10. tidalpool127

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    Hey Lydia,

    I just wanted to say I think you're doing a great job. I have wrestled with alcoholism and substance abuse in the past and it is no joke.

    I think it's great that you have decided to exercise,
    I'm not athletic and I struggle with this but I always feel great afterwards. Definitely is a mood booster.

    I only used alcohol and harder things for a couple of years because I was in the closet, hated being gay, and was having hookups with very low self-esteem, getting into bad situations, do not recommend. I wish I had any advice concerning alcohol. After coming out, although things were hard at first, I was able to stop drinking daily. Alcohol always makes me feel sick when I drink enough to get drunk so that probably helped. I know that isn't the case for everyone, so all I can say is perhaps talk a walk or do other physical activity when you feel the urge to drink.

    You post also mentions my favorite drug, weed. I managed to let alcohol and the harder stuff go after I funked out o
     
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  11. tidalpool127

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    Ugh, I hit the wrong button. Anyway, long story short I too love and have been overusing weed for a long, long time. I finally stopped in January. This might be controversial, since it is related to weed, but CBD hemp really help me quit full-strength weed. It helps me relax and not be so anxious without the fuzzy high of weed. Everybody's different but it could help you too. Doesn't make you high just helps with the worst of the anxiety. I think you are making the right choices, keep going you got this!
     
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  12. DragonChaser

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    Thank you for your honesty and support! It really does help when others open up about their own experiences, and I'm glad to hear you've found some life beyond the substances, however nascent; it gives me hope.

    There is a part of self-hatred and personal denial that goes hand-in-hand with substance abuse. My entry into it is far more traumatic and personal than I would care to discuss in private company, however sympathetic. Shorthand version is someone very close to me was my supplier, sometimes willing, sometimes not. Went on for far longer than is reasonable. I didn't really even quit, I just had to stop. There was no more.

    Yeah, I've got a lot of personal wreckage to sort out. A lot. It's very helpful to hear that, despite how it seems, you're moving in the right direction.

    I really want to hug everyone. I wish I could do that. People tend to take it wrong from me. Will that change when they see me as I really am?

    Rambling now. Shutting up and going to bed.
     
  13. DragonChaser

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    It's strange, I don't get notified of your messages until long after they've been posted.

    I realize there is a language difference between us, and I hope it doesn't offend you for me to ask, but do you actually live in Iran? You don't need to answer, I just heard it was very difficult there for women like us right now and I was curious if that was why you were afraid to be yourself publicly. I was curious about Iran in general, actually.

    Answer whenever you like, it's okay, I genuinely am going to bed now.
     
  14. Cold

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    a few days ago on the train metro, two very beautiful girls sat and an impolite guy gazed on them, (women from my hometown are extremely beautiful, big eyes, beautiful face, and cute body) but finally a girl of two said the guy "what is your problem be a bit attentive" but the guy instead of apology began to insult them, and I became deeply sorrowful, this is the reality in Iran unfortunately!
     
    #34 Cold, Apr 8, 2022
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  15. Cold

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    I don't live in Iran instead I only breathe in Iran, this is not living but it is only breathing!
     
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  16. DragonChaser

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    I'm sorry to hear that happened! I also understand what it's like not to love the country you live in.

    Regardless, I really hope you are safe there right now. I have heard some awful things, and I hope you never face any of it, dear.
     
  17. Cold

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    being transgender is legal in Iran, I have no special problem, I'm an online teacher, I'm fine! thanks for your attention.
     
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  18. DragonChaser

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    Sweetheart, I'm so glad to hear that and I hope you become a full member soon. I know there is a language barrier, but I want to talk with you just between you and me.

    I am American, but I am not one hates Muslims or anything like that. I love human beings, no matter where they are from or what they believe, and I want to know more about Iran and it's people, especially transpeople!

    Thank you for being open with me, @Cold! I am proud to call you my sister and I am here for you, I promise!
     
  19. Cold

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    thank you so much for your supporting me!!

    anybody is someone who his believes order to be, nobody can be better than his believes! and nobody can have better situations more worthy than his believes!

    every people make his destiny with his believes, and anybody is his own believes exactly not better!!!

    a quote: everything is within its rightful place!
     
    #39 Cold, Apr 11, 2022
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  20. DragonChaser

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    Okay. Updating again.

    I've been losing altitude. Abusing alcohol. Abusing myself. Not taking my meds. I've been acting a fool. It's not okay.

    It's two days now since I last drank. That's a good start, I think. I can't beat myself down more than I already am over this. I'm inclined to, but I can't. I can't take it and I'm tired of hating myself for every mistake I make.

    I have tomorrow off. I'll get my meds refilled and do everything I can to check out the car I've been looking to buy. Whatever progress I make on it is better than no progress.

    We all walk around with so much self-loathing, as queer people. I don't want to anymore. But I have no shame in being trans. My shame comes from all the things I've done to bury this sadness and pain that came from all these years of disconnection.

    Knowing I will never truly be free of this darkness, and will fight it until I die because of all the hatred towards us... I don't know if I feel angrier or more exhausted by it.

    But I can take it. I'm a strong, brave woman. And you know what's funniest about that? I was a weak, angry man.

    In other words, if I wasn't still clawing my way up out of this pit, I wouldn't write a word of this, so don't fear for your dear heroine. But I need others to know my failures to keep vigilant about not repeating them. Hence my earnestness.

    I love you all. Please take care of yourselves, be safe, and don't be ashamed. Be brave! :smiley_cat:
     
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