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Spiraling, please advise...

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by DragonChaser, Mar 17, 2022.

  1. DragonChaser

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    Hello, you. Firstly, you're beautiful. Thank you for taking a moment to listen to my troubles. In gratitude, I'll try not to waste your time, but I have a long story to tell... so... no promises...

    I've been having problems lately with myself. While walking home tonight, it occurred to me. I don't believe, at any point in my life, I've ever been stronger, more disciplined, more capable, or braver than I am now. Yet still, I trip up, again and again.

    A bit of background; I've been without a vehicle for a while now and, in America, that's a very complicated situation because you can't really get anywhere easily without one. So I've been trapped in a miserable little hotel for almost a year now, handing most of my paycheck over and trying to save up for a car. Now that I have my refund, Uncle Sam is buying it for me and that will lead to a more affordable place.

    Long story short, once I get said vehicle and place, I need to do several things:

    -I need to get back with a therapist, because I haven't been able to since I lost... uh, everything
    -I need to start an exercise regimen because despite losing a lot of weight and working a physical job I'm still
    -I need to quit smoking marijuana every. Single. Day. This one is the biggest.

    Now that I really interrogate it, I'm starting to crack under the strain of all of it. My body hurting all the time, being hungry half the day or more, self-medicating to keep my depression and dysphoria at bay... that last one especially. My mind is making all the others just that much worse so that I'll turn to it.

    It's a cycle. I'm miserable, so I smoke, and when I'm not high anymore I'm miserable again and I just keep going until it barely works anymore and I can't stop even when I want to.

    I'm so, so proud of the progress I've made. I'm ready to make more. I'm screaming inside each day to come out, stop being "him" and be me, but ignoring these three things as I have been for a while now has stopped me dead in my tracks. I'm scared that I won't make it any further, and I'm scared to take the steps to change.

    I was once so sure where I was going, but somehow, along the way, I got lost. I still know my destination, but I'm in the bramble now, getting my shins scratched up by the thorns. Every step is a struggle. I need to find the road again.

    You can help me do that.

    Directly, I need someone to tell me this is the right choice, because my real-life friends are all enablers and even they're getting tired of me. I need someone to tell me I'm wasting time by sticking so stubbornly with this dysfunctional routine.

    I need someone to just... I don't know, pretend to give a shit that I'm ripped open and bleeding and still sewing the wound even though it just keeps coming apart again. To tell me, even if it's just a lie, that it matters that I got betrayed in a way I didn't even think was possible until it happened and I didn't just stand, I rose up higher. That I have survived a literal nightmare and, even if time erases it all, I kept fighting, even harder than before.

    I'm sorry. I've been at work for 13 hours after sleeping for 6 and I'm sick to boot. But I can't keep supporting this lie I've told myself. Even if I'm the only one who writes a word in this thread, at least it's known now.

    I've relapsed, everybody. I'm still off the hard stuff, but I'm habituated to a chemical high again and I'm scared because it's insinuating itself between me and a future that I'm already so sick of waiting for that I'm about to fucking explode.

    Again, I know you can't fix this, but... maybe tell me I can?

    I'm sorry again for being so long-winded, but if you know me, you're probably used to it by now. Anyway, darlings, forgive a lady for being so dramatic. However, I've been holding in a lot and I came to this forum to get better. And that's exactly what I intend to do.

    I love you so much if you've made it this far. I know you owe me nothing, but please, if you can, a kind word of support would change my day. I promise you at least one in return, though you may always request more in the future. There is no limit.

    If not, I love you anyway. :smiley_cat:
     
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  2. chicodeoro

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    Hey Lydia - of course you can!

    Remember that the road is not always a straight one, that within that journey there will be times when you lose the path or when there is a diversion put in place or a barrier blocking your progress. Sometimes even the car will break down and you'll have to call out the emergency services..

    I think I've exhausted the car metaphor there but you catch my drift.

    (If it's any reassurance I feel stuck too at the moment. I'm out to 52 people now: all my close friends. But I'm months away from even getting an appointment to start talking about taking hormones, there is a legal cloud that glowers above me and I still feel bogged down in grief and, quite frankly, long term depression. I know, long term, things will be alright. But short term it's so f****** frustrating! I'm 52 and feel as if I haven't got any time to waste.)

    Anyways, DragonChaser, it's really ok to feel s***** every so often. You're an intelligent, articulate woman and it sounds as if you have all the emotional equipment to guide yourself through this curve. And it is only a curve. Sadly, dysphoria and mental anguish are part of the deal for us trans folk. It never has been and never will be a smooth ride. You will pull through this and find the road again.

    Oh and you need to knock the weed on the head! (But I think you already know that, don't you?)

    Hugs, Beth x
     
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  3. TinyWerewolf

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    I agree with Beth. ^ We do give a sh*t about you, so I'm going to say something here: stop the weed! In the short term it feels great but the come down will make you feel like crap every single time. It's because those elevated dopamine levels eventually taper off and you're back to being sad. Then your brain tries to adjust for the extra dopamine and seratonin if you smoke often enough, then you crave it. You probably already know that, but my point is you want your brain to make its own happy, feel good chemicals. That will require going off the weed and changing your routine. Doesn't have to be quitting cold turkey, you could decrease the use in increments. (You'll also save money that you won't be using on weed.) I think it's important to note I'm not judging you for that, I just think getting out of that habit would help you.

    Also, please take care of yourself. If you can, do little things to alleviate your dysphoria. Maybe it's women's socks (the kind that have a cute patten), shaving your legs, wearing a lip balm or gloss, growing your hair out, wearing earrings (maybe not super dangly ones because you said you had a physical job), the options are endless. You're a strong, kind woman who matters to us. We're here for you.
     
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  4. DragonChaser

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    :heart_eyes_cat: You're both wonderful, sweet, beautiful people who have already earned my respect elsewhere and hearing from you helped more than I can say! Today was a particularly bad day at work, and hearing that I'm appreciated is a balm my soul needed!

    Beth, you're absolutely right! I know things are tough in the UK for us, especially, and know you're in limbo makes me sad, but it also reminds me I'm not alone. We're all in this together, and I hope those legal boundaries are broken down like yesterday. Thank you so much, sister. I'll stay strong, for you as much as for me. Can I ask you something? If you had the chance to start hormone therapy, even if you weren't in a position where you could come out, would you still do it? Also, belabor metaphors to your hearts content. I sure do!

    Jack, you're very educated on the subject of addiction! I hope that means you're not one of us [addicts, not trans], but I appreciate you sharing your knowledge with me. I appreciate even more you reminding me you care. And you know, I've been trying that; I shave my body once a week (because it takes a while), and I've been thinking about getting some actual panties, except... well, I've got problems with keeping my underwear hidden. End of discussion on that. Also, you're very sweet and considerate. Please, hold onto that. Believe me, it's rarer than it should be.

    I've also been thinking a lot about coming out. It was easy to pretend for a while, but I'm fed up. I need to tell someone just to test the waters. An old work friend (very religious, generally conservative) surprised me when he told me he accepted me. I think I'm willing to be surprised again by my some of my current co-workers. Or scare them off, ruin our relationship, and possibly have them go around telling everyone else and potentially, even likely, get fired for it.

    But, then again, if I don't get out of this closet soon...

    Anyway!

    I love you both. I mean that. I love you. I cannot help but be humbled by your kindness and grateful for your advice. I'm on my way to health, but it's impossible not to feel tired and lost at times. You've both soothed my anxiety more than I can express, and I promise I will try to live up to the height of the dignity and strength you see in me.

    I don't think I've ever wanted to hug two people more than I want to hug both of you right now. I mean that. I would probably also cry.

    Please, prove you care about me by taking care of yourselves, darlings. We're in this together, and I wouldn't have it any other way! :smiley_cat:
     
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  5. chicodeoro

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    Well, I feel I'd have to be fully out before I started it. I mean God, I want to have estrogen flowing round my body as soon as possible! But, my situation is complicated by what can only be described on an open forum such as this as 'legal stuff'. (If you're interested, PM me and I'll tell you the whole gory detail...)

    What sector do you work in? I'm not sure what the law is like in the US but over here firms generally have policies regarding trans employees which mean that they can't sack you just for being trans. Things are changing too. Again, this possibly depends on where you in the States, but people are often more open minded than you expect. Why recently I came out to an old friend of mine who has turned into a raving right wing pro-Trump and pro-Brexit fanatic. He was actually ok about me (which, of course, was a huge relief).

    I know though how draining it is being half in, half out of the closet. But keep your head up, stay strong and remember you have friends here. Despite everything that life has thrown at me, I'm still an incurable optimist and just know that one day all of us trans folk on EC will be on the other side, fully transitioned and living the lives we were always meant to lead.

    Big hugs, Beth xx
     
    #5 chicodeoro, Mar 19, 2022
    Last edited: Mar 19, 2022
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  6. TinyWerewolf

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    I wouldn't call myself well educated on it but I was a psychology tutor and was going to school to be a music therapist. Addicts is a population I considered working with so I made sure to pay attention. I don't think I'm necessarily an addict, but I have my vices to be fair. I could've easily turned into one though but somehow I've managed to avoid substances at least (well 99 % of the time).

    I know one method of coming out that's often recommended here is a letter (I'm doing that one for my extended family and church choir when I'm able to muster the courage and withstand the consequences). If it's someone very close to you I'd tell you to consider telling in person, writing an outline with answers to questions they might possibly ask you would help if you choose that route.

    As for me being sweet I often wish I wasn't. If I didn't have feelings or care about others my life would be easier. That's just not my nature though. I may be kind of busted up inside right now but I still care about you.

    I know the legal protections depend on the state and the type of organization. For example, Illinois is oddly accepting compared to surrounding states. If you were working for a religious organization in Arkansas or Tennesee they could be exempt to the nondiscrimination laws. It's almost like countries within a country- they're all different and get to make their own rules. A lot of them require srs/bottom surgery to get the marker changed on your driver's liscense or birth certificate and a court hearing and a published announcement for a name change.
     
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  7. DragonChaser

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    I work in food service, specifically I'm a line cook, but I live in Indiana. It's the birthplace of the Ku Klux Klan, the RFRA which was designed to allow business owners to deny services to gay and other queer people,and features exactly no legal protections regarding gender expression. An employer can terminate an employee over that expressly and be held to no account. I've been living as an "out" gay man for a while, but that isn't protected either. That's just me expressing as close to a representation of myself as possible, even if it's still just a shallow farce.

    Watch those vices, love. They turn to habits real quick when you're blue, and being sad's a part of life. Best never to start, is my advice in general, but please don't think I'm judging you if you do. Everyone's experience is different, but not all of ours are unique.

    I think I've made my mind up about telling my closest work friend. Maybe my 2nd as well. They're both teenagers and it'll change what they think of me, but I think they love me, and I know I love them. Hopefully, they'll understand.

    And there's nothing wrong with being sweet! I find sweetness very appealing. It's rare in a world of "I wants" and "give mes." Even if it wasn't, it'd still be precious and worth having.

    As for my legal protections, well, I've outlined that above.

    Today was hard. For the first time in a long time, I wanted to drink. And I mean really badly. Alcoholism almost killed me once, and my mind was just like "NOW, LITTLE FISH!" I know why. I'm ashamed of it. See, drugs lose their efficacy over time, and I use marijuana daily, so my brain wants something stronger. A bigger hit.

    But you know something? I didn't give in. And what's more, I proved my theory right; if you work at it, it always gets better.

    Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I've earned a bath, and a bagel sandwich.
     
  8. TinyWerewolf

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    Hey good job! I'm proud of you for not giving in! Leave it to drug tolerance to make you want a bigger hit though, be careful there. It already sounds like you are being careful though.
     
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  9. quebec

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    DragonChaser.....Part of what you said hit me pretty hard. When I accepted that I was and always had been gay I was still teaching. It was about a year before I retired. I was siting at my desk one afternoon and realized that here I was; a blond, blue-eyed, 6'2" white, Anglo Saxon American Male. The most entitled creature on the planet and having accepted that I was gay I had suddenly become a minority. I was at a total loss for a moment...it was a really sudden drop down into a "valley of not-quite-despair". I had never in my life felt like that before and it was, at that moment really shocking as I understood for the first time at least a little bit of what other minorities have felt for centuries. I don't want to minimize what so many others have suffered as I know that I have not...but that feeling I had was not pleasant at all. Then I had another realization...I had for decades tried to hide my sexuality, both from the world and myself. I knew that I wasn't really straight and I didn't want to accept that I was gay...so I just kind of floated, not knowing or accepting who I really was. When I accepted that I was gay I had for the first time in my life identified with a specific group of people...I was gay and there were a lot of other folks like me. So right then my emotions changed and went back up...I had a family! I belong somewhere! I had never really felt that I fit anywhere and now I did fit. It felt so good to know that, to know that I could find people anywhere that I went who would accept me because we were part of the same "gay-family" So I had been doing a real roller-coaster of up and down emotions as I realized what accepting my sexuality had brought into play in my life. That's about the time that I remembered that the state that I live in has absolutely no protections for people being fired from their jobs because of their sexual or gender orientation. My principal, if he found out that I was gay could simply walk in to my office and say pack up your things, you're fired and there would be nothing that I could do about it! So down the emotional slide I went again. We have come a long way. Those that have come before us have fought for the rights that we do have, but the fight is not over and we can not sit idly by or we will lose what we do have. So Yes, @DragonChaser, just sharing with a fellow employee who we really are could mean being fired. Sometimes it's so hard to pretend to be straight, to be stealth so that we can be safe. I know that there are many times when I want so much to just tell someone I'm gay...but it's just not safe for me to do so. It could mean a total ruin of my life as I know it and so I do the same thing that so many of us do...I pretend. I'm 71 years old...I don't want to try to rebuild my entire life at this point. Sure, my real friends would still be my friends, but I ask myself if it's worth it to go through all of that. I know for some people it is and I am so happy and proud of them. For me and my wife of 44 years who has been so loving, who has accepted me even though she sometimes doesn't really understand...I guess I have to take a different path. I live my gay life here on Empty Closets and also with those that I am out to. There's not too many of them, but the ones that I have told have been the most loving and encouraging people that I've ever known. @DragonChaser keep looking for those special people who love and accept you for you. Not for what you can do for them. They are the gems that we occasionally stumble on. Build you circle of friends with them. Then if you have to work in a place where you can't be the real you, you can look forward to that bagel and bath and an evening with those special friends. I got to have lunch yesterday with one of those special friends. I came out to him in 2015. There was a lot of tears before I got the words out. He was crying too...because my coming out to him had just then given him the strength to come out to me! He was one of those gems I mentioned. Now ever year on March 17th we make it a point to meet or at least call and talk to each other. Sorry for turning a post into an entire book! Hugs to you all and remember our LGBTQIA+ Family is something that makes us all special.
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  10. DragonChaser

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    I'm going to not use this week during the work week. I get two days off, I can smoke then. That's my goal, anyway... wish me luck. Maybe too lofty? I don't know. But you guys keep me strong, and I'll definitely be journaling and posting here during that time. I might be a bit... whiny. Or bitchy. Or both. But I'll try.

    I don't even know where to begin, except to say I'm moved deeply. Your story brings me hope and sadness and fear and frustration and inspiration and I wish I could actually still cry but I'm a bit too traumatized and tired right now to fight through those defenses. They're thicker than I can easily say.

    To know someone like you, so vocal and wise and kind, must live like the rest of us in shadow is... kind of unspeakable. Shame on this planet. Shame on them for throwing all of us aside. If it was just me, fine - I'm a fuck-up and a junkie and a deviant. Kick me out. What the fuck ever. But you guys... all of you beautiful, amazing people struggling towards the same dream...

    I'm so angry for that and yet so proud to not only know people like you all, but to have inspired such outreach and empathy... I don't know whether to feel gifted or cursed that I'm stuck in the closet with all of you here on - and I only mention for irony's sake - Empty Closets.

    This reality is lazily written, isn't it? Almost schlocky, I'd say.

    Jokes aside, you've all inspired me. If I ever have a voice in this world, I will use it to fight for us, and everyone else who is hidden and unseen. I know there are enough people who care that we can overcome these challenges together and gain our equality again those who would keep us down.

    I will fight to rise to the height of my own dignity and share my light with everyone I can. Or, at least, I will take the steps to do so.

    For all of us. I promise.

    ...see what I mean? Schlocky~ :smirk:
     
    #10 DragonChaser, Mar 20, 2022
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  11. staticinmyattic

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    Dragon Chaser, I’ve nothing to add beyond what the wonderful humans already said wonderfully. Just want to tell you that I love your posts. You way with words and language is so joyful, you strike me as one of those people that just lights up a room. Thanks for the enjoyment
     
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  12. DragonChaser

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    Firstly, thank you dear. That's a very kind and heartwarming thing to hear, and I hope that I can continue to be that in the future.

    Today, though... today didn't go so well.

    I remember it started with me being really frustrated that no one was answering me when I called out. No one even said "Are you okay?" when I screamed after I burned my leg with oil. That's been happening a lot lately, no one paying attention. Clearer headed now, I know we've been busier than ever before. People have to be focused. But I'm not quiet on the line. I'm loud, and - while I may joke a lot - I don't call for things I don't need. Being ignored when there are at least three people standing around, doing nothing, is frustrating, I don't care who you are.

    Then, to make a long story short, I found out a new policy had been implemented; one that exists simply to satisfy the whims of the card-carrying member of the Lucky Sperm Club who owns the place. One that came exactly one day after I asked one of our managers a questions related the subject, which she answered in terms remarkably similar to those of the new policy. Hmm... what a mystery!

    Suffice it to say, I was not a very happy girl. All of this on the day I came out to my best friend at work. Probably the best friend I have, honestly. He accept me, no question, no hesitation. It was exactly as I hoped, but... well, it didn't do what I wanted it to. I thought it would be some kind of relief, some kind of a "next step," and instead all I felt was the same kind of trapped. Now someone else just knows it, too.

    I bought a pack of cigarettes today, as well. I've had a few cigarettes the last few weeks to tide me over until I could abuse marijuana again, and going without this week has proved a little more challenging than I expected. It unsettles me how good I felt after I had that pack in my hand. It was like a valve in my brain was turned and the dopamine gates opened open again. And that only proves what I already knew.

    The reality is, my addiction is making everything worse. My brain wants its candy, and if I don't hand it over, it's going to make everything more annoying, more painful, more depressing, more infuriating. It's going to break me down until I fall apart and give in. It always does.

    No kind words soothe it, nor any joy supplant it. It must simply be fought, and I fought today. I lost on so many other fronts, I ceded ground to it where I did not want to, but I did not give in. I did not surrender. I fucking beat it. It left me in pieces, but I didn't drink and I didn't turn back to the pipe, or worse.

    Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go lick my wounds for a bit and try to piece my brave face back together after metaphorically throwing it against the wall and screaming "HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT SHIT!?!" to anyone who could hear.

    I love you all.
     
  13. TinyWerewolf

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    This just proves how strong of a woman you are, not giving in like that. There will probably be more days where you have to fight in the future but you've already done it once and you can do it again. I'm proud of you, you can do this!
     
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  14. DragonChaser

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    Thank you, Jack. It's wonderful to hear such supportive words after such a trying day. I should be more proud that I made it. I'm sure that'll kick in with time, but for now, I'm going to bed. I've got a double tomorrow and 8 o'clock comes pretty darn quick.

    To lighten the mood, here's this:

     
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  15. Mihael

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    I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. I don't know what to say, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you to stay strong.
     
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  16. DragonChaser

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    'Scuse me, just blowing the dust off here...

    First: Thank you, @Mihael! I very much appreciate your kindness! Now, on to me whining about my existence, ad naseum! It follows:

    I've been failing to meet a lot of my personal goals and am now haunted by old demons I'd thought I'd defeated.

    Good news is I'm on my way to getting a car, bad news is oh fuck everything is falling apart and now I've got to scramble to fix it when all I want is for this to be over now!

    Also... well, there's the drink. It... hasn't been entirely absent...

    Admitting that is so hard. The guilt and shame is extreme. And it doesn't control my every waking moment. But it did. And it can.

    Lady Lydia has slipped from her perch. I'm not sure what's next. I have to get my life together. I hate to admit how scared I am.

    I don't know what else to say right now. I'm not in my right mind. Also, I just admitted something I was going to hide forever and I don't want to think about it anymore right now.

    Sorry. Having a moment. Rebooting. Please wait...
     
  17. Cold

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    nothing can stop your soul but maybe your mind, your life teaches you what you need to be greater than this you are and give you something better than you have, the best gift you can earn by your life is "love" sorry if I told you honestly, yes you need a real love, you might ask how I can say it, yes because somehow I can imagine you,

    nobody can waste his time or life because his soul is in a challenge with his mind and of course at last the soul will win because soul has something upper the same imagination, yes you can imagine you can be very better than who you are,

    indeed imagination is only power and privilege which a soul or the same your real existence has, apply your most power talent the same imagination, I did it and won somethings in life, anyway.
     
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  18. TinyWerewolf

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    You're extremely brave to admit that you had a relapse, and it's ok to be afraid- that's a good sign because you know you don't want to go back to alcohol being in control. Tomorrow is a good day to start over again. But if you don't mind me asking, what caused the desire to drink? I hope it wasn't anything I said.
     
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  19. DragonChaser

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    No! No, no, no, dear, it's not you! It's nothing anyone said or did! It's my own devils; my own weaknesses...

    Truthfully, if I had a sweet-hearted and sympathetic friend like you at my side, playing Super Mario World or Donkey Kong Country while we chatted and possibly cuddled with a nice warm blanket, I'd have little need of these dangerous and stupid coping methods.

    I will have that some day, I know, but for now, that zombie inside me snaps its teeth at my neck. I abuse myself to forget that sound - that horrible clicking...

    I'm a survivor, though. Someone, please, just toss me a knife so I can brain this geek and get on with my life, eh?

    Someone? Anyone...?
     
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  20. chicodeoro

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    Hey Lydia, sorry to hear you're going through a bad patch. Are you drinking on your own, rather than, say, 'socially'? I think you know that that's a bad idea.

    But hey, recovery - from mental anguish, addiction, trauma or, well, anything - is never a single linear upward line - there are going to be jagged points en route. And that's ok. As long as though jagged points don't keep on plunging downward...

    Whatever, know that you have a sister here in London who's rooting for you and loads of support on EC any time you need it.

    Hugs, Beth x
     
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