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Spilled the Beans to Married Friend

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by happy, Jan 8, 2011.

  1. happy

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    My married girl friend had been kissing me on the lips for about a year now. I ended up developing feelings for her. I thought it was odd that she was kissing me on the lips.

    So, I told her yesterday that when we kiss on the lips, I like it. Too much. That I have feelings for her. That I realized this wasn't good, b/c she's my friend, and that's she's unavailable, and that my feelings are in check (which is true - I worked very hard to put myself in check when I realized what was going on. Wanted the friendship and knew she was married).

    She asked why I was telling her, and I said I felt it was the right thing to do, out of honesty for the friendship. Plus, she keeps kissing me on the lips. Which is an intimate act. And I feel that doing something intimate like that needs to be done by two people with the same intentions. And out of respect, and I needed to tell her what was going on. That it was causing feelings on my part. That I felt there may be a different set of intentions involved. I respect her too much to do something intimate with her, and feel I have one set of intentions she another. Not fair to her (although this may not be the case, I don't know - but I left that unsaid).

    She asked if I had romantic feelings for her. I dodged that question. I responded by saying I wanted to kiss her because I felt I wanted to be close to her. (Not sure this was the best response, it's just what I did.) I didn't really like this question by her. Not sure why. I suppose it's an honest question. Maybe you all can help me with this one.

    She didn't really have much to say. She thanked me for sharing, that I did need to tell her. But didn't say why. She said she needed time to think about this. I felt she was stunned by what I shared. This somewhat surprised me b/c she has initiated everything. We are 20 yrs apart in age. She said she was not going to share this with her husband. That there needed to be trust between us with our friendship. I made it clear I have no interest in a rlx. Just needed to be honest, that lip kissing was causing an issue. That she can ask me anything she needs to, we can discuss this further, she can say anything she needs to say. I am open to talking about this however she needs to talk about this. I also said I felt really awful about this b/c she's my dear friend, and I am in her life for the friendship.

    I haven't heard from her since. I don't expect to hear from her for a few days, probably.

    Any thoughts about this? Her response to my declaration? ugh.
     
    #1 happy, Jan 8, 2011
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2011
  2. silverhalo

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    Aww congratulations on going through with it. Try not to worry too much about how she will react or about what you have done, like you said it will probably take a few days for her think through what you have said and respond to you. It is easy however in this time to dream up worst case scenarios and overanalyse what has gone before, just remind yourself that you were feeling uncomfortable before in the situation and you told her in a respectful way.
    We will all keep our fingers crossed for you but im sure it will have a positive outcome.

    Do you feel better for getting it off your chest?
     
  3. happy

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    Hi Silver.

    Thank you greatly for your thoughtful response - and for responding! ugh. These situations, esp. with friends (and this is my dear life friend), seem to hit you in the soul. So feedback helps so much. Simply having something to read helps.

    Yes, I do feel much better having said something. And, I do feel I shared this in a very respectful, thoughtful way. I didn't ask for anything from her (did not ask for a response - so I'm a bit confused as to what she has to think about, will say), I put this in the context of the friendship as best I could.

    While my mind feels more clear, and I feel happier and lighter (good things), my stomach is in knots. I deeply love this person as a friend. I feel horrible having placed a burden on them.

    Again, thx Silver.
     
  4. silverhalo

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    Its always worse with friends, the problem is the closer the friend the more you possibly stand to lose. I found that when I came out, some of my closest friends were the hardest to tell, compared to near strangers that I was only just getting to know, and not because my close friends were homophobic or anything, its just someone you have recently met, if they do react badly well you didnt know them that well. A lifetime friend however you dont want to ruin a friendship like that.

    I dont want to make you think you have ruined it you havent, I think you did completely the right thing, im sure some of the other EC members will have some better advice and comfort for you, they are much better than me, but I try and help where I can.

    Your friend probably needs to take in what you said, you know you found it difficult to answer her question about romantic feeling and you said you didnt know why she was asking, so she probably just needs a little time to digest what you have said.

    Do try and not worry though, I know at times like these time can seem to pass so slowly hour feel like days, days feel like weeks and months.

    Im always here if you want to talk about this or anything else, either in a thread or you can post on my wall. You are never alone.