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Son came out as trans

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by Purple Rabbit, May 3, 2015.

  1. Purple Rabbit

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    My son came out as trans this evening. He told me that he is comming out to everyone tomorrow and he wanted me to be the first to know. I wasn't hugely suprised beause he always acted like a boy, I just never really thought about it. I don't know if I'm meant to do anything about it. For example the school still has him down as female, should I ask for that to be changed? I'm also worried that people won't accept him. I think he is brave doing this and I encouraged him but there will be people who won't accpet him for who he is and others who will still see him as a girl, it is even strange to me to refer to him as a boy when I have been so used to calling him a girl. Also he can't have sex reassigment surgery for another 7 years at least, what can I do to make him feel more comfortable with his sex? And his name is a girl's name, ugh... there is so much to worry about.
    I might be otherthinking this but one of my friends is part of the LGBT community and when she came out she didn't recive much support from her family and it was very hard for her. I want to make my son as comfotable as possible.
     
  2. Chiroptera

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    Hey Purple Rabbit, welcome to EC,

    First of all, congratulations, you are an amazing mom, supporting your son! :grin:

    I don't have much experience with gender things (wait for someone more experienced to answer :slight_smile: ), but i think you should start slowly, like asking him if he wants you to call him using him a new name.

    You may also consider showing him this forum, it may be useful for him too.

    Remember, by accepting him, you have already done a really, really huge thing. Be proud of yourself.

    Hugs (*hug*)
     
  3. PatrickUK

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    You might want to take a look at these two websites as a starting point:
    Mermaids
    The home page for the Gender Identity Research and Education Society

    Also, take a look at this: The story of two transgender children - BBC News

    All of the links are to UK websites, so it's relevant to where you live.

    I think it's great that you are being supportive and you may find some useful information from Mermaids and Gires that will help you address this subject, including with the school. I understand Gires runs programs within the education sector.

    Some of our trans members may be able to help with the specifics.
     
  4. Im Hazel

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    He can unofficially choose a new name. I myself stalled for a long while over choosing my name, so don't rush that. It's annoying to adjust to a new name, so you don't want to do that twice. :slight_smile: You probably can't make the school change her sex/gender or name on their records, because it's usually linked to the details of the child. However, the school can alert all the staff to use a new name / pronouns and include your son in male / neutral groups where necessary / apropriate. Also, just continue being cool like this and your son will be fine. Just be tactful, and stuff.
     
  5. Invidia

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    First of all, I literally had to hold my heart reading your post. You are an amazing mother.
    Do all of those things, talk to the school, I think that will matter the world to him.
    Hazel is the first transgirl here, take her advice. You can begin by letting him choose his own new name. You can then start using it, among yourself, he in school I guess, in your extended family, and so on and so forth. Later, when you've the time, you can go and have it done legally.
    Is your son young? Why does he have to wait so long, I ask? Well, if he does, he might be experiencing or starting to experience body dysphoria, that is, feeling extremely uncomfortable with his body, and social dysphoria, when mislabelled. If/when (I don't want to use when, but it is very common) this hits him, make sure to be there for him when he wants a shoulder to cry on. Don't drag him out of bed to school if he's feeling really lousy one day. But also, if it seems it becomes uncontrollable, you might want to see a gender therapist. If he comes to that age where he starts developing breasts etc., make sure to talk to him about it and whether he might want a binder or similar.
    There's the lockerroom issue which I don't see a way round for now, unfortunately, but do talk to the school.
    I'm sorry if I'm worrying you, I just want you to be prepared to help your son if it hits someday.

    Again, you are just amazing. Good luck to you and your boy!,
    Lots of love

    ---------- Post added 4th May 2015 at 05:40 PM ----------

    PS. Taking him shopping for boxer shorts etc. could also mean a lot to him I think! Good luck!
     
  6. matiasz94

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    Let him take his time. It can be a really awkward thing knowing you are not who you presented as for most of your life. It will be up to him to figure name and everything else you might just want to ask and if he changes his name a time or two just roll with it the best you can. It may take him some time to adjust. I know pronouns can be an issue for some, but I really applaud you for jumping on that band wagon. There is a ftm youtube community one guy I think is good at relating to his audience is Chase: https://www.youtube.com/user/uppercaseCHASE1

    If he has enough courage to come out chances are he has good friends behind him that will back him up if need be so don't worry so much there are others that love your son. Transitioning is a process that can take years. Let him go at his pace, but just stand by his side. Ask him gently what his preferred name/pronouns are, how he is feeling if he has dysphoria (it can be a real downer sometimes.)

    If he chooses a name and pronoun change ask him if he would like you to email his teachers requesting a them to call him by such. At least for me school records having my birth info isn't too much of a bother right now it is only on the day to day base: in classrooms and with friends that being misgendered can be a pain.

    Being trans doesn't have to stop any future happiness or success if he doesn't let it. With a great mom like you I'm sure he will go far! :slight_smile:
     
  7. Reciprocal

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    As a transgender kid, I want to say what a brilliant, accepting parent you seem to be. I can't give much advice but your son is lucky to have you :slight_smile:
     
  8. Matto_Corvo

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    You are such a brilliant and accepting mom.
    I can'tnreally give any advice that hasn't already been given
     
  9. BradThePug

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    It's awesome that you are being so supportive of your son. It can take some time to choose a name. It took me about a year to settle on my name. I asked my parents for some help with choosing a name too, since I wanted to choose a name that they would like. SRS is something that can happen down the road. For now, if he experiences bottom dysphoria, then he may try packing. This page talks a little bit about packing. Also, if he has dysphoria about his chest, a binder would be a good investment. It's important to get a good binder in the correct size, because otherwise it could do damage. A couple of good sites for binders are GC2B and underworks. (Underworks has an FTM section, if you search FTM underworks it will come up.) There are also a lot of threads here that could help you out :slight_smile:

    It will take some time to get used to seeing your child as male. It took my parents about a year before they started getting used to it. It is something that takes time. If your son goes to a good school, then they should have a system in place so that if somebody wants to go unofficially by a different name they can. I would contact the leadership of the school though. It is a good idea to keep them in the loop so if anything happens they can handle it.

    I don't think that you are overthinking things. You are concerned for you son, and that is a good thing. I think that it is awesome that you want to do what you can do to make your son comfortable :slight_smile:
     
  10. bi2me

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    I know some hospitals can do a type of hormone therapy that delays/stops puberty which i have heard makes it easier to pass. If your son hasn't started puberty yet (or is early in) you might want to look into it. I believe it would delay or avoid menses and breast development.
     
  11. Images and Words

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    Hiya! I'm really glad you're so supportive! I would say that you may perhaps want to change your son's gender on the school system. I asked the person in the office at my school if they could change my gender to read N/A :lol: (they couldn't) As for sex reassignment, I believe they can offer hormone therapy to delay puberty, which will mean no awkward boobs that guys don't really want :lol:
    Again, thanks for being so supportive! You're the best!
     
  12. Blakeee

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    Thank you so much for being supportive! Many parents would act negatively towards this so you're awesome for supporting him! (I don't have any advice, I just wanted to say that :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:)
     
  13. Sam I Am

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    I've heard of this too, and AFAIK more and more doctors are recommending it for trans kids. The meds can prevent your son from physiologically developing as female as he goes through puberty, making it much easier for male hormones to give him the body he deserves when he's old enough to start. If your health insurance covers it, I would take him to see a doctor who specializes in trans issues to help you and your son map out a plan for the next 7 years. The doc can also refer your son to a gender therapist, who can offer support and help for any rough patches that might come up for him.

    Good luck!
     
  14. PickaNameMom

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    Going through the same thing right now and just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. It sounds like you are doing a great job dealing with everything. I wish you, your son, and your family the best during the coming out and transition phases.
     
  15. shu

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    As someone with a very very un-accepting family, this made me tear up (in a good way)! I would suggest talking to your son's pediatrician/doctors, etc to see if he can be put on puberty blockers.

    Also, look into binders (safe ones! make sure the reviews are positive!), and clothes from the male section of stores!

    (^◇^)
     
  16. Invidia

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    ^Yes, this is a very good point, puberty blockers could be extremely important for him, he'd likely be thankful to you for life.
     
  17. tgboymom

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    Going through it now with an adult child. If we would have known, we would have done something at a younger age. As they get older, the obstacles become more challenging. Already there are small logistical nightmares like the name on investments and such. Such small things but when you add them up it can be harrowing especially when dealing with prejudiced professionals. It's better to do it before your son has the challenges of adulthood. I handle my child's matters like savings and insurances, stocks..... things like that. I'm trying to change things from the feminine to the chosen name on my own which is a challenge to do for an adult child but it's better that I be the one to encounter the resistance. Whatever you can get done now will take the pressure off of your son later.

    Good luck and God bless!