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Somewhere between bi and gay?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Leah061, May 22, 2018.

  1. Leah061

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    I'm not sure how to word this, but it's been on my mind a lot recently, and I guess I'd just like to know that I'm not the only person who's had this experience.

    Basically, I realized/accepted that I've always been attracted to women when I was 18. Even though I had moved from my conservative small town and was in an accepting place, it freaked me out. I thought I was bisexual, since I still thought I liked boys. That's where my confusion is now. But at that time, I really thought I could still be with men, and I decided that if I couldn't change my bisexuality, I could at least decide to only be with men, that way I'd never have to come out and I could live a "straight" life. I hooked up with a lot of guys that year, and I can't say that I felt nothing with them, but I knew that something wasn't quite right.

    I know that I'm attracted to women, although I still haven't been with one (four years after admitting it to myself). I feel like I need to actually date a woman to know for sure, but there have been so many days in the last year of my life that I really felt that I'm just gay rather than bi. The more I accept that I'm attracted to women, the more I realize that I may not actually like men. My problem is really just that I don't know if I can call myself gay, because I have felt some kind of feeling for some men at some times in my life, but I also feel like I might be too gay to call myself bisexual. I know bisexuality doesn't have to mean that I'm in the middle of the spectrum and that I can lean one way or the other, and I know that sexuality is fluid.

    I know sexuality is a spectrum and few people, if anyone, is 100% straight or gay. I know it's not uncommon for people who identify as gay to have experienced some degree of attraction for the opposite sex. What I'm wondering is to what degree do gay-identifying individuals feel that attraction for those of the opposite gender?
     
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  2. Destin

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    I don't know about other gay people, but for me I had a lot of attraction to the opposite gender and seven girlfriends. Mostly for physical reasons not emotional, but still, it was a pretty strong feeling of attraction. Once I started dating a guy though my attraction to girls decreased by a lot and I became way more interested in guys when I hadn't felt that way before. I'm still attracted to some girls, but not as much as before.
     
  3. Leah061

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    If you don't mind my asking, why did you decide to call yourself gay rather than bi if you're still attracted to some girls and if you were able to feel attraction for girls earlier in your life?
     
  4. Destin

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    I did think I was bisexual and that's what my account here said until about a month ago. To me the difference is the emotional side of it. I liked how girls looked and felt physically but was never really emotionally invested in the relationships. I couldn't ever say I was in love with any of my girlfriends, they were more like really good friends with benefits than someone I was romantically in love with. The girls I'm occasionally still attracted to are also just for physical reasons, I don't have 'crushes' on girls with all the emotions, only notice if they have nice breasts or whatever.

    With my boyfriend though there's such intense emotion involved in the relationship that I had never felt before with girls. All the romantic parts my old relationships didn't have exist very strongly with him. It was really confusing at first, and I needed to know if I felt that way with just him or with other guys too. So he agreed to let me experiment with a male friend to test it, and sure enough the emotions happened with my friend too.

    If I were really bisexual I should have been able to feel a physical and emotional connection to both genders, but I can't - the emotional part only exists with guys, so calling myself gay instead seems more accurate to me.
     
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  5. Gamer77

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    I am literally going through the same thing right now! I have those days too. I’m actually in a straight relationship. My boyfriend understands what I’m going through. We are very honest with each other. I have been looking for people to talk to about it.

    I’ve been going through this for a while now and I’ve come to the conclusion that I just need to make a decision. I guess I’m afraid that if I do leave my relationship and come out that I still won’t be happy. I don’t know what to do anymore
     
  6. Leah061

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    It's such a confusing time! Have you been with other women though? I know that I'm attracted to women, even though I've never even kissed a girl, but somehow I feel like it might clear things up.
     
  7. Limiteded

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    I’m going through same dalema. My guess would be a full emotional and sexual attraction to the same sex would answer everything....maybe?
     
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  8. Gamer77

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    I have. I’ve causally dated 1 women. It’s was more like friends with benefits. Other than that it was more of a one time thing. But I feel myself wanting more. I think about actually being in a relationship with a women a lot.
     
  9. spartafc

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    Some background: I came out as gay in my early 20's (I'm 47 now), then was like, wait, no, that's not right, I'm bisexual. After repressing my attractions to men throughout my marriage (my ex knew I identified as bi when we got married), I began to suspect that I was more like a Kinsey 4 or 5 than a 1 or 2 a few years ago. I came out again as gay early this year after the divorce was final.

    And yet, the attractions to women never actually went away -- but I'm not sure if the attraction is romantic or just sexual. I also don't feel like the label bisexual fit any longer, simply because I associate it with acknowledging to an extent that I had same-sex attractions, but also being in denial about how queer I actually was.

    So basically, I hear you. I'm not sure I still identify as gay or just as queer (which is a term I'm not particularly fond of). That being said, coming out as "gay" earlier this year still was really important to me, because it was a (semi-)public statement that helped me accept myself.
     
    #9 spartafc, May 24, 2018
    Last edited: May 24, 2018
  10. Gamer77

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    That’s great. It’s nice to hear how other people came out or how they figured out their feelings.
     
  11. Leah061

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    So it didn't completely clear things up for you? How did your relationship with her compare to your feelings for men?
     
  12. Gamer77

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    Well, it wasn’t the fact that she was a woman I just didn’t like her personality enough to actually be in a relationship. There’s one woman in my life that I would consider being with. But she’s taken. She’s knows how I feel about her and she drives me nuts because she knows how I feel. She thinks it’s funny to torment me.
     
  13. Leah061

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    I don't mean to get too personal here, I've just always wondered (since I've never kissed a girl) if the first time you're physical with a girl makes you realize something about sexuality that you hadn't before. Was it different from when you were with guys?
     
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  14. Gamer77

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    It was more intense being with a woman. I realized that I was right. That I liked it a lot. I haven’t been with one for a while. And I miss it. It made me really happy.
     
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  15. Leah061

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    Do you feel anything comparable with men?
     
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  16. Gamer77

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    When my boyfriend and I first got together. We had fantastic sex. Even then I still felt the way I do now but not as intense. Sorry for the dirt talk but he’s the only guys that’s ever made me organism from intercourse. Thanks for bringing that up. I feel like it’s another sign that I might be more gay than I thought.
     
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  17. Leah061

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    I just wonder sometimes if the reason I didn't particularly like having sex with men was because of the guy being bad in bed, the situation (like, maybe I needed to feel more emotionally connected to the guy) or if it might be due to the fact that I just prefer women. In all of my self reflection over my sexuality, I've realized that I have deeper issues in relationships, romantically and broadly speaking. For example, I tend to idealize people and situations so that when it finally happens in reality, it's never as good as it was in my head. It scares me because I'm afraid that if I ever actually get to be with a woman, and it doesn't go well, it might mean that my sexuality was never the problem, and I really just have all of these issues with intimacy, and that I've just been crazy to have all of these feelings for women. Sometimes I feel like I'm subconsciously holding on to that fear so I can feel tell myself I'm just straight so that I can stop tormenting myself over all of these confusing feelings.

    Sorry for the long reply, I'm just so frustrated that I don't know what to call myself yet!
     
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  18. Limiteded

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    I’m just wondering when I am finally with a guy with that make the idea get out of my head I could never be attracted to women again. I’m no brad Pitt by any means but at same time I’ve never had to struggle to have an attractive female. Just wondering if i was extreamly unattractive and never had much luck with girls if that would make things clearer.
     
    #18 Limiteded, May 24, 2018
    Last edited by a moderator: May 24, 2018
  19. Gamer77

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    I feel the same way about feeling like I’m crazy. It’s really tiring.
     
  20. Gamer77

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    I totally get it! I am tired of it. I just need to make a decision. Just f it all. If I’m wrong then I’ll learn from it. It’s going to be hard and I know I’m going to hurt someone who’s very special to me. But I’m driving myself crazy. You should do the same...haha
     
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