Sometimes I just feel like shit and I need to vent, so that's what this is

I just need to rant or something, this probably won't even be related to any of the other stuff I've made posts about here in the past.

I've been feeling like shit lately. I just don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do with my life. I really don't even know where to start because there are so many things that have been bothering me lately.

I guess I'll just say that I'm 22 years old and I just graduated from college this past spring and have been looking for a job with my degree, though I haven't been putting in much effort. Even before Covid I never had any luck finding a job or internship in the field I went to school for. I know it probably sounds stupid, but I'm not even sure if I want a job in that area despite going to school for that for 3-4 years. I think I just chose this major because it seemed somewhat interesting, but also pretty easy, not to mention it required almost no math which is one of, if not my least favorite subjects. I know not everyone loves their job, but I don't know if I could handle a "normal" job. For that reason, I think I have basically no motivation to find a new job even thought I don't really like the job I have now. I don't think there is really anything I feel "passionate" about, maybe a couple of things, but they're not really something I can turn into a career, they're more just hobbies. I'm kind of a lazy piece of shit, and I don't know if I can handle a job. Something about the idea of having to go to work nearly every day for the rest of my life just so I can afford to keep myself alive just seems so depressing to me. Not to mention that I feel incredibly irresponsible and immature for my age. I still live at home, but my parents are charging me rent (I'm kind of behind, not because I can't afford it I just haven't paid them yet.) I don't even feel like I will be able to manage living on my own, not to mention that if I do move out I'll most likely have basically no human interaction outside of work where I already barely talk to anyone.

I guess this leads into my next point is that I'm a huge loser. I don't really have any hobbies or friends anymore, and the only way I've every really met people or made friends, was in school and now that's over so I just feel like I'll never have a social life again, not that I really had much of one before. I've always been a bit socially awkward and felt uncomfortable in a lot of social situations. In high school I had a pretty close group of a few friends, but in the last couple years we've all stopped hanging out as much besides my one friend that I've talked about in my other posts, we still get together whenever we can. This sort of leads me to worry that I'll feel lonely forever.

This is where it sort of ties into my other posts that I've made on the forums here. My one friend that I still hang out with somewhat regularly have fooled around a few times. He's actually the reason I started questioning my sexuality much more seriously. Since all this has happened he's mentioned that he thinks we would make a good couple, and I think I want to try, but I worry about some stuff. I don't want it to be awkward or somehow fuck up our friendship as he seems like the only real friend I have left.

I don't really know how to end this so I guess I'll just say that I've been feeling a bit depressed lately and I don't really know what to do. It's not all the time, but there are days where I just feel miserable, like I'll never be very happy. I don't think I'm suicidal, just a bit indifferent when it comes to being alive if that makes sense. I don't mean to get to dark, I don't think I want to kill myself, but there are some days where I wouldn't really care that much if I didn't wake up the next morning. I also don't really know how to talk about any of this stuff with anyone in person, I just sort of keep it to myself and end up spending a large percentage of my time thinking about it. I think that's why there's something cathartic about venting anonymously on the internet.

Anyways, thanks if you took the time to read all of this. I don't want anyone to feel like they need to respond, but I'd appreciate any advice if anyone has any as I don't know where to go or what to do with my life from here.

 

Thanks for the reply. I just worry I don't have the motivation to actually figure out what I want to do with my life. It was a little awkward for me the first couple times my friend and I messed around a little, but I think I was starting to get used to it. Now that we haven't seen each other in a while I think I kind of miss it. I guess I wish he was here. I know I'm not sure of myself, so maybe it isn't a good idea to try anything, but I think I want to, and I worry that this might be the only chance I get with him, and as far as I can tell he's the only person I've ever felt like this about.

 

I do think I tend to worry too much. I think my issue is that all my life, I've only ever gone to school, that's how I've made friends and and now that that's over I feel like I don't know what to do. I feel very unprepared and immature for my age. I know nothing is irreversible, but I also know I'm not a very motivated person. I worry I might just settle in to whatever it is I end up doing and never really try anything else. I feel like I might just be afraid of making mistakes even though it might not matter that much if I do. To be honest I wonder if it was a mistake to even go with my major. I don't really know if I even want a job in that field. Because of all of this I don't know if it's really a good time to be looking for a relationship or anything even though the only person I can really see myself with at the moment is my friend, but maybe that's just because there's no one I've really ever been this close with. I guess I just feel like this might be the only chance I have with him.

 

I don't really feel like completing my major was much of an achievement, to be honest I didn't put that much effort in. I guess I know that I don't have to get a job related to my major, but I just feel like I'll try to get a job with my major, but then I'll just stick with it because I'll never feel motivated enough to try anything else. I definitely have self confidence issues. I tried seeing a therapist and my mom thinks I should see a life coach or maybe get on some type of medication, but I just don't know if I want to. I don't really like the idea of having to take a pill to feel "normal". I should probably socialize more, but I think I also have some type of social anxiety that makes it hard for me to feel comfortable around people I don't know well. Not to mention this whole pandemic means I can't really go out and do anything anyways.