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Something is off.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by fadedstar, Dec 9, 2017.

  1. fadedstar

    fadedstar Guest

    I came out to my parents about 4 years ago as bisexual and ever since then I've gotten the impression that they don't really care about me any more.

    My mother told me she was accepting and didn't care who I slept with (kind of missing the point but good enough I thought.) For a while afterwards she was very cold and non-communicative having occasional crying fits. This is not unusual for her, she has never been a particularly warm person, but I thought she might warm up a bit more eventually.. instead she seems to have dissociated a bit and acts as though that part of me doesn't exist. She had issues before but they seem to have intensified since. I think my stepfather feels alienated/threatened by my new found identity. He has been acting strange lately, flying into rages about inconsequential things and blaming me for things that are not my fault. My sister and me used to be fairly close and would talk often, now however she seems to be avoiding me at all costs and is becoming more like them. I never actually came out to her but I think she suspects something. I think she resents me now.

    There is also the fact that I actually tried to come out 10 years ago (in my mid teens as questioning) and was met with total denial and a total lack of support. Interestingly it's around that time that I was hit with the first wave of major depression that has dogged my life ever since.

    Perhaps it has nothing to do with my identity and more to do with my age and low social status. I'm an adult still living at home.

    I get the feeling that if I was ever to have an lgbt partner or even just lgbt friends in real life who came to visit me here, there would be hell to pay. Maybe my family would just make things awkward in subtle ways and not be really obvious about it.

    What's strange about all this is they portray themselves to be fairly liberal and progressive.

    I would be lying if I said I didn't feel slightly resentful, but they did kind of steal my youth by making my life more difficult than was really necessary.

    I'm considering leaving home which would ultimately mean ending up homeless as I have few contacts and no money. Yes, in winter just before Christmas. The alternative seems to be finding a temporary job and possibly somewhere I can work on Christmas day, if such jobs exist as I don't want to be around these people any more. I've toyed with the idea of staying with extended family, but they're all pretty distant and unreliable these days. I also don't want to be a burden. I don't know what to do.
     
    #1 fadedstar, Dec 9, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 9, 2017
  2. Gravity

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    Without knowing your family, it's hard to say what they're thinking, but it does seem like there's more to be resolved here, one way or another. This may be a conversation you need to continue, with your parents as well as with your sister (coming out is often the beginning of a process, especially with family; not the end of one). But you may also be right that getting your own place would help give you some space here.

    Of course, I wouldn't recommend leaving home without anywhere to go, or any way to support yourself. I would start by looking for at least some part time work - something where you'll be able to say "I make X much per month" to have an idea of what you can contribute, either to your own place or to someone you'd be staying with. You might eventually find a roommate, or find a friend or extended family member who would be happy to take you on as a roommate. But unless you're in danger of actual harm, I wouldn't leave without something like this in place.

    Why do you feel like you would be a burden?
     
  3. Glitters

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    It sounds like you have a very dysfunctional family. I definitely believe you and your family should be seeing a psychiatrist. Problems like these don't go away on your own. The issue isn't your sexuality.
     
  4. fadedstar

    fadedstar Guest

    I don't disagree with you there.

    The trouble is I don't really have any control over what they do, it's up to them. I could see a therapist but you can't help people who don't want to help themselves.

    Maybe it is, maybe it isn't, I often feel uncomfortable around them though, and I can't help but wonder if that's because I make them uncomfortable.
     
  5. fadedstar

    fadedstar Guest

    Because I would be making people who I don't see very often change their probably already well established holiday plans out of sympathy.
     
    #5 fadedstar, Dec 14, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 14, 2017
  6. Glitters

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    It's good that you are rational about your situation. If your family isn't in the position to want to get help, then I do suggest focusing on yourself. As you said, you can't help them if they aren't willing to accept it. Don't leave your home if you really do believe you'll end up homeless. But do try moving out as soon as you can. It isn't healthy for you or your state of mind to be in the situation that you are in. The longer you are exposed to this kind of behavior, the harder it will be for you.
     
  7. Gravity

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    Agreed with Glitters 100%.

    Also, it may be the case that someone changes their holiday plans to bring you into the picture. But what if they want to do that? What if they're perfectly willing? It would be in the spirit of the season, after all, wouldn't it? Basically, don't make the decision not to help you *for* other people. If you need the help - and it sounds like you do - give them the chance to say "yes" if that's what they want. :slight_smile: