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Something I'd sort of forgotten about.

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by skloorrpt, May 12, 2020.

  1. skloorrpt

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    This is something I hadn't really thought about until a couple of days ago. I can remember when I first had the sex talk with my dad. I guess my initial reaction was something along the lines of "that's a little weird, seems awkward, don't know if I'm into that." I don't think it's that abnormal for someone who was my age. I was maybe around 11 or 12, don't remember exactly. The thing is I'm not sure if my views have ever really changed that much or not.

    Anyways for a few years after that, my dad would occasionally ask me "So, do you like girls yet?" I suppose I always brushed the question off and kind of avoided the conversation because I found it awkward, and to be honest I guess I wasn't really sure if I did.

    At some point, maybe 14-15, I started watching porn, and I figured that meant that I did like women, because it was always straight stuff. I still never said anything to my dad even if he asked. I guess I just didn't like the idea of talking about it with him. Obviously, to this day my sexuality is a little weird to me and I don't really understand it. I guess I just wonder if this was some sort of early sign that I might not be straight. This is just sort of something that I was thinking about recently, and I don't know if I ever really made the connection or if it's even related.
     
  2. BiGemini87

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    I wish I could say for sure whether there's any relation there, or not. I don't recall your answer from your previous thread, but when you see people, do you experience sexual attraction at all? It's one thing to become aroused by porn (that's its function, after all, regardless of orientation) but I mean, have you ever felt that way about a person? I remember you mentioning that you're drawn to your one friend (the one you've confided in) but there are different kinds of draw. Yours sounds largely emotional with some physical (differentiating between physical and sexual draw, because there does seem to be a degree of separation; you can be physically drawn to someone without being aroused at their nearness).

    I think this is something that will eventually sort itself out in time. I'm sure the way things are right now makes it a bit difficult, but hopefully they also provide some much-needed personal reflection time.
     
    #2 BiGemini87, May 12, 2020
    Last edited: May 12, 2020
  3. skloorrpt

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    @BiGemini87

    I'm not entirely sure if I do. I can look at people and realize that they look good. I don't think I've ever looked at someone and wanted to have sex with them just because of physical appearance. I'm not sure if I really have for any reason to be honest, and it worries . I don't know why that is, I think there could be a few reasons. The first is that maybe I am just gay and have sort of repressed that because of how I was raised and I never realized until now. I wonder if it's just social anxiety or self esteem issues. I don't know many people and I haven't really ever gotten comfortable enough with someone, or built up the confidence to do anything with anyone.

    I hope it sorts itself out soon. I kind of feel like I'm waiting to have some kind of epiphany, but I don't think that's how it's going to happen. I'm getting a little sick of waiting, I kind of feel like this is all I ever think about lately.
     
  4. LostInDaydreams

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    In what sense do you feel that you are waiting? Could you just get to know people and follow your attractions as they come?
     
  5. skloorrpt

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    I feel like I'm waiting for some big "aha" moment where everything suddenly makes sense and I realize that I've been gay the whole time.
    I have a hard time getting to know people. I think I have some pretty bad social anxiety issues. I'm a little worried meeting people is going to get harder for me now that I'm done with school. Not to mention that I can't go out and meet people right now anyways.
     
  6. LostInDaydreams

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    Ok. I can only speak for myself...but I didn’t have a big “aha” moment. From first suspecting to really acknowledging took around 18 moments, so there were lots of smaller moments.

    Would you consider going to see a therapist? They could also help with the social anxiety.
     
  7. skloorrpt

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    I don't think that's going to be how it works for me either. I'd guess it's probably going to be process of getting used to the idea I might not be straight until I can accept it if I need to. I just wonder how long that's going to take.

    I have been thinking about going to some type of counseling or therapy, but I don't really know how to look for someone who would be a good fit. I tried going to one, but I only went to one meeting with her. I don't think she would've been a good fit because of something she said in the meeting. I guess if therapy is comfortable, it's probably not working right, but I don't think she was a good fit for me.
     
  8. LostInDaydreams

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    I think you should feel comfortable in therapy because you need to be completely honest, but the conversation itself will at times probably be uncomfortable.

    Not everyone gets the right therapist the first time. Is there an online directory that you can look through?
     
  9. skloorrpt

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    I think I'm probably going to try to get some help somehow. I'm not sure how easy it's going to be with the current state of things. I doubt I'll even be able to meet in person.
    Another thing that concerns me is that I'm still living with my parents and I rely on them a lot still. I have a little trouble bringing up the fact that I'd like to see a therapist. I really don't want them to know about the fact that I'm questioning my sexual orientation, so having to be at home for meetings might be an issue.
     
  10. LostInDaydreams

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    Yes, I understand. I’ve recently returned to therapy and I’m seeing her via FaceTime. I’m still working and have a car though, so it’s not too difficult for me to get away.

    Would you be relying on them to fund therapy? If so, maybe a support group would be an idea. Some of them are moving services online.
     
    #10 LostInDaydreams, May 14, 2020
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  11. skloorrpt

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    I'd be relying on them to fund it, but they would do it. My mom has brought it up before, fairly recently actually, so I don't think that would be an issue. The main thing is that I don't want them to know that one of the reasons I want to go is my sexuality.
     
  12. LostInDaydreams

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    You don’t need to tell them that part. :slight_smile: