1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Somedays

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Poofter, Jun 29, 2019.

  1. Poofter

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 31, 2019
    Messages:
    321
    Likes Received:
    155
    Location:
    Council Bluffs, iowa
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    It amazes me how some days I am so confident and joyful. I love myself and who I am. And other days it’s a chore to get out of the bunk and get the rig pointed down the road. The times of self hating, the times of second guessing myself, the times when it seems the whole world is against me. But day by day. I learn to be me a little bit more, I learn that I am who I am and that’s ok. But some days the struggle is real.

    Lena Horne said “It’s not the load that breaks you down, it’s how you carry it.”

    I am constantly trying to find new ways to carry it so my down days get fewer. I had a bit of an outburst yesterday picking up my kids from their mother, it was uncalled for, unnecessary, and just plain wrong on my part. But I was already down for the day. It was just a twig that broke the camels hump. Amends made and all is good with our friendship. But I ask this.

    As a 40+ crowd dude, does it get easier? I feel coming out was the only way for me, and I also feel it was the right decision. I couldn’t imagine not being me. But after 40years of being a straight guy, and then in 2 straight marriages. If feels damn near impossible to start a new life somedays. Especially this late in life.

    I really appreciate EC in all the support here. Thanks for letting me vent some. Y’all are awesome and the advice is always appreciated.
     
    Danabutton and smee like this.
  2. smee

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2016
    Messages:
    152
    Likes Received:
    34
    Location:
    Southern US
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Liked, because I have nothing to add. I think I'm close to turning the corner, but I don't want to say anything until it's done.
     
    Poofter likes this.
  3. Poofter

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 31, 2019
    Messages:
    321
    Likes Received:
    155
    Location:
    Council Bluffs, iowa
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I understand, don’t want to jinx it.
     
    smee likes this.
  4. smee

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2016
    Messages:
    152
    Likes Received:
    34
    Location:
    Southern US
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    (Shh! Be quiet, don't let it know we're here!) :slight_smile:
     
    Poofter likes this.
  5. Poofter

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 31, 2019
    Messages:
    321
    Likes Received:
    155
    Location:
    Council Bluffs, iowa
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    :joy::joy::joy:
     
  6. Mirko

    Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 26, 2008
    Messages:
    18,522
    Likes Received:
    2,728
    Location:
    Northern Hemisphere
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Venting is always good. :slight_smile:

    It is never too late to start living the life, where you can be your true self. Sometimes, it takes some time before things start to make sense or some questions that might have popped up earlier and never found an answer, but do now.

    Letting go of internalised homophobia, fears and self-doubt is a process. As you continue being yourself, and joy the new possibilities you will likely find that the contrasting feelings will disappear.
     
    Poofter likes this.
  7. greatwhale

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2013
    Messages:
    6,582
    Likes Received:
    411
    Location:
    Montreal
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Nietzsche would advise us all to embrace "amor fati" or, the love of one`s fate, no matter what that fate is. In other words, in his thought-experiment, if your life were to somehow recur eternally, would you want to live your life again exactly as you are living it now? Would you love that eternally recurring life? If such an eternally recurring life were possible, what would you then do in the present moment to make that life one that you would want to live, over and over?

    The past, that is, our memory, is something we are continuously re-creating in the present. Memory is an event that is happening in the present, with all its biases and blind spots. Perhaps that is the load you are carrying, the one we call regret, or the burden of uncertainty. But maybe, just maybe, we may dare to ask: what if there were no mistakes? What if you were meant to live your life exactly as it is unfolding, from moment to moment? What if all of your energy and focus were placed not in rumination but on a crystal-clear focus on what you are able to do now, in this moment, to create a life and a fate worthy of your love?
     
    Danabutton, Mirko and Poofter like this.
  8. Poofter

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 31, 2019
    Messages:
    321
    Likes Received:
    155
    Location:
    Council Bluffs, iowa
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Wow that gets a little deep. Maybe I am on the exact path I should be on. And got here exactly how I should of. As I said I’m on the right path. It’s just relearning things. It’s like someone with a TBI has to relearn life functions. It’s much the same when you have trained yourself to live one way for so long, you have to learn to do it a different way. And while that way feels right, your clumsy and you fall down a lot like an infant trying to learn to walk...but at 40. I dunno it just hit me bad the other day. But we dusted off and are burning bright today.
     
  9. greatwhale

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2013
    Messages:
    6,582
    Likes Received:
    411
    Location:
    Montreal
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    All learning is a little death, isn’t it? Paradigm shifts, uncomfortable truths, cognitive dissonance, all the mourning one goes through by the abandonment of erroneous assumptions and false beliefs, it can be trying.
    Beginnings are hard, but the human spirit strives anyway, because there is no better way than the truth, however difficult it may seem.
     
    Poofter and Danabutton like this.
  10. brainwashed

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2014
    Messages:
    2,115
    Likes Received:
    469
    Location:
    Phoenix, AZ
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I've been at this process for some time now. Recently (within the last 3 to 4 weeks) I've made two major observations. Both observations have stunned me.

    The first was a felling of absolute and total bliss. I FELT total acceptance that I am gay and ALL PAST WRONGS & HURT DID NOT MATTER. I said to myself, ~"holly shit" this feels good. I sat down and enjoyed the feeling(s).

    The second feeling was total 100% acceptance that living with a guy, a guy I was in to, a guy who complemented me, a guy I could joke with, a guy I could be intimate with was all ok, perfectly natural and this is what I wanted going forward. Again I sat down, reflected a bit and said to myself I'VE NEVER SAID THIS TO MYSELF, EVER. (I've never wanted to live with a girl so I've never wanted to live with anyone.) .

    So I will close, there are ups and downs but ahead, around the corner, there may be attainment of pure bliss and hope. It's starting to happen for me - finally.
     
    Poofter likes this.
  11. Danabutton

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 9, 2018
    Messages:
    247
    Likes Received:
    76
    Location:
    Baltimore
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I can relate as well...40+ and still trying to figure myself out...
    The confidence factor is huge as well; I lack confidence in all of my past straight relationships but when I start to come to terms with this other side of myself it feels like a volcano of suppressed feelings ready to pour forward.....
     
    Poofter likes this.
  12. Nickw

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2016
    Messages:
    2,335
    Likes Received:
    1,395
    Location:
    Out West
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    @Poofter

    I few months back, my wife and I had dinner with a 75 year old bisexual. He and his wife had been married for 40 ish years and had raised a couple children.

    His wife and he decided to divorce for reasons not related to his sexuality over 15 years ago but remain friends and still live together some of the time.

    In his sixties, he met a younger man. They've been together some ten years and are very happy. He told me he has had two lives within his one life and they have both been amazing.

    I think the trick is to avoid thinking of our past as wasted time. Sure, there are things we should have done. But, those years are what make us who we are. We can use these experiences as a way to build a better self going forward.

    There is no age to say "it's too late". We cannot know where life takes us or how incredible our lives can be.

    At sixty, I have a relationship with a man a generation younger. While I don't see this lasting forever, my life is so much richer, than I ever thought it could be at this time in my life.

    Look forward.
     
    Ladybird12, brainwashed and Poofter like this.
  13. Poofter

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 31, 2019
    Messages:
    321
    Likes Received:
    155
    Location:
    Council Bluffs, iowa
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Yeah, since I started coming out I cry more. Like I’m grieving my past sometimes. But I am so excited for my future.
     
    Danabutton likes this.
  14. Poofter

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 31, 2019
    Messages:
    321
    Likes Received:
    155
    Location:
    Council Bluffs, iowa
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Very well said, I really try to keep looking forward and stay positive about things. Some days just overwhelm me. I can’t wait to turn the corner and have one of those ah-ha moments.
     
  15. 1cgd

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 26, 2018
    Messages:
    104
    Likes Received:
    236
    Location:
    Midwest
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Some mornings — especially the 4-5 mornings a week i spend without my bf in my bed — I wake up still in fear of hiding in the closet and being outed, only to feel relief a moment later when I remember I took care of all this myself 6 months ago! The process is long, slow and never-ending, but it has gotten better and I’m confident it will continue to do so. You do you, and all will be well.
     
    Ladybird12 and Poofter like this.