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Some questions: bank accounts, college, jobs...

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by ErickWolf, May 6, 2018.

  1. ErickWolf

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    Ok so while I'd prefer to just wait until I'm 18 and get my own bank account, since I'm not out to my parents and don't plan to be till some time in college, what happens if they co-sign my account? My dad's parents are still on his, just because they're really close and it's for convenience and safety net measures in case either he or them need to access the account, which would be fine, but since he sees it as totally normal and doesn't have the potential slew of problems I would have regarding that kind of thing, I'm not sure I'll be able to get out of it. So there's that. At the moment I'm kind of clueless about some of these things, but this is the perfect place to ask these kinds of things, to people who will actually understand my issue.

    Second, college. A lot of questions. How it works, how it works for trans people, how involved are parents, etc. Housing, sports, scholarship, etc. Also college applications. I'm doing an early decision app to William and Mary, and I've already emailed and talked to someone there about housing and bathrooms, so that should be taken care of fairly easily, but I still have a lot of other questions and stuff about college in general.

    Sports (I'd be doing club or intramural). How are parents, legal crap, etc involved?

    Also, stuff like scholarships and money. My scholarship is mine right, not under my parents' control in any way? Like they might be accepting of me if I come out, they might not (wih them it's hard to tell, and it's smarter to err on the side of caution with this sort of thing), and if I were to come out in college, could they somehow cancel my scholarship or paid-for college? Dad's being in the military has gotten 60% paid for, but would I be stuck paying (or in debt for a while...) if they got pissed at me and stopped supporting me? It sounds crappy but again, I don't know anything about this kind of stuff.

    And jobs. Uh. Since my first job or few will probably be before I even start transitioning, I really need to know this stuff. I'll make it clear to my employer that I'm trans, and no way in hell will I pretend to be a girl in any way. So I need tips on how to job search when openly trans (I know people have to often do crap they don't want, and shouldn't have, to do, but the whole forcing myself to pretend not to be trans is crossing a serious line for me, I pass really well as a guy, and...just, no. I'd resort to scrounging on the floor or going or something instead). Also, I need tips in general about the kinds of places I could work, what to expect in general at a job, recommendations for job types or specific companies or whatever that are lgbt friendly, etc.

    In advance, thank you very much to whoever answers any of my questions. I'll feel a lot better actually knowing about this stuff, it's been bothering me for ages and obviously stuff like this is important; you can't exactly go around without a bank account or a job, and I'd rather not just waltz into college not really knowing what to expect, talk about stress+anxiety heart attack waiting to happen. I'd way rather know about all this stuff in advance than have to figure it out on the fly.
     
  2. ErickWolf

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    I know this is double posting but crap, I think I put this in the wrong place and I maybe should've put it in the General Advice section. Whoops.
     
  3. SomecallhimTim

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    I can't answer all of your questions but here is what I know:

    If your parents were to just cosign or be authorized signers on your account rather than being joint holders they would most likely not have access to it. Authorized signers can make withdrawals but they can't directly access your account. What problems might arise for you with having a parent cosign? Since I don't know what they are I can't give you any advice on how to get around them.

    Most colleges now will offer a gender neutral housing option and/or allow you to have a roommate who is the same gender as you rather than your sex assigned at birth. At my school I am trying to get a room with an attached bathroom instead of having to use the communal ones, but that's totally up to you and what you're comfortable with. It sounds like you have that figured out with one potential school at least, and in my experience it's pretty much that simple for all of them, just make sure they know your situation and they will help you out. It depends how close to home your school is, but generally parents are not involved very much at all once you actually start school. During the application/ selection process it depends on the family and how much they want to be involved. Some colleges will ask for parent contact information and send letters or emails, but it is usually not required and you can choose not to give it to them. If you go by a different name while at school they can put your preferred name on just about everything. If you don't want it to get back to your parents you could ask them to make a note not to use your preferred name on mail that goes to your home address. The policy with sports would probably depend on the school but that's not something I know a lot about. I haven't started college yet either but I have done a lot of research and I know what my friends and family have told me about their experience.

    Your scholarship money is awarded to you, so yes you will be able to keep it even if your parents withdraw support. There are some types of financial aid (like certain loans) that are awarded to the parent rather than the student but not a scholarship.

    Jobs can depend a lot on where you live. Look for the company's anti- discrimination policy to see whether they use trans-friendly language. If you can, ask people who already work at places you're looking at. As long as you are professional they most likely are not going to care how you present. Customer service jobs are not fun but they're not too difficult to get without experience. If you can find somewhere that seems to hire a lot of people close to your age that would be a good place to start. There are some companies (including Starbucks and Lowes) that will help you out some with college tuition so it might be good to do some research on those.

    I hope that some of this is helpful. If you have other questions I can try to help with those as well.
     
  4. ErickWolf

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    I think dad said they would just co-sign or be authorized signers, yeah.

    And luckily at the main college I'm looking at, they have a bunch of one-person, any-gender bathrooms with showers all over campus, as well as multiple flexible housing options, so hopefully housing shouldn't be too much of an issue, even if I were to be temporarily stuck in the wrong dorm (like due to availability of flexible housing and one person housing, though since I'd like to think a trans person-underclassman or not-would take priority over some upperclassman who just wants to have space or party or whatever, it might not even be an issue, but idk, my biggest concern is the showers; they have a roommate 'match' type of system so I could at least probably be with a roommate I'm comfortable with, and for privacy since it would be weird getting dressed and stuff in front of someone I don't know very well, I could put up one of those Japanese screen things I guess).

    Writing a note to not put my preferred name on stuff that goes to my parents sounds like a good idea, since as soon as I get into college, there will be no 'closet' except for being closeted to my parents. The college specifically has LGBT help stuff and good policies, including a policy where they actually expressly talk about how you have the right to be called by the correct name and pronouns, and while on some documents they have to stick with whatever your current legal stuff is (hardly a surprise, and it's not their fault, it's the law sadly. bleh. My legal crap will get changed some day anyway), on most stuff it's your correct name and pronouns.

    Honestly what I might do dorm-wise is, if this is possible and allowed and the college can help me, I can explain the situation and we can fake moving me into a female dorm, then after a short period of time, move me into a flexible or single person dorm. I don't think parents visit much or at all in college right, just to help you move in? And honestly if they don't like it it doesn't matter because I'm pretty sure it isn't their choice, I mean obviously from a 'how things should be' standpoint but also from, like, a rules standpoint; that they have no influence over your housing. Even if they do, for one thing they'll realize if I don't like it, they'll eventually have to drop the issue, and if anything, at least the bathroom situation would be taken care of. Thank god. I hate the idea of communal showers, and especially in the other gender's bathroom? I know I could joke that I'm that lucky guy that gets to be surrounded by ladies, but it would be for the wrong reason and it would be extremely awkward. I can't imagine living like that on a daily basis. It would be like a literal nightmare.

    Good news if I get a scholarship, then. Crappy news if I don't get a scholarship, but I'd rather know about it in advance rather than get an ugly surprise later on. I'd like to think that my parents wouldn't be so unreasonable and irrational as to ruin their successful kid's college dream, and basically in part ruin my life because there's not much you can do without a college education, or at least it seems like it. My mom should know firsthand too because while she did very well in school, she never got to go to college, and it's been very hard for her to find jobs, let alone jobs with a decent environment (some of her employers and coworkers were assholes at her old jobs) and decent pay. So hopefully they wouldn't. But, if my dogs (they're getting older...sigh), as well as anything of mine, is still at my parents' house when I'm in college, I'd wait to come out or start t to ensure I would still be allowed in the house. Again, I'd like to think anything so unreasonable and cruel as not allowing me to spend time with my dogs or get my things (more importantly, the dogs! I'd take most of my things with me and it's just material stuff, probably mainly junk, that I'd leave behind anyway), but you never know. Back to financial aid, luckily I don't think we'd do a loan, but then again I don't really have any clue at the moment.

    I might consider Lowe's since it's physical work and also involves fresh air and plants, and I like gardening, so it'll be a job I care about (don't get me wrong, I like coffee and I love Starbucks, but I'd feel so awkward working with people, at least until I'm transitioned; my voice sometimes helps me pass even now but imo it sounds...not good, not like I want it to sound anyway, it's a bit cracky sometimes. Sometimes it cooperates, other times it doesn't). I would also consider working at Dunkin Donuts, in the back baking stuff, if their environment is friendly enough, I love their food but idk anything about their working environment. Sheetz is right by my house and is supposedly a pretty good place to work, but idk if they have any jobs where I could avoid interacting with people. Lowe's or maybe a loading dock (though idk where those are or if they'd even be a good work environment for me, tbh; I'd like the workout but idk if the people who work there would be accepting or not; I feel like a lot of those places are mostly older guys for one thing, which might be kinda awkward). Lowe's sounds good though, I might check them out. I think this summer I'll give myself a break (this year has been pretty busy and kinda stressful, with all this stuff among other things weighing on me), and work the summer before college instead.

    But work-wise, is there such a thing as a job with no name tag or a job that allows you to have a preferred name on your name tag?

    Also, thanks for answering some of these! I honestly kinda thought this thread would go unanswered, but it's nice to have some reassurance on most of these things now. Good luck to you with college and work as well!
     
  5. SomecallhimTim

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    It sounds like you've pretty much got housing figured out if you go to that school, so that's good! I have no idea if they would be willing to fake moving you into a female dorm or not. I think a better bet might be applying for gender neutral housing or asking for a dorm with coed floors. And yeah changing in front of people you don't know can be awkward. I'm a theatre kid so I'm really used to it, but a screen might be a good idea in general just to have some separation. Communal showers are the worst. They should all be separate units so you won't have to interact with anyone too much, but still. If you're on a coed floor or even in a dorm that has all male and all female floors, you could always use the mens bathroom and shower facilities regardless of what part of the dorm you're in. I can't imagine the school would have a problem with that especially since they know your situation, and it's not something your parents would be able to find out about. And no, parents don't generally visit a lot. If you're really close to home they might, or they might want you do come home on weekends but if you're more than a few hours away they probably wouldn't.

    I work at a Lowes and my store at least is a pretty pleasant work environment. I got legal stuff done for name and gender about a month after I was hired and everyone's been cool about it. No problems whatsoever with management getting things changed. As far as I know most jobs will let you put a nickname or preferred name on your name tag. As long as it isn't anything offensive or super out there, they'll let you go by whatever is comfortable.

    There are quite a few scholarship contests for LGBT people

    It seems like you're very worried about your parents' reaction when you come out. Do you think it's very likely to be bad? Hopefully they will surprise you but if you're really worried it might be good to find some support before you tell them. Your college will probably have a group and resources for financial help if you end up needing it. Depending where you live there might be good local organizations as well. College health insurance policies are generally really good too so if you decided to start medical transition there's a good chance you would be covered. But yeah, if you really think that it's likely they might stop supporting you, it would be better to wait.

    Thank you! I have everything set up as much as I can for now, it's just waiting and worrying until I actually get there.
     
  6. ErickWolf

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    The bathrooms (regular ones as well as showers) shouldn't be a problem as long as I get into my first choice school or another one with the same situation (which reminds me of what's really at stake when I take the sat in a few weeks, I already took it in March and got a 1260...which is good but I got a 1300 on both practice tests, and I still need to do better to up my chances of getting in. That's a wake up call for me. I'm exhausted and running on fumes his entire year but if I can just stick it out for a few more weeks, I'll be able to relax during the summer knowing I'll have a better chance of getting into william and mary).

    That's good, it's not anything out there or offensive. Just a nickname, otherwise it'll hopefully legally be the Russian name I plan on getting it changed to (eventually it'll be Erick but in Russian class we all got Russian names as a fun thing we did at the beginning of first year, and I was named Zhenya, either bc my teacher has an inkling or out of pure good luck...Zhenya is a nickname for either gender so it's perfect, I can get my name changed to a guy name and my parents either won't make that connection or won't do anything about it, ha. It's also better than either being stuck with a female birth name for a few more years or randomly changing my name to some gender neutral name that has no real meaning for me and/or doesn't fit very well.) But if that's my legal name, well, everyone will have to deal with it lol. It's not like they can make me, or anyone else whose legal name is 'foreign' or whatever, 'Americanize' our names.

    With them I honestly don't know what to expect. They're definitely not the lgbt phobic religious freak types, but idk how accepting they would be of their kid being trans. Some of mom's best friends are gay, and so is my best friend, so she's cool with that and so is my dad, but the crappy and unfair way things tend to go is that it's fine, or somewhat fine-ish, for anyone...unless, omg God forbid, it's their own kis. Gasp! If I was gay they'd be fine with it, and the part about me being bi doesn't matter, but I still keep up the facade of being straight (technically, gay) because I don't want them to attribute my appearance to my sexuality or to not let girls come over. I like to think they wouldn't do that last part bc my friend is lesbian and we're very obviously not in a relationship, but whatever. Parents do weird shit sometimes.

    Basically once I'm fully independent, my crap is all out of their house, and as depressing as it is to say this...once I've said goodbye to my dogs (I'm most likely not coming out as long as they're alive, bc rejection by parents, temporarily or otherwise, is one thing, but potentially not being allowed to spend time with my beloved dogs would rip me to shreds and I would always regret it if my coming out was the reason I wasn't able to be there with them, sure it wouldn't be my fault because I wouldn't be the one rejecting my kid for being who he is, but if keeping my mouth shut is what it takes, I'll do it). Again, they're generally pretty chill and they know how much the dogs mean to me, and they're not unreasonable people. So it's hopefully pretty unlikely, but you never know, and this is a case where it's much better to be safe than sorry. But I don't look like a chick anymore, havent for a while now, and I've never naturally acted like one (and haven't tried to half heartedly fake it for quite some time) and I sure as hell won't look or act female, they've gotten mostly used to how I look and I think they understand by now that this is me. I'll be out to everyone in college except probably my parents.

    Maybe they'll approach me about it before then and it'll all be mostly fine. I have no idea. I think they probably have to have some clue by now, they're just in denial, haven't brought it up bc they've seen how uncomfortable any discussion of that sort makes me, or both. I've made sure I'm visibly a bit on guard to stop the conversation quickly before it has a chance to turn against me, and we've only discussed it vaguely, rwrely, and not in a while. They sure shouldn't be surprised by the time I come out, I just don't know if they'll accept me or how long it will take them to. The last time I tried, and epically failed, to come out to my mom was a few years ago and it was a disaster. I'd done all this work and even typed a paper and pulled up sites for parents, but when she got freaked out and accusatory (she's changed a lot by now religious-wise, but that was back when she used to think she was Christian and she said 'so you're basically saying God f---ed up' in kind of an angry way), I panicked and it went downhill from there, and we barely talked for a few weeks and it was awkward for some time after that. I accidentally said 'daughter', which is another thing that ruined it, and after the discussion or whatever you call it, she said something along the lines of I should find something better to do with my time. She'd also freaked out and threatened to take my internet, monitor it, and/or make me use only Christian sites, which was crazy, unreasonable, and completely unlike her, so it kind of freaked me out.

    I think she at least won't freak out again when it comes time to tell her (I think it was unexpected, and I still put up the weak facade of pretending to be a girl, so I guess she totally didn't expect what I said). For that matter, by the time I come out for real, I'll be much more prepared, completely confident, independent of them, and I'll be able to drop the news in a calm, unshaken manner, and they'll take it how they will and whatever happens will happen. And there should be no surprises for anyone; again, between my appearance, how I naturally carry myself, and the slight discomfort I've allowed them to see when it comes to female related things or words (I've been very smart about things and I've miraculously been great at enduring crap and keeping my mouth shut and not visibly smoking from the ears, but I'm done with pretending I'm 100% fine being talked about or seen as a female, just subtly enough that they don't say anything to me about it and may not even notice, but it allows me to let the truth peek out just a bit).

    That's good, hopefully it all works out.
     
    #6 ErickWolf, May 9, 2018
    Last edited: May 9, 2018
  7. MarkieTS

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    Banking answers

    I’m a branch manager at a local bank so please message me with any questions.

    I would definitely wait until your 18 to open a checking account if you anticipate taking your parent(s) off after you turn 18.

    Reason being is that banks are very hesitant to remove a joint owner these days. Your parents would have to be joint owners if you’re not 18.

    A work around would be to have them on your account until your 18, then close your account and open a new one without your parents.

    Now, if once your 18 and you want your parents on your account, you can add them as an authorized signer. They can deposit money and withdraw money, and even write checks for you, and can be removed if you so choose.