I'd like to learn a little more about this topic because I don't know that much about it. I was raised in a pretty religious and was pretty homophobic and transphobic when I was younger. I think that's why I've been having such a hard time with my sexuality these last few years. Gender hasn't really been something I'd considered before. I think because of how I was raised I still have trouble wrapping my head around some of it. I also had a conversation the other day that has me thinking about it a bit more. A friend of mine told me that they want to try going by he/them for a while. I want to be supportive and understanding, but I also felt like some of the reasons they gave for wanting to try this resonated with me a bit. I don't have a problem with going by he, but I'm not the most masculine person, and there's a lot about masculinity that I don't think I really want to be associated with, but I wouldn't say I'm feminine either. There are some things that would probably be considered more feminine by a lot of people that I think I'd like to at least give a try (painting my nails for example). I'm pretty self conscious, so I don't really feel comfortable actually trying any of it right now. There have been times in the past, when I wasn't as comfortable with my sexuality, where I worried that I was acting too feminine, or "too gay". I wish I didn't worry about this kind of thing. As I've gotten older I've started to wonder more and more why stuff like this is a big deal. Why can't it just be normal for people to do whatever they want to do and act however they want to act without worrying if its something a man would do, or something a woman would do? I guess for a lot of people it probably isn't a big deal and maybe it's all in my head. I think I can still be kind of judgmental when it comes to things like this and I really hate that about myself. Like I said, I'm fine with going by he, but for some reason the they/them thing is intriguing to me. I think it might just be because of what my friend told me that has me thinking about this now. Sometimes I feel like I'm just copying them or something lol. We have a lot in common and when he came out was when I started to question my own sexuality more seriously. Now that I know this I've started to wonder for myself again. I sometimes wonder if I've just started to mirror their personality just because they are the only person I talk to on the regular and we're a little more than just friends lmao. So I guess I just have a few questions. What does it mean when someone goes by he/them or they/them? What are some reasons people choose to use those pronouns? How should I refer to my friend from now on? And I guess the last question I have would be, do you think my gender or pronouns are something I need to worry about now, or is it just because of what my friend told me that I'm thinking of this more seriously? I guess no one can tell me, but I'd still like to hear if anyone has any input.
I will try to answer this. I'm a female at birth, but I feel comfortable with he/him pronouns, rather than she/her. This is preferance and what feels right and comfortable for me, since I am actually male not female. You can ask from your friend each time, what he/them prefers currently. It's respectful this way. You can always try it out too how it makes you feel, so maybe your friend can call of you they/them and you see how you like it. In my country we don't really use pronouns at all. The only pronouns we are using here are they/them or you, or just male, female or calling the person by their name. I never really considered my gender or sexuality either, because I was also raised in a conservative country and household. About your gender, if you feel comfortable in your body and with your pronouns, then I feel like you don't really need to worry about it all. It all comes down to what you want and how you feel. I hope this is helpful.
Hi Skloorrpt, this one baffles me too! I'd be intrigued to know myself. My own personal take is that pronouns are a whopping great red herring. I don't understand why people get so hung up on them. I mean, unless you're being written about, or you overhear someone else talking about you (both of which don't happen very often) when do you ever hear yourself being referred to in the third person? If you're in the same room as someone they will either refer to you by name or by using the second person. And if you're out of the room...well, personally I don't care. I'm much more concerned about societal transphobia and appalling level of healthcare that us trans folk have to put up with. Beth
With the pronouns they asked for. So he or they. It's okay if you slip up every now and then, but it's important for trans folks that you try. For me it's because firstly, I like the pronouns and masculine forms of nouns, verbs, adjectives etc. in my mother tongue better. Feminie forms are so decorative and dainty... Secondly, it might be hard to explain, but I feel like I have more in common with men. But when I explain it, people confuse it with something else, I think. They say things like "But I feel more similar to guys, but I'm a woman and feel like one". I think the difference is maybe the degree of this or that I would do everything like a man down to the smallest things, to the point that it makes little sense to consider me a woman or look at me this way. If I said "I'm a woman", it wouldn't make sense. I have a uterus. This is pretty much the end. I think, feel, behave, look like a dude. I really don't know why (apart from chemical reasons), it seems natural, and I like to dress like a guy, because I like the clothes. Same rule applies to pretty much everything. I apparently have masculine interests, but they just interest me... Apparently, I move like a dude. Many people before I came out said to me things like "I'm sorry I called you a dude, I feel like I'm talking to a guy, you're like my male friend". When I got a short haircut, I started to get asked out from the women's bathrooms. Tbh, from people born with female parts, I feel the most similar to masculine lesbians. The difference between a masculine lesbian and a trans guy is how this person feels more comfortable or happier to present as. There is a certain intertia to overcome when it comes to presenting as something other than you were assigned. It never comes to your mind at first, then you have to explain it to everyone... So in this second aspect, pronouns are silimar to the reason why I wear short hair, I want to look like what I feel like inside. I want to be true to myself.
It just surprised me a little bit when my friend told me. I guess a part of me is worried this will change how I see or feel about them, and I don't want that to happen. It probably shouldn't have surprised me, and I probably shouldn't worry. They've never been the most masculine person. I tend to overthink things, and I've been thinking about this almost nonstop since then. If I'm being honest I feel guilty for even considering any of this for myself. I feel like I still sometimes have an initial negative reaction when I hear about this kind of thing. I mean absolutely no offense, but I still find it a little strange and confusing, and that makes me feel like a shitty person. The reason I'm starting to wonder for myself now is that I kind of saw where they were coming from. It feels fairly similar to when I first started questioning my sexual orientation, which they were a big part of. At this point I'm fairly certain I'm not straight so now I'm wondering about this as well, and there are a lot of similar doubts I have . For example I was worried that I was just questioning my sexuality because he came out, or I worried that I was just looking for some way to be a little more unique, and now that's all coming back. I feel like I'm not allowed to try using other pronouns. Maybe that's just because my view on gender was so rigid and binary growing up. I was born male, and consider myself male, but I don't feel like its ever been a very important part of my personality. Like @chicodeoro said, pronouns don't seem like that big of a deal to me. I've never felt super masculine, and at this point in my life I don't think I necessarily want to be. It does annoy me that there are certain things people, myself included, might judge me for just because of something I have no control over. Like I said, I kind of wish the idea of gender and stereotypical gender roles would just go away. I'd just like to do and act however I want without having to worry about judgement from others or even sometimes myself. Maybe it's just a self confidence issue, I don't know. These last few years have been a bit weird. I feel like I've been having some kind of identity crisis and I don't even know who I am anymore, now this gets thrown on the pile too lol.
A lot of people have said a lot of great things, but I still feel I can contribute, so I'll try to be brief. When someone chooses "they/them" pronouns, they are choosing the gender neutral - "they" can be used in English for either male or female. Most people who elect this are choosing the neutral or non-binary. A "she/they" or "he/they" is simply the most comfortable for someone who is either neutral or non-binary or like; somewhere towards the middle. Do pronouns matter? To some of us, very much, thus they should be respected. So, when in doubt, "they" is probably best. What should you call your friend? Whatever they ask you to, if they mean it. If they ask you to call them "Buttonfluff The Destroyer," they're probably kidding, but if they ask you to call them "Greg" or "Aaron" or some such for a bit, please do so. And please understand if it changes. We're not the same people we were as children, and some of us have moved so far beyond that the same name no longer fits. Ask yourself this, though; how would that make you feel, genuinely? If there's discomfort, explore it. If there are internal questions, explore those too, fearlessly. That's the only way you'll know, good or bad, what's in you. Are your own pronouns something to worry about? Maybe. Only you will ever known. However, I'd say - right now - you've got a lot of deep questions to ask yourself about who you are. And I wish you the best of luck in that journey. I'll offer whatever advice I can along the way. I know there's guilt and shame that's just preprogrammed into you from childhood; I struggled with that for years, too. I'm not a religious person at all, but I was at least moderately religious through large periods of my life. Enough that I - no joke - hated myself when I discovered masturbation, and hated myself even more when I found myself masturbating to "other" men. Long story short, I share a great deal of your feeling in that regard, but you need to let go of that. You're a human being, in one body for the rest of your life. You've got to figure out how you can love it, because it's the only one you ever get. I'm working on that too, but that started with me letting go of that guilt and deciding that I would accept my sexuality. My experience is kind of uncommon, though, because there were others around me who encouraged that in me. If I'd had a place like EC, I imagine I would've figured some things out a lot sooner. I hope that this response helps. I've not been brief at all, have I? In my defense, you asked a lot. And I'm absolutely like that. Sending love, dear, and wishing you best of luck! PS- If you wish, feel free to send my a private message! I welcome conversation with anyone with questions and am an open book! No pressure! ^_^
I guess I already knew that non-binary people use they/them. Maybe it would've been better to ask what it feels like to be non binary, or what was it like for people to realize that they are non-binary. I feel like it could be nice to hear other peoples experience with it and see how it compares to how I've been feeling these last few days. Sometimes I have a hard time figuring out how I genuinely feel. It was a problem I had with my sexual orientation too. It was like I wanted to be gay, but felt I needed to justify that somehow. I started trying to find reasons why I was or why I wasn't gay. Obsessing over it like that was probably not the most healthy way to deal with it, but I can kind of feel it starting again with this. I probably do have a lot more important stuff to focus on right now anyways. Thanks for taking the time to respond, and I appreciate the offer to chat.. Maybe I'll send you a message sometime if I feel like I need to talk.
I was a tad literal, wasn't I? Apologies; unfortunately, I can only offer my perspective as a transwoman. I will share that at request, but I think you're looking for something more specific. If you want to hear it, though, I'm open to sharing. And I'll tell you who's great at helping you figure out your feelings and that's therapists. Trust me when I say that. I really mean it. And I hope you don't take offense, I know it can be a delicate subject. But it really sounds to me like you could use some professional help understanding how to deal with all those new feelings coming at you so suddenly. I think that guilt is a big barrier and that's very hard to overcome with a forum and an open mind alone. Just something to consider, of course. No one can or should make your decisions about who you are for you; keep that in the forefront of your mind going forward. Lots of love
