this'll be all over the place cause i have a headache and i'm tired and i have not had caffeine today. but i watched a video about people who detransitioned - a video reviewing it, by a trans youtuber - and it affected me. Its always bugged me that i did not always know. but i'm also incredibly good at hiding from myself and suppressing things. like i didn't know i liked girls till i was 20. i convinced myself that what was really me checking out girls was just me comparing sizes so to speak and told myself it was rude and innappropriate. i convinced myself my parents were right i was crushing on guys even tho there was never anything sexual about it. i just thought they had a pretty face and good style that i liked and wanted to be like them. So i've always just been like well i suppressed my gender too. but...do you guys remember what i said my brother did and tried to do? i'm not resaying it go find it in my posts its a lot. i just wonder if i think i'm trans cause of that? but i suppressed that hardcore. like told myself its my fault and left it at that and 48 hours later it was like it never happened i pretended it never happened i guess. But like...i remember being facinated and estatic when a pair of too big jeans made it look like i had a bulge sitting on the bus in elementary school heading to school. that pair of pants was suddenly my fav. I remember periodically thinking about having male parts down there envisioning it in my head. i convinced myself it was normal and just taboo to talk about surely everyone thinks like that. i was strangely...i don't give a darn, i guess, about my boobs. but i also had puberty really early like summer before fourth grade in elementary school. that was my think i would tell myself its normal just taboo or wrong or inappropriate. i had it in my head and convinced myself that i was the good proper modest christian girl mom wanted me to be. i wasn't o course and i had classmates asking if i was gay/lesbian a lot. But i always told them no and it felt inexplicably wrong to say. Even tho i was convinced i liked boys. So just...some help here? Its always bugging me that i didn't know young, i didn't even try to guess or nothing! But i was so so so good at suppressing my own sexuality like idk how i did it. - Theo
What helped me figure out whether I was trans or not was how I wanted people to see me. Lately, I've been taking calls with the Union and people have been seeing me as a guy and calling me by male pronouns and such. Previously, that's what I thought I wanted, but I've realized I want to have a masculine expression but not be referred to as male. I don't think I will ever not get that from people, but that's one of the things I knew I wasn't male. However, another thing is trying to disassociate expression and gender identity. Which I have struggled with a lot. You don't have to be masculine to be a man, and you don't have to be feminine to be a woman. How do you want people to see you? Do you like being called by male pronouns and being seen as a man; or would you rather have a masculine expression? People can find out their trans, gay, bi, etc at any age and you don't have to know as a child. Some people know when they're 5, others may know when they're 50 or 60. I never learned, or was exposed to the LGBT community until I was 18/19. The only thing I knew about the LGBT community was gay people.
Thanks. Online my friends all call me by male pronouns and a male name. I haven't been able to try irl yet. The only place i feel safe is at work and the only place i regularly go is work. So i have a pin with 'my pronouns are he/his/him' that i'm starting to wear. Hopefully that will give me some indication. I think if i do change-able stuff like binding and this, and maybe even evetnually socially transitioning, i will be more sure of myself. Whats bugging me now is while i hate the vast majority of women's clothing...i like the look of the new women's sweaters with little sayings on them. Like its the same cut of shirt - minus the accomodation for breasts - that i want in a boys or mens section sweater but haven't been abel to find. It just happens to be in the women's and have little pop culture things on them. But it makes me feel like i shouldn't want them? But i guess if a cis guy bought and wore one they'd only question his sexuality, so it shouldn't affect me like it does...my identity is fragile cause i feel like i should have known. But my own back story proves i'm very good at hiding from myself.
I do think social transitioning, even just using your chosen name and pronouns, will help you determine whether you're trans or not. Though, being referred to as a guy by people irl may feel right when you first start, since it's new and different, I would give it some time. Again, I thought I wanted to be referred to as a guy for 6 years until people started referring to me as a guy irl at Union calls. I also have never liked women's clothes. The sleeves are too short for my liking, or they're not long enough in the torso, or I don't like the colour options, or they're just too frilly for me. Once I was able to choose my own clothes, I immediately went for men's clothes (or unisex stuff). To be fair, they're just clothes. It does suck that women can shop in either section of the store, but when a guy shops in the women's section, he's given odd looks for it. Do you think that if you bought that sweater, people would think you're "less of a man"? Cashier's really don't care if you buy an article of clothing from the men's or women's section, as long as you pay for it, they don't care. Also, for all they know, you could be buying it for a sister or girlfriend.
