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Some breakthroughs, but still struggling

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by foxconfessor, Oct 10, 2017.

  1. foxconfessor

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    So I've been doing a lot of soul-searching lately (what's new...) and have made what I believe to be some important breakthroughs.

    For the last few years I have found myself grappling with a strange and somewhat agonising conflict: coming to terms with being gay, while also obsessing, quite compulsively, over a male friend I met at uni, who I do consider in many ways to be my soul mate. As a consequence, just existing has felt extremely polarising - constantly veering between various contradictory states, conclusions and head spaces. It is, quite frankly, exhausting, and seemingly never ending.

    I accept that a lot of this obsessive-compulsive thinking has its roots in denial and bargaining. Yet I have found managed to not only make peace with my sexuality, but experience the feeling of complete inner peace, just at the thought of being with a woman - something I would have thought impossible four or five years ago. So why do I continue down this road?

    One problem is that the feelings I have felt towards this guy, and still continue to feel (perhaps they are memories now, but not being in regular contact with him makes it hard to tell) are really so profound, far-reaching, multi-faceted and kind of incomparable. He's the kind of person you could wait whole lifetimes for and still never meet. Same goes for our connection. I'd struggle to define these feelings as purely platonic, as there's also a layer of attraction involved. To me he is just the most beautiful person - with a kind of aura surrounding him, almost heaven-sent. Sometimes it feels like my heart is literally aching just thinking about him. But despite everything I feel towards him, the thought of these feelings being returned is simply intolerable. In isolation, the thought of him having romantic/sexual feelings for me feels jarring to the point of nausea. It is so strange, the thought of someone else's feelings having such a powerful effect on your own. On the flip side, the thought of being loved by a woman feels like... completion. The deepest happiness. Like looking into a mirror and finally being able to see your whole self.

    I guess it's not really the nature of my feelings towards this guy that I'm questioning, but where they're coming from. If I were to develop feelings for a woman I feel like they'd be coming from a much deeper place within myself, driven by instinct, rooted and permanent, something I've no control over. Going to sleep at night and waking up in the morning with the same feeling of blissful peace and happiness.

    Sexuality, for me, is something that both resides in and shines a light on the deepest part of your soul. Even though it feels like this guy has illuminated every other part of me - I know if I were to spend my life with him or any other man, there would always be a part of me - perhaps the deepest realm of my soul - that would be in darkness.

    That being said, I don't want to forget about this guy or these feelings towards him. I feel like doing so would make my life feel hollow and colourless. But I can't keep going round in circles, trying desperately to break through barriers that can never be broken, feeling regretful over something/someone I could never have. I am considering therapy, but my earnings are slim and probably not enough to even cover a year's worth. I think the only other solution would be entering into a relationship with a woman, but it's not something I can keep holding out hope for, especially given how rare it is that I find myself feeling attracted to anyone, and let alone someone that might feel the same way about me.

    I feel kind of ridiculous seeking advice about this (again!) when I'm not even in a relationship, but I'm just wondering if any of this resonates with anyone else and if anyone can offer any further advice.

    (Btw, apologies that this turned into a bit of a disjointed stream of consciousness... I find it hard gathering all my thoughts together and expressing them in a coherent/cohesive manner...)
     
    #1 foxconfessor, Oct 10, 2017
    Last edited: Oct 10, 2017
  2. silverhalo

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    Firstly never apologise for seeking advice, regardless of how many times you have sought it previously. That's what EC is here for.

    Sometimes the aimless wandering of the mind lead to the most enlightening places.

    When reading through your post it's clear you connected with this guy and so I'm wondering if because of this connection and your difficulty accepting your sexuality it is your mind saying this guy is absolutely everything a straight girl could want and you have such a great connection, what is wrong with you, you must want him.

    I don't think you have to forget about him or what he meant/means to you you just have to establish a boundary in that you are not sexually attracted to him and so any relationship with him wouldn't really work.
     
  3. Cydonian Knight

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    Holy cow, how did you get into my head

    Really, everything you wrote (except the part with a guy) is exactly how I woul describe what I am feeling about this subject. So you're definitely not alone in this :slight_smile:

    People get attracted to each other in the most different ways, and far from always an attraction has something to do with sexual aspect, in my opinion.

    Thanks for this post, you've helped me as well in realisation that I'm not the only one who contemplates and feels this way!
     
  4. foxconfessor

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    Cyndonian Knight I am glad something in that sprawling mess resonated with you! Thank you for the kind words.

    SilverHalo thanks again for your advice. I think it's difficult because although I know it's sort of the crux of what sexuality is, sexual attraction really isn't that big a deal-breaker for me and not something I think about often. I can definitely imagine being completely happy in a relationship with a woman I wasn't majorly attracted to so long as I felt we had a profound conenction and loved each other. Weird thing with this guy is there were times I felt attracted in that way but there's still a deeper sense of permanence that will always be missing. That shift from really liking someone to falling in love in a deep, needing and permanent way. When it comes to guys there will always be that barrier right at my core. The frustrating thing is being able to feel so much right up until that point - being monosexual in this way just feels so illogical, and I'd rather not feel anything at all. It's like falling at the final hurdle - all the more painful for having got so far and come so close.

    But ultimately the most important thing for me is feeling loved completely for who I am, and being able to feel completely myself by way of that love - something I'm certain would only be possible with a woman.
     
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  5. silverhalo

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    Have you had any intimate experiences with either sex?
     
  6. foxconfessor

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    Nope, at least nothing substantial anyway.
     
  7. silverhalo

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    The only reason I ask is because when I was questioning my sexuality I was a total virgin. I'd never kissed anyone or been on a date or anything. In my mind it made my questioning harder because I never looked at anyone in a sexual way. I honestly thought I could go my whole life without sex. It was that close connection and bond that I craved. Which sounds a lot like you. I'm not saying that now I'm with my girlfriend sex is the most important thing on my mind or that it has changed the way I look at people but I do know now that I couldn't be with a man the way I am with my girlfriend and even without the sex.
     
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  8. foxconfessor

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    Yeah, I mean I have had phases where I've been a bit more pre-occupied with sex but lately I've been concentrating so much on deeper concepts like soulmates, eternal love etc. that the physical side of things has kind of been on the back burner for a while. I wouldn't actually say I've really been questioning my sexuality - despite my feelings towards this guy, the question for me has never been "am i gay or bi" because I've always felt gay - it was just a case of whether there was any flexibility in that identity, and whether it was possible for me to make an exception. Of course, I know deep down that isn't possible, but I've read so many stories of people who have always identified as gay suddenly falling for someone of the opposite sex that I thought maybe that could happen to me. However, one thing I noticed in all of those stories was that those people who had previously identified as gay had done so based on a history or pattern of attraction - no mention of any internal, abstract struggle with even just the notion of being in a straight relationship - something I've experienced for as long as I can remember. That's why I find the most way of understanding my sexuality is just to really look inward as much as possible, while trying not to get too lost within myself (something I struggle with daily...)
     
  9. foxconfessor

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    Don't want to keep making new threads so will keep posting here with new thoughts....

    Does anyone else feel like their sexuality creates a sort of disconnect between mind and heart/body? Talking about this guy again, but when I refer to my "feelings" for him it's like they are completely confined to my mind. Everything makes sense in my head... the profound soulmate connection...strong feelings of love, attraction etc...I don't doubt the nature of those feelings at all (which are not platonic/brotherly) but it just doesn't stimulate the the same physical sensations (heart racing, blood rush etc) as when I imagine developing *feelings* for a woman. It means the way I experience my sexuality feels like a trick or a malfunction. It's so frustrating & illogical, I can't stand it. What's the point of experiencing feelings/emotions in your mind if they don't connect to your heart & body as well? What's the point of being unable to stop reliving/dwelling on these emotions if they can never be acted upon?

    I wonder if this is what people mean when they say their feelings are *stronger* for one sex, which is what made them realise their sexuality?
     
    #9 foxconfessor, Oct 18, 2017 at 11:22 PM
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  10. foxconfessor

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    So I've just been reading this article about the difference between feelings and emotions:

    https://www.thebestbrainpossible.com/whats-the-difference-between-feelings-and-emotions/

    Where the disconnect lies is between my feelings (mind) and emotions (body). I thought the two were pretty much the same or at least inextricably linked but it would seem not. To me it seems that feelings of this kind are always determined by sexuality, regardless of what our emotions are telling us.
     
    #10 foxconfessor, Oct 18, 2017 at 11:50 PM
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  11. foxconfessor

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    Sorry, that last part of course should have read that our emotions are controlled by our sexuality!!