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Social transition to genderqueer - how?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Mihael, Jun 26, 2018.

  1. Mihael

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    So I'm writing yet another topic, having digested some thoughts from the previous one, I decided that functioning, like, as a man, when looking like a female, would be a tad unrealistic. However, maybe functioning as genderquuer/non-binary/androgyne is worth giving a try. But I have to have some plan how to do it. Mannerisms, clothes, even pronouns, I have covered all that. I'm thinking more about how to cover the coming out and name part. Thoughts? Like, how do I even "function" as non-binary? What does this even mean? Is it neccesary that I change my name? I can't wrap my head around it. What do I tell people? How do I tell people? There are no gendered things in my life. But people still assume I feel female and keep on feminising me in intersctions, and it keeps on annoying me to death.
     
  2. i am just me

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    Hi emmery,

    I can relate a lot to what you're thinking through at the moment. I'm right in the middle of social transition myself and I started out in a similar place to you. I've had short hair for several years and have been dressing androgynous/masculine for most of my life. But people still saw me as a woman, because I didn't tell them I'm not.

    First of all, I think it's important that you transition in a way that makes you feel comfortable and makes transition easiest for you. Everyone is different and has a different environment that shapes the way you come out and transition.

    Personally, I started my social transition by coming out to a few friends I really trust. This was really helpful because I then had someone in real life to discuss my further plans and thoughts concerning transition with. Next, I tried out my new name on a weekend seminar in a group I trusted. I wrote them an email before, because I found it much easier than coming out in person and it gave them time to digest the news for a few days before they saw me. The seminar gave me a larger support network and a group of people around whom I can be myself. Conversations with them gave me the courage to come out to more friends and family. This time I even managed to do it in face to face conversations. My next step is to transition in my voluntary organization. I don't know what to do about university and my hometown yet (I study somewhere else).

    Changing your name to something gender neutral can be one path to socially transitioning. Another can be to ask people to change pronouns for you. Or just ask people to stop referring to you using gendered terms like ma'am or woman. It can make things easier, if you have something concrete that you ask for instead of "just" coming out but not really asking people to change the way they refer to you.

    Another thing I'd like to point out is that you should only transition to genderqueer if you really identify so. If you do it because you think it's easier than coming out as ftm, maybe think about it again. You might end up in a situation where you are not comfortable with the way you are seen again.

    Another thing that has helped me was to not plan ahead to far and take bay steps one at a time. The thought of socially transitioning in all areas of my life seemed very big and scary for a long time. When I stopped thinking about this huge step and instead only focused on trying out my new name in a safe environment things finally started to move and right now I am way further than I imagined being a month ago.

    I hope this helped a little. As I said, I'm still right in the middle of transitioning myself and the path that works for you might be very different from what works for me. If you want to talk or have more, also feel free to drop me a message.
     
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  3. Mihael

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    Thank you for your response Noah. It helps a lot.

    It's a very good idea to make one step at a time.

    Well, yeah, I guess I'll just be honest when coming out. That should do the job. It's complicated... I'm somewhere between genderqueer and ftm, I believe. I don't want to transition all the way to male. Like, with hormones and stuff. But I do feel like a dude. Whatever it means, of course...

    Fair point.
     
  4. normalwolverine

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    I can't add anything to what Noah said--it is a really good response.

    But the quoted part is also basically how I feel, and the term I have always felt is closest to describing what my gender is, is genderqueer. But because I don't feel 100% certain that this is what describes my gender, I don't use it to describe myself and I don't "come out" to people as genderqueer. I need to have no questions about it before I tell other people.

    It's interesting to me how I've seen users here start threads asking for input on name changes, i.e. they give a few options and ask for advice, because the two times I've "changed" my name it was very natural and there was always something I just wanted to be called without even thinking about it or why. They both were attempts at taking names I was given at birth and de-feminizing them--so, they were modified versions of my birth names. Other people just pick random names.

    Do you want to change your name? And how feminine is it? I view changing my name as a way to take back some of the ways in which people feminize me, i.e. I look feminine and live as a woman--not to mention constantly have feminine stereotypes applied to me--but I get this one piece that I control and is very easily turned into something that's not feminine.
     
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  5. Mihael

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    UPDATE:

    I don't know why today, but a classmate asked me if I am a girl out of nowhere. It resulted from a pretty strange conversation we've had after a sexist joke 1 am. Of course, I told him how I feel and that was fine.

    The last thing I expected today.

    Anyway, maybe it shoukd go smoother from here,
     
  6. Mihael

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    Want, I don't know. Probably not. It's inconvenient. However, I might change my mind if motivated enough. I like my second masc name too. My birth name is a very feminine, very traditional name. I like it, despite that. Also, my birth name has a quite neutral meaning (not sound or connotation), unlike names like Lily or Rose. So it doesn't bother me. So I'm at a loss.

    Those stereotypes are a dread.
     
  7. normalwolverine

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    You don't have to legally change it or anything, just start going by a new name in a different environment--like at a new job while your birth name is on the paperwork and after graduation. But you don't have to change it to identify as genderqueer.
     
  8. Mihael

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    Well, of course I don't have to, it's just there has to be something going on.
    Yes, that's exactly what I want to do, just use the name and bother with papers later. :slight_smile: