Social transition (again! and more seriously, I guess)

Long time no see, gender identity forum on EC. xD
So... I'll try to make it short as I can.

I was assigned female at birth. Since 2016-2017 I know that for sure I'm not a woman, I'm not cisgender. At first, I identified as non binary, while I was changing my gender expression to more and more masculine. On summer 2017 I explored the idea of being actually a transguy. And I stayed on that track. [The whole journey was documented on EC threads xD]

On 2019-20 I went back into the closet in every day life (I had my first "job" - Civil Service, where I felt uneasy to come out to everyone); at the same time, I still considered myself a guy and desired to be treated as such, and never stopped using masculine name and pronouns with close friends. At that time, being in the closet, I could explore more feminine gender *expression* (some make-up, longer hair, but masculine clothes and always trying to hide the female - eew - body shape). Physical dysphoria stayed the same...
I was going through some pretty great hardship at the time. I was just recovering from depression (moderately severe) and some health issues, my father was constantly threatening to kick me out of the house, we had financial difficulties, I couldn't find a new job (also because, later on, the pandemic)...

After the pandemic, I slowly - very slowly - began to find the first side-jobs as a waiter, just to gain some indipendence and move away from my father ASAP. It was extremely hard and exasperating. A lot of job demand, very little job offer, a huge queue of unemployed young people and I had very little experience (also, Italian job market for young people is a desert. It's hell). I had to "walk on my ears" to finally get a decent job (after months and months of paperwork, questionnaries, websites, questionnaries, interviews, weird and creepy job announcements, scams, video interviews with no real person on the other side in real time, websites, paperwork...). And, sadly, I think that my closeted appearance (aka looking like a girl again - eww) played a great role in being hired.
... a lot of social dysphoria from using my deadname...

So in autumn 2021 I had enough money to move to another city (where my univerity is - and the trans rights association I trust is). I searched for a rented room there. It was even more exasperating than looking for a job. A lot of housing demand, very little offer, a huge queue of young students and workers, skyrocketing prices. From december 2021 to february 2022, I changed four houses and three jobs. Every single time, every single month or half-month, I feared to loose everything and come back to my family's toxic environment.
Searching for rented rooms also gave me a lot of dysphoria. People search for only female or only male roomates. I answered to all announcements (for guys, for girls, for *undefined*). Sometimes I came out as trans (receiving NO answer), sometimes I didn't - and guys didn't feel like sleeping in the same room than me, in that case.
But at that point having whatever roof on my head was fine.

I walked on my ears again.
At the end... I found a stable housing (at least one year long). With a female roommate. And my third job. That I'm struggling to keep, because I'm having issues with memory and focus again, as if depression were coming back (I have already booked a psychiatric appointment for that, just in case). I'm closeted, except for friends and the strangers that walk past us when we have conversations in public. xD (I came out to my parents years ago, but they don't believe me). On facebook, I have gender neutral name and pronouns.
I started going to events organised by the local lgbt association, and I felt ashamed to use my chosen name because with long hair I didn't feel believable. At most I came out as "neutral" ("uhm it's complicated"). I saw a lot of young gnc people and trans people around the city (so inspiring). And I started thinking: well, with a relatively stable job and home (and some new smol growing professionality in my work field), I should re-start transitioning. And having long haired and masculine clothes didn't work in being seen as a guy. (Wishing to become a long-haired androgynous guy doesn't make it easy.)

So I cut my hair again. Very short and masculine. At the barber downstairs.
And now heck I pass, a lot of the time. As a pre-teen or transgendered-blob, but still. At least a doubt comes to strangers. I *craved* for that doubt.
Going back to work looking like a young boy with tits was a bit awkward, but nobody discriminated me for that. I also came out in a very awkward way to a colleague - but that's another story.

Now I have the possibility, the money to transition. I could book an appointment for gender therapy at any time. But everything started to feel unreal.
When I was questioning my gender years ago, I was financially powerless, depressed, sick, living with mentally abusive parents; but I also sounded way more confident in transitioning (a phase of "stick that needle with hormones in my thigh already, please"). Now I'm autonomous and healthier, more adult, but full of doubts and fear. Now I face the intricate reality of transitioning: I'll have to link my past life with my present life (spoiler: I didn't always "behave trans / gnc / weird" as a child), come out everywhere (at work too), live a decent amout of time fully out of the closet, even at work, even on facebook; face everyone's judgment and skepticism, a great quantity of which coming from my parents... And also: find my own way - in a practical sense, in every small stuff of every day life - to be a guy, a man, an adult; find out whatever the hell my gender expression will be... and learn a ton of stuff that people socialised as male are supposed to know already...

For years I longed for the possibility to start gender therapy with my own money. Now I can do that, but I'm more insecure than ever. And if I won't be judged trans enough for hrt... it will be a nightmare.
Because... I can't imagine myself going on with this body. I don't want to grow old with this voice. I can't see myself having a university degree with my deadname on it. I'm in a limbo, and time is running, and I'm loosing the beast years, my youth, when I'm supposed to have love and sex experiences, maybe a family...
If I start gender therapy in a phase full of doubts, I can risk everything. I can have my future bolted, barred forever, or for a long, long time. I can't imagine what's next.
Self-harm? Someone to cut my vocal chords? An eating disorder? Someone cut my hip bones with a saw, please? Becoming a hikikomori? Grave depression?

Everything feels unreal. Transitioning, and not transitioning. Not transitioning feels like death, or not having been born. Transitioning feels like a leap into space with no gas mask.

In the while, I walk around with that masculine trans vibe ( B-) ). Even if I'm an androgynous guy after all. Or a masculine adrogyne. Who knows.
And I wonder: do I have the right to feel good? How am I supposed to feel, now? After twisting my gender expression for the hundreth time. Do I have the right to unleash the masculine side again? What do I do with my recent past? What do I do with my distant past? Am I believable? Look, some gay guys I see have more feminine moves than mine, and more feminine talk than mine; so I have the right to be androgynous, right?
Can I be a man, with this complicated non-stereotypical life, or should I just resort to non-binariness?

Shit, I need to talk to someone. I'll book a therapy appointment one day, but for now I need someone to listen. And maybe write some thoughts. Thank you.