Social problems

I'm not going to lie, I'm not a very social person. I prefer to be alone. I like being by myself. I do make some friends or acquaintances now and then, but I extremely prefer being alone. Although it is ironic how I don't like being alone. Like, I want to be alone but I don't want to be a at the same time. It's weird. Like, I hate going to stores by myself and stuff, but I usually end up unhappy anyway. It's really weird. And my school counselor alway said that I need to stretch my comfort zone and "connect" more, but I never really wanted to. I mean, obviously I have all these hopes and dreams of such wonderful and happy people and things, but I really don't like it in reality. This gets me a lot of criticism from my family, especially my parents and my sister. It's like, no I don't want you to order for me because I'm lazy or I don't know how, it's cause I don't like social interaction and awkwardness. I'm a loner. Destined to be permanently stuck in this loop of yearning for a good social life whilst avoiding it at all costs. It's bad.

This leads me to my next topic, dating. Okay, I'm bloody 18 now. I really wanna get out there and put myself out there. I really wanna make a change, but I don't think I can do that without companionship. Thus, me moaning about my social problems. But like, I really want to date. Experiment with things and hopefully find a significant other. Mainly, I want people to support me and comfort me and I can do the same for. On the outside I have a hard shell, but on the inside I'm just mush. Mush that wants to be cuddled. Of course I want friendship, and I think a significant other should be your best friend, but I want my soul mate. I hope I can get out there in college and find people to support me and find a special someone. I want love, it's something I've never really had. I want compassion. I want everything a person is supposed to have, that I don't. One of my biggest goals is to find my "special one" and be, mutually, happy. I like a lot of things, but I never have anything that likes me back.

My point is that I want to find happiness. And I want to start dating. I like girls. No matter if they're cis or trans, I like girls. I like feminine things personally, and I wouldn't mind finding somebody who likes feminine things as well. Romantically, I don't like boys. I mean, I do want to "experiment" but I don't see myself marrying a boy. I really like girls. I wouldn't mind dating somebody as long as we legitimately like each other and get along. And I feel that, in a relationship, you should be really close to your significant other. I think your significant other should be your best friend and you shouldn't be scared to talk to them or tell them anything. And I believe that good lovers should be able to stick together no matter what, that you should always be there for each other. At the end of the day, all I want is somebody who I can just look in their eyes and see stars in them and feel happy and like I belong. I yearn for that sense of belonging that comes with love. I want it all. Even the bad parts. As long as we're still happy in the end and can stick together, I'm content. And I'm looking at the long-term here. Not just quick and easy relationships. I want to find the one. It's not that I want the commitment, it's that I want something that's long lasting.

Anyways, it's a thing. I just want to fall in love. I love romance and really want to experience it for myself, even though the very sight of anything romantic makes me cringe sometimes. It is funny, how I don't want to see it but I want it at the same time. But yeah, it's a thing. Although I am a little bit scared of online dating, I wouldn't mind giving it a chance. Any recommendations? Any advice? I really want to form many meaningful and happy relationships, but I really really want a significant other. But yeah, it's a thing. I got issues and I don't know how to solve them. What else is new? It always seems as if nothing positive or good is going to happen to me. Meh. *sigh*