1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.
  1. Dentalfloss

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 31, 2016
    Messages:
    37
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    usa
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    So yesterday my daughter was suppose to be doing homework and when she is doing homework she isn't suppose to be on her phone. Well I was making dinner and in and out of the room. I came in the room one time and she was in her phone and she shut it off really fast. I let that time go. Then I caught her on her phone again but this time she was covering her screen and not wanting me to see her phone. She was being very suspicious. I asked what was going on and she claimed nothing. My husband wanted her phone checked so we checked it

    Well there was all kinds of talk with her and the other girl and I asked if something was going on with them. She admitted that she thinks she's bisexual. She was crying and worried. We told she we love her and accept her but she was extremely upset that we won't let her friend sleep over anymore. We said that we wouldn't let a boy stay over and we are treating this just like we would a boy. We decided that her friend could visit as long as they are supervised but she can't sleep over. My daughter still doesn't understand this but we aren't changing our minds.

    We also promised not to tell the other girls parents. We said it's not our place to do so.

    We told our daughter that we love her no matter what and this is all new to us so we have a lot of questions and she's the only one who can answer.

    She claims that she just noticed the same sex attractions a few months ago and I asked if she liked guys and girls equally and she said yes and no. She claimed to be confused about it all and she is embarrassed to talk about this with me. I told her it's fine but I'm always here for her and she may be confused now but it's ok because she won't have a test anytime soon where she needs to know exactly how she feels.

    Did I handle it ok? Did I screw her up for life? I wonder if she does like guys and girls both or if she is just into girls. Is it possible that she really doesn't know? Can her feelings change about who she likes Better or is she just not telling me the truth about who she prefers? Is it normal to be confused? I know she wouldn't have told us if we wouldn't have gone thru her phone but she was being so suspicious. Was it wrong to take her phone and look? She's 12 years old.

    Should we have never mentioned that we saw her conversations with this other girl? I'm just worried I messed it all up.
     
  2. Creativemind

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 4, 2015
    Messages:
    3,281
    Likes Received:
    410
    Location:
    Somewhere
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    Other
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I think you did fine. She's just a little embarrassed, that's all. This is all new to her and to you as well. She may have been worried about your reaction and tried her best to soften it for you (if she didn't know you were supportive).

    As for not being sure about her sexuality, it depends. Some gay people tell their parents they are bisexual as a stepping stone, since they're not ready to identify as gay yet. But she could be really bisexual and unsure how she feels about both genders and what her preference is. Some bi people prefer men, some prefer women, some don't care, and some change preference constantly. She might still be questioning her identity and figuring things out.

    As for the phone thing, I think older teens and adults should have some privacy, but at 12 she is still quite young. Your job as parents is to make sure she isn't talking to predators or anyone dangerous, so I don't find it wrong to snoop if she was acting suspicious.
     
  3. Quantumreality

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 25, 2016
    Messages:
    4,283
    Likes Received:
    320
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey Dentalfloss,

    I would concur with Creativemind that you and your husband handled that well. Checking her phone semi-forced your daughter to Come Out to you, but, as Creativemind said, she's only 12, so checking her phone seems completely normal. It was, however, very significant that she felt comfortable enough to be open with your and your husband. And your response was so supportive!

    It sounds like she is still not fully understanding and accepting of her sexuality. Each of us comes to that understanding and acceptance on our own timeline. It is definitely possible that your daughter is still uncertain at this point in time.

    To build on what Creativemind said, bisexuality means that someone is attracted to both males and females. That doesn't meant that they automatically have a 50/50 attraction towards both genders. Many bisexuals have a greater attraction towards one gender or the other. Also, many bisexuals experience a fluidity in their attractions over time. Bisexuality is not a simple thing to understand or accept.
     
  4. beenthrdonetht

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 13, 2016
    Messages:
    1,315
    Likes Received:
    482
    Location:
    California
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Based on reading the posts here on EC, it seems like the tweens are just the time for these little dramas to play out. I think the best tack is to not have the parental reaction be more traumatic or dramatic than the kids' experience itself. And it sounds like you did well on that count.

    About the sleepovers... well how about sleeping bags in the living room? They can't get up to too much that way. (Or maybe I should just shut up on this one. Kids can work around anything.)
     
  5. bunnydee

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 28, 2016
    Messages:
    280
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Atlanta
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Dentalfloss,

    I think you handled it just fine.
    Something that hasn't been mentioned here and that I wanted to caution you about because we just went through this with my niece who just turned 13.

    You might want to discuss with your daughter about sending pics or mms. My sister found out through school authorities after they had contacted the police on this - My niece going through similar to what you stated, ended up sending a naked picture of herself to the girl. They had an argument and in so the girl sent her picture to everyone in her contacts. Anyways, big mess, big nightmare. Not only because it was embarrassing all around, but where we live she could have actually been charged with a sex crime for sending a pic of herself like that to begin with. Luckily the officers didn't press the issue.
     
  6. Dentalfloss

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 31, 2016
    Messages:
    37
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    usa
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Thanks for the warning. Fortunately her and I have discussed sending inappropriate pictures several times in the past and from what I saw in her phone, she hadn't sent any pictures of herself.
     
  7. Gunsmoke

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 17, 2016
    Messages:
    609
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Manchester, United Kingdom
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I agree with this!

    As for how you handled it, you did very well in my opinion. She's probably pretty embarrassed that you went through her phone, but I can understand why you did it (although I'd be absolutely mortified if somebody went through my phone - and there isn't even anything on there!).

    I'd just like to add that whilst she might not understand why you're not letting her friend stay over now, I think she will in time. It's one of those things that requires deeper thought on her part, I think. But you're being fair in saying that this other girl shouldn't stay over.
     
  8. WayConfusedMom

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 2, 2017
    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Female
    As a parent, I think you did the right thing, since she is so young. If you read my thread below, you'll see I'm just getting used to the idea. I talked to a therapist this week, and one of the things she said is that it's very common for kids to have same sex crushes in early adolescence, so it's quite possible your daughter really doesn't know her orientation yet. My son is older, so it's different.


    As for reading her phone, at that age I think it's negligent not to because of predators, and to make sure they aren't doing anything stupid like sending or receiving inappropriate photos etc. At around the same age my son had a girlfriend and I read his phone frequently. She was telling him how older boys were sending her crotch shots whenever she went on instagram. Of course I told her mother.

    ---------- Post added 8th Jan 2017 at 11:28 AM ----------

    Edited to add that by 8-9th grade, lots of girls do stupid things like send intimate photos (not necessarily nude, but in bras etc) to boys and then are shocked that the boys share them. Every child that age should get the safe internet talk along with the safe sex talk.
     
  9. Dentalfloss

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 31, 2016
    Messages:
    37
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    usa
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight


    It's all so confusing. Last night she came out of her room and said some YouTube musician guy was great and was raving about him being perfect. I personally think he's weird but whatever. I don't know. Sometimes I wonder about her.
     
  10. mrgoodwrench

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 23, 2016
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Atlanta, GA
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Hey, Dentalfloss! I've been following your posts about your daughter and am just now getting a minute to comment. First, I want to say you are doing just fine with your daughter. These are uncharted waters for all of you and the fact that you are reaching out for help says a lot about you as a parent.

    I have a perhaps slightly unique perspective here, as I am a parent of a teen aged girl who is gay, but I am also bisexual myself. My wife likes to joke that she is the unicorn of the family, being the only straight person in the house! Our daughter is now 14 (and a half) and she came out to us almost a year ago. We had suspected earlier than that and asked her about it after my wife had read through some of her Instagram direct messages. We asked her if she was in a relationship with this girl since our house rule is no dating until 16 and that applies to girls or boys. She said she wasn't and that they were role playing, which we could accept since they are both in the theatre program. We told her that if she liked girls, we are OK with it and she could talk to us about anything. While I wasn't out at the time, other than to my wife and a handful of close friends, we have always been very open about our support for LGBTQ issues. A few months after that, she let us know that she liked girls at dinner one night. Our no serious dating till 16 rule is still in place and, while she isn't a fan, she get it.

    The biggest issue we have is other parents. We live in the suburbs of Atlanta and it is a pretty religious area. We are not religious at all and that can put us at odds with other parents. Many of her friends are LGBTQ and many of their parents are not accepting at all. We have had several of her friends say they wish they could live with us and one who was about to run away and our house was to be his destination. We have made our house a safe place for any of her friends and they all know they can talk to either of us about anything without it leaving these walls (unless, of course, they are in any sort of danger).

    As for the sleep overs, I don't think you are being unreasonable. Its a bit more strict than our policy, but we don't judge other parents rules. I would suggest giving lots of thought to your sleep over policy in general, not just with this specific girl, but all sleepovers. It is clearly a big part of being a tween girl, with birthday sleep over parties and the like. A blanket ban from all sleep overs could be seen as a punishment for her sexuality. Don't take that as a judgement, more of a bit of food for thought.

    Anyway, just thank you for being so loving and accepting. Its a shame more of these kids don't have that at home.
     
  11. Dentalfloss

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 31, 2016
    Messages:
    37
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    usa
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    We aren't banning all sleep overs. We aren't letting this girl stay.
     
  12. mrgoodwrench

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 23, 2016
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Atlanta, GA
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    I gotcha. I didn't want to assume one way or the other. Some parents go to that extreme and I just wanted to bring that up. :eusa_ange
     
  13. SiKiHe

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 12, 2016
    Messages:
    244
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Midwest
    When I was about 15 or 16 I was kind of forced to tell my mom I liked girls. [to clear any confusion you may or may not have, I was born a girl and am physically female].

    My girlfriend at the time was sick and I had been texting her more than normal. I wanted to go see her but I had never even told my mom she existed, let alone that we were dating. In my mind I had to come out in order for my mom to understand my urgency to help my girlfriend. After that she had also seen text messages the girl had sent me which kind of confirmed it.

    My mom handled it in a similar way that you did. I could have girls over, but no girls or boys could stay the night alone. If it was for a slumber party with multiple kids, I could go or host it, but never one on one. I was a bit older so I completely understood why. When my girlfriend would come over, my door had to be open so we were supervised. The same why you'd handle a heterosexual relationship.

    And sexuality can be very confusing for some people. She's also still very young and figuring things out. She may be a lesbian or bisexual but not be sure of which. She could also be mostly attracted to one sex, but still open to being with the other [for example: I'm primarily attracted to women but I fell in love with a man whom I plan to marry]

    Being supportive and trying to understand her is the best thing you can do. I'm not a parent, but from being a bisexual kid, I know that having that structure, and my parents trying to treat it as a normal thing was one of the most helpful things they did for me growing up.
     
  14. Assassin'sKat

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 23, 2016
    Messages:
    645
    Likes Received:
    16
    Location:
    Your head, zombie.
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    It is completely normal to be confused. It's rare for someone to know right away.