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So my ex just tried to kill himself

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Gillian, Jul 8, 2016.

  1. Gillian

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    Long story short- I came out, we separated, he did not agree with this. He told me I destroyed him, broke him, made him lose his will to live.

    That (our separation) was about two years ago. It plunged him into a place I did not think possible, a place he didn't get out of. There were times I thought he might but clearly I was mistaken.

    Because today he was brought into the hospital, unresponsive due to an OD. Deliberate OD. As of now I do not know if he will pull through.

    I did this. I don't know how to deal with this guilt. If he dies it is me who put him in this place. I just.. was my orientation really worth a life.
     
  2. Chiroptera

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    Hey Gillian,

    First of all, i'm sorry about this situation. It is certainly a really, really hard thing to deal with.

    However, as much as this is a terrible situation, understand that this isn't your fault. You coming out has nothing to do with this, even if he claims otherwise. Your coming out alone isn't a reason for the suicide attempt, and for sure, he needs psychological attention to understand the reasons behind this.

    Best wishes for you and him, and lets hope he recovers well, but remember: This isn't your fault. You can't stay with someone you aren't comfortable with just because the person didn't accept the separation, and, if he did something like this, he is unstable at the moment, he needs medical and psychological attention, and this isn't your fault. There is no need to blame yourself.
     
  3. Gillian

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    Thank you for your reply and reassurance.

    But how could I not feel responsible about this. How could I not. How. I don't have the tools to cope with this. I made him want to die. He might. I am not able to handle this.

    ---------- Post added 8th Jul 2016 at 05:53 PM ----------

    I am the one his family looks at as the reason.
    The one his friends, his childhood friends, hold responsible. Every person will look at me and know I drove him into this. Was it really worth it for me, to say I am gay? Was it really worth somebody's life?
     
  4. nerdbrain

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    Hi Gillian. I'm having a crisis with my ex tonight as well so your post resonates with me a lot.

    I understand how you are feeling. I won't sugar-coat it: it's possible that ending your relationship was the trigger that sent him into a downward spiral.

    But ultimately each of us is responsible for our own lives. Relationships end for many reasons, not just sexual orientation; people move on. Not everyone falls into a hole. Two years is a reasonable amount of time to heal up and go on with life.

    Your personal crisis triggered one in him, but he wasn't able to manage it. Whatever actions you took, they were 2 years ago. To say "I did this" is simply inaccurate. You may have played a role in it, but you are not to blame.

    Of course, it's natural to feel guilty in this situation. Just please try to keep things in perspective. I hope he is OK and that you are both able to find closure.
     
  5. Chiroptera

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    Surely, this isn't a simple situation, and it is something really hard to deal with.

    But you didn't made him want to die. Even if he said so, it only shows that he is unstable. And, in cases like this, the only thing to do is to seek medical and psychological attention.

    Staying in an unhealthy relationship wouldn't do any good, for you or him. With would be something false, and sooner or later it would break anyway, and it wouldn't be your fault.

    The only problem his is inside his mind, and, like i said, he needs professional help to deal with that. There is nothing you can or could do to help with an instability like this. Let's hope for the best, so he can seek professional help to deal with his issues.

    Something so tragical as suicide couldn't be caused by something as you coming out to him. If he claimed otherwise, like i said, that only shows that he is unstable and he needs help to understand his feelings and how to deal with these problems.

    It is a really though situation, but you did nothing wrong, and there is no need to blame yourself for something that you didn't do.
     
  6. nerdbrain

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    What if you'd met somebody else? What if you'd been hit by a bus? There are lots of ways he could have experienced a loss and been forced to cope with it. Is your need to explore your sexuality worse than any of these?
     
  7. LoveInSpace

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    You cannot be responsible for someone else's happiness, just as your own happiness comes from within, so does his.

    I am so sorry about this.

    I am sorry that people may blame you. They are wrong.

    It is not your fault.
     
  8. Gillian

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    Thank you for your replies.

    On paper, yes balanced person won't take their life because a relarionship ends.

    But when it's not on paper, when it is what happens right now and you have to deal with the ugliness and the rawness if it, it's a very very hard thing to do. I'm not the one potentially dying here but I might as well could be. I have never ever despised myself or my selfishness so much.

    I'm sorry to complain but fuck this is the worst point if my life.
     
  9. caliwoman

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    You are not responsible for his programming (how he thinks and perceives; his core set of values).

    A human being secure in his or her emotions would not attempt to kill him or herself because another human being wanted to explore their options with another human being or a different gender.

    I'm sorry, but at his worst my husband would do this to me; he'd say that if I left him it would destroy him and it would be all of my fault. This was a decade ago that he last did that, but it made it's mark on me. Wanna know what my therapist told me about that? That it was emotional manipulation and the ultimate form of it.

    He was hurt and he wanted someone to blame. Did it matter what gender you wanted to leave him for? If you wanted to leave him for another guy, would it have made a difference? If you wanted to leave him because you wanted to be single, would it have made a difference? If you wanted to leave him simply for the fact that you just wanted to leave him, would it have made a difference?

    You are not responsible for his method of programming. You are responsible for your own happiness and that's what you did. You are not selfish because you have needs.

    If you really love someone, would you want them to shut themselves off and stay with you because you want them to? You are not his toy for amusement. You are a human being and not bound to anyone.

    I'm so sorry you are going through this, but this is NOT your fault. NOT your fault. NOT your fault. And if anyone blames you, that's because they have faulty programming, too, which is again, not your fault.

    ---------- Post added 8th Jul 2016 at 07:12 PM ----------

    How are you selfish? What should you have done? Led a lie, been inauthentic, cut-off a part of yourself you know to be true, all to make him happy?

    That's codependency. That's a form of enmeshment. That is anything but love.

    I'm sorry you're going through this, but you are not to blame.
     
  10. Gravity

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    I'll echo everyone else so far and repeat - it is not your fault that this happened. He chose to do this, and the blame could just as well (but just as inaccurately) be placed on those friends and family who might blame you. But nobody made him do this.

    That said, I'll add that I think it's completely legitimate to be devastated by this news. Even if it didn't work out with you two, you had a strong bond with this person, and I'm sure that seeing them suffer or hurting is always going to hurt you in turn. You can be sad and hurting for him and still leave him accountable for his own actions - the two are not mutually exclusive. If you want to do something to process your grief here, maybe you could pay your respects to a friend or family member of his that you think would be receptive to hearing it. Or you could donate to a charity, a suicide prevention program, etc., in his honor.

    Be good to yourself!
     
  11. bi2me

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    I'm just going to send hugs your way... I'm sure this feels really horrible, even if it isn't your fault or your responsibility.
     
  12. Bunny45

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    It's not your fault. Breakups are a normal part of life, half of all marriages end in divorce. That he doesn't have the emotional tools to move on isn't your fault. Hugs.
     
  13. RosePetals76

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    Same echo down here: YOU DID NOT DO THIS! Mental health problems lie solely in the brain of that person. Nobody puts them there. You did not put that depression there. A chemical imbalance did that.
     
  14. Nickw

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    Gillian

    I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling.

    Depression is an illness with a high mortality rate. You cannot blame yourself for this disease just as he is not to be blamed for having this illness.

    Please do not own this.
     
  15. Gillian

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    I can't express how grateful I am for your kind messages. I'm in a really bad place right now and reading your words has helped me. So thank you, so much.

    I've been to the hospital but his sister told me to leave. It looks like he will pull through, which is such a huge relief. But also I know that nothing will stop him from trying again.

    I'm a mess. I don't know how to deal with this.
     
  16. Nickw

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    Gillian

    If you are not in therapy, I would highly advise it. You are taking way too much responsibility for someone else's life. We all do things, both good and bad, to others in relationships. But, no one can be responsible for the progression of another's illness or how it manifests.

    I have a sibling with severe depression. I often feel guilty for things I did as a kid that may have exacerbated the symptoms. But, the thing is that now I am doing everything I can to try and help and it still does no good. Frankly, I just do not have, and never did have, any real affect on her health. Some things are just out of our hands.

    I am happy that he will pull through. I hope you keep looking and moving forward. You are a good person and honest with yourself. Nothing good comes from lying to someone in the hope that it helps them out.
     
  17. Chiroptera

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    You did what you could for him. If his family is full of prejudice, there is nothing you can do for them now.

    You need to focus on yourself now. No, it isn't a selfish thing to do: Like i said, you already did what you could, especially when you went to the hospital. Now, you must focus on yourself, so you can calm down and deal with this situation from your side.

    Like Nickw said, you are a good person, so don't take responsibility for other's actions.
     
  18. Reggie

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    Gillian:

    Don't beat yourself up just because your ex is selfish.

    Yes, selfish.

    Trying to kill yourself is about the most selfish thing you can do. It's thinking about immediate relief of pain only to yourself without regard to the pain inflicted on others.

    He's being selfish. Don't let him manipulate you. Don't let him drag you in. If he isn't getting the help he needs, try to find it for him...just don't attempt to provide it yourself. You're way too close to the situation.

    Here's the problem. You care for this person. This person has tried to correlate your action with his action. You feel guilty because you have a conscience and you fear it might be true. It's a false correlation. You cannot control another person's emotions and responses to them. Unless I have this all wrong, and you're a puppet master. :slight_smile: Everybody is responsible for his own actions. Everybody has problems. None of the excuses people for making poor choices. He made a poor choice. That's on him.
     
  19. CameronMR

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    You cannot take on other people's emotions, or their decisions. What they do is a direct result of thier own decisions, not your actions. You cannot take on the guilt and shame he and his family/friends want you to take. They may blame you and there is not much you can do about that. You are responsible only for yourself, and your own emotions/decisions. Your number one responsibility is to be true to yourself and you did that.

    Again, you are not at fault in any way!
    Love and light
     
  20. Landgirl

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    Good point, nerdbrain.

    My husband has been refusing to have any face to face contact with me since I moved out. The only contact he will permit is text messages to make arrangements for me to visit our son, or to ask me to look after our son whilst he is away (our son is 29, but has Asperger's Syndrome, and lives with my husband because he wanted to minimise change by stopping in the same house).

    I know his desire not to see me is not malicious, and comes from his inability to accept the situation because he can't cope with the pain. His only way of dealing with it is to pretend I don't exist, and block out all opportunities for feelings to emerge by indulging in frantic socialising so that he is hardly ever alone.

    However, the situation cannot continue like this indefinitely. At some point he will be forcibly reminded of my existence, either by chance or at the point of divorce negotiations. What will he do then? My big fear is that his feelings will kick in big-time, and he won't be able to handle it.

    Many years ago he confided in me that he had tried to take his own life as a teenager. I told my therapist one of the main reasons I was frightened to leave him was that he might do it again. What she told me, Gillian, was the same as everyone is saying here on EC. We are all responsible for our own feelings, and I had spent over 30 years trying to protect his feelings at the expense of my own. Why should his feelings be more worthy of protection than my feelings? What if we continued married but I died before him? He'd still have to deal with the loss. The very fact that you feel guilty means you are a good person. A selfish person would just be getting on with their new life whilst never sparing him a passing thought. You care enough about him to want him to be happy again, but only he can accomplish that.

    Like you, I struggle with feelings of immense sadness when I witness the place my husband is in, and it never helps when others see him as the "innocent victim" and me as "the cause", but don't let yourself believe that this means you were wrong to leave, or that things would automatically have been better if you had stayed. He obviously had experiences in his past that have made him the way he is (which you cannot be responsible for) and it's quite possible that another event would eventually trigger those same feelings of insecurity and abandonment, for instance the loss of close family members, or being made redundant from his job.

    Had he been trying to help himself, by reaching out to others, such as support groups, doctors or a therapist? If not, then maybe this crisis will have served a useful purpose by alerting the medical profession to the fact that he needs help, and they can assess him and steer him towards appropriate support, which he can then take advantage of or not, the choice is his.