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So, hi?

Discussion in 'The Welcome Lounge' started by JClay, Jul 13, 2018.

  1. JClay

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    I have never done anything like this before, but what’s left to lose?

    I’m late-30’s, a guy, married to a woman who is my very best friend, we have two great kids, we are comfortable and secure. And I am gay, just as gay and hopeless as I’ve been since I was thirteen.

    I always thought I could make this work, like if I loved Jesus and worked hard enough at loving my wife and my kids, I could be...what? Straight? Better? And now I’m here, still the same as I’ve always been, and just as attracted to men as always.

    I don’t know where to go for help anymore, and I don’t know what happens next. I just know that this life I have, this weight and this shame, are killing me. So, I guess I’m here looking for community, for insight, maybe for hope?

    Thanks for reading.

    -Clay
     
  2. NotRealMe

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    Hello and welcome to Empty Closets!
    You'll find great support here and make some friends maybe!

    Trust me, these people can help you.
     
  3. JClay

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    Thanks for the welcome! I’m reading through past threads and am really happy to see how supportive people are with each other.
     
  4. Jakebusman

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    Welcome to the EC family I am married and Bi if that makes you feel comfy
     
  5. PatrickUK

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    Welcome to EC Clay. You are in good company here and will find many people who are on the same journey as you. A good place to start is the Later in Life sub-forum where many of our married and formerly married members hang out for mutual support.

    Your story is personal, but it's far from unique. Like many gay men and women (especially those from religious backgrounds) you attempted to deny your sexuality by getting married and having kids, and even though you love your family, you remain aware of that untapped feeling of love and opportunity missed that has lingered all these years. You've tried to conform and no doubt prayed for change, to no avail and I'm guessing you now find yourself at a painful crossroads.

    This forum is a good place to seek direction and make the right turn at the crossroads and we can journey with you, so you're not going it alone. There will be uncertainty, anxiety, doubt and confusion, but as I said, you are in good company.

    Read through the archived threads and create one of your own in the support area. Don't lose hope!
     
  6. RK800

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    Welcome! I hope you like it here and make lots of friends.
     
  7. JClay

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    Thanks for the welcome. It’s helpful to know that I’m not alone, because most of the time it feels like there is no one to talk to about this stuff. I’m wondering if your spouse knows that you’re bi? And if so, how is that going?
     
  8. JClay

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    Thanks for the welcome, Patrick, and for the suggestion about the Later in Life forum. I’ve felt really isolated trying to think through this stuff, and it’s so helpful to know I’m not the only one. I’m trying to think about how to go forward from the realization that my life cannot continue like this, closeted and shameful and so full of self-hate. I love my family, I love my wife, but trying to be something I’m not feels like it forces me to sacrifice being alive and real. It’s a scary place to be, and I don’t want to go it alone anymore.
     
  9. JClay

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    I hope the same for you!
     
  10. Atreu

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    Hi Clay,

    I'm in a similar boat. Late 30's, married with 2 young kids...I also feel a lot of shame and guilt for thinking about pursuing a relationship with another guy. My wife knows I have been with guys and seems genuinely cool with it.

    I wonder have you ever talked to your wife about other peoples sexuality? Wondering if you have a way to gauge how she feels about gays in general? My wife and I got into a conversation about me and my feelings about men after watching an episode of queer eye. Sometimes it helps to have segue.
     
  11. JClay

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    Thanks for reaching out. I read your other post and it definitely resonates with me. The guilt and the shame are terrible to live with alone.

    My wife knows about my attractions - I told her when we were still dating. We both grew up in extremely conservative Christian households and both thought being gay was a sign of brokenness, something that could be fixed if we prayed and loved each other enough. We’ve been married for over ten years now and I thought it would get better, or that it would hurt less to deny myself. Instead it’s getting worse.

    I’ve never been with a guy because of the guilt, but also because she made it clear before marriage that she wouldn’t put up with infidelity, and I get that. We don’t talk much about my desires now, though, and I get the sense that she prefers it that way.

    And, of course, I love our sons more than I love air. I am terrified of hurting them, of losing them. I know I should talk to her about my attractions more, but it’s hard. I’m embarrassed and afraid she’ll think she did something wrong, didn’t love me enough to change me. I was intrigued by your wife suggesting a gay weekend. I don’t know what I’d do if my wife suggested something like that either.

    Thank you so much for writing me. I hope we can keep communicating. I really thought I was the only married dad with kids out there like this.
     
  12. Chip

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    Hey, Clay.

    First, it's awesome that you're finding the courage to post here and talk about what's going on. That's often one of the biggest challenges. Especially if you have been struggling with religion's (misguided) idea that praying can change your sexual orientation, it can be very difficult, but also freeing, to finally begin to accept and love and explore who you are.

    You'll find, as you poke around in the Later in Life section, a lot of folks who have been, or currently are, where you are in exploring themselves. It definitely gets better. It can be difficult, as it ultimately requires uncomfortable conversations with your wife and family, and yet, at the end of the process, everyone will come out better.

    I don't think you can yet know what the future holds, what you want, or what's right for you. And the biggest challenge there is to simply give it time, and recognize that, eventually, things will work out. The challenge is getting from here to there. And that's where EC can be most helpful.

    I hope you'll stick around and share your thoughts with the community.
     
  13. Atreu

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    That's hard Clay. My wife is encouraging me to talk and I'm still too scared, too worried that I'll somehow break the family apart. I can't imagine how I would broach the subject if she didn't want to talk about it. Our household is very busy between work and the kids (two very active boys 2 and 4) so it sometimes feels like there is NO TIME to talk about anything, never-mind our feelings. About a year ago we found that we were drifting apart and getting really irritable with each other. A friend suggested that we have a weekly meeting just to check-in. This has really helped. It's got us in the habit of just sharing how we are feeling about ANYTHING. I dunno, maybe it's a start. When you start talking sometimes it's hard to stop.
     
  14. JClay

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    Atreu, Your situation sounds rough too, in a different sort of way. I’m wondering if you have any feel for why your wife wants to talk about it if you aren’t there yet.

    Also, I get being afraid of blowing up the family you have. Our boys are 7 and 4, and I can’t imagine losing them.

    I like the idea about making a weekly appointment to talk. It gets hard, in between work and kids, to focus on the person you’re actually married to. I think I’m gonna look for the opportunity to tell my wife that I need to talk with her about this some more, not in a destructive to the marriage sort of way, but because it’s part of me that she deserves to know too.

    Hang in there!
     
  15. JClay

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    Thanks Chip! I can’t believe how many people there are out there dealing with this stuff. I really thought I was all alone.