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So here I am

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Thomas094, Aug 28, 2018.

  1. Thomas094

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    53 -married and father of three.

    Have always questioned - recently it has grown significantly -who am I and where

    I love my wife with all my heart

    Tonight we started a talk and was almost said

    I am in between - not sure if gay or bisexual.

    Loved sex with my wife and she is a treasure but recognize men are more what I gravitate too

    Love is great - and is hard

    Asked my wife if she wants anything else- answer is no -because she is that amazing

    but me -what do I do
     
  2. HardToSay

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    Hi Thomas....

    Well, you seem to be in a predicament, here... May I ask if you have ever experixented?
     
  3. Nickw

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    Hey

    I came out as a bisexual to my wife a couple years ago...I was 55. The main thing you do is just take things a day at a time. It is hard to understand this, but, time can be your friend right now. My wife was accepting and supportive of my needs. You just need to be open and honest with her.

    This is a process with many possibilities for your life and how you share it with your wife. Results and solutions/lifestyles vary dramatically.

    What you want, and what you need, may also take some time. It is not uncommon to not really understand yourself while you are guarding a secret from your spouse. Once the burden of that secret disappears, sometimes there is more clarity.

    Best to you man.
     
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  4. Thomas094

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    HardToSay - I have experimented 2x - felt guilty as it was in past 2 years while away on business - it felt exciting and good and of course I felt awfull - the other guy was married and he has been dipping into the affairs with guys for years. I ultimately was not able to reconcile it - the cheating. That being said it was what I thought it would be - but interestingly enough not so earth shattering that I would come home and say I am gay. Not sure this makes sense
    Nickw I respect your courage in what I did - I would like to be honest -just not sure how. I am seeing a counselor end of this week who specializes in anxiety, male issues, sexuality and on the form I put it out there what is going on so I could not chicken out once I got there.

    We shall see
     
  5. Biguy45

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    It’s tough to go through. I also cheated on my wife with a man once about a year and a half ago before I came to my senses. I realized I didnt love gay sex more than I love my wife. So, aside from being on this forum and the occasional gay porn session, I’ve decided to just keep my bisexuality to myself. It has worked for me but may not be possible for you
     
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  6. Thomas094

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    I hope I can figure it out - what I think is I need to get my head around what I want and what makes sense. I do not watch porn (I don't Where the Bears Are on Utube as porn -LOL. Part of me thinks I am just fixated on this one aspect of my life and I need it back in perspective. I know I need to take time and be rational and somehow come to accept that this really part of me and it doesn't have to be bad- not there yet
     
  7. Biguy45

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    There is definitely nothing wrong with being bi or gay. I don’t feel at all ashamed of that. I feel shame over cheating on my wife. It can’t happen again, and if it ever did, I’d have to come clean to her. It actually wasn’t my first gay experience, I experimented with a guy friend several times when I was a teenager, so I know it’s more than just a fluke. I seem to be doing ok now, I just hope it stays that way
     
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  8. Thomas094

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    I agree nothing wrong with being gay or bi-- but not how I have identified myself for my whole life. I experimented 1x as teen ager but definitely not a good experience - he want to kiss explore etc - he just wanted a BJ and that was it - I hated it and put that to rest as mistake in college and moved on and did not look back. Well now I also see that was his perspective and not mine and that experience was more about what he needed and not me.
     
  9. Biguy45

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    My experimentation was a positive experience, but I too put it behind me and never gave it much thought again til a couple of years ago. At the same time, my attractions to women have never let up. I still cherish every hetero experience I’ve ever had. I like being bi, but it’s not hard for me to give up the gay side and stick to hetero. Of course, being able to do both would be best. You can’t get everything in life though
     
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  10. Nickw

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    Thomas094

    Before I came out to my wife, I had two near misses on experimentation with other men. One was a bartender that I flirted with. He propositioned me and it, completely, floored me. That a man, twenty years younger, would find me attractive, shook me to the core. I had written off the idea that a guy my age could explore his same sex attractions was not an idea I had even considered. I knew I was bisexual and had sexual fantasies that someday I would experience some of my fantasies. But, that was it.

    Then my wife became asexual with menopause. I became depressed, sexually frustrated, anxious, withdrawn and started to become angry at my wife. So, I decided she deserved to be cheated on. So, I almost hooked up. Came to my senses and got into some counseling. I got my anger under control, spent a great deal of time on this site discussing my sexuality and desires and finally came out to her one day.

    To my surprise, she just laughed. Especially, when I told her I wanted to hookup for a hand job. She still teases me to this day about how bad I was at cheating. She doesn't consider my sexual desires and relationships with men as a threat to her. We even started working on intimacy again and found some of it back again.

    I know how intense the desires can be at our age. So, I don't judge anyone who finds themselves in a down low situation. I also know how incredibly difficult it is to come out. But, it was one of the best things I ever did. When I look back, I cannot imagine how I didn't share such a big part of me with my life partner.

    Each relationship is different.
     
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  11. Thomas094

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    Thanks Nickw -appreciate the input.- I respect how you found your path and your honesty in life. It can be done!
     
  12. BrainTrain

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    Hey Thomas, just a thought - are all of your sexual needs met by your wife? I was with a woman for four years who clearly wasn't on the same page as me with her low sex drive. This in turn led me to repress my own sexual desires and stop taking care of myself sexually.

    Point being, are you still taking care of yourself personally from a self pleasure perspective? Are you still able to enjoy your own body?

    I developed a lot of personal guilt about just being a sexual person. Self pleasure and exploration with your own body might be a great place to start.
     
    #12 BrainTrain, Aug 30, 2018
    Last edited: Aug 30, 2018
  13. Thomas094

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    BrainTrain. Our sex life has dwindled to almost nothing so that doesn’t help as I love sex. My wife was my first and only woman. I loved the feeling. We both have contributed to this state. As for self pleasure not much and usually is a quick hand job in the shower and thus just a release and not pleasure oriented
     
  14. Biguy45

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    My sex life with my wife has dwindled as well. I have long masturbation sessions complete with butt plugs and Dildos whenever I can. It’s not the same but i do enjoy it it gets me through the periods between sex with my wife
     
  15. Thomas094

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    Maybe I need to investigate some options. Not sure what a butt plug does or how used!?
     
  16. Biguy45

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    Pretty much what the name implies. I have vibrating ones. I put them up my butt and they vibrate against my prostate. Makes for an intense orgasm. Other ones don’t vibrate but most of mine do. You have to be into anal or it’s just not a good option for you. Either way, a long jerk off session can be quite pleasant
     
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  17. Thomas094

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    I am going to google to visualize it - and I miss long jerk off sessions- quickies just don't do it anymore
     
  18. Thomas094

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    I read up on it and found a good article - intriguing - did you order on line or do an actual store visit - that would seem odd. My only issue is I have kids that like to open deliveries sometimes!
     
  19. Biguy45

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    I just went to the store that way I could check them out and make sure I could get the right size. No point in getting one I can’t fit in. You will need to buy lube as well
     
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  20. BrainTrain

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    I can totally relate to this. What I'm finding success with right now is taking the time to please myself sexually. Even if I'm not 100% in the mood, it's really empowering to take ownership of your own sexual pleasure instead of waiting for someone else to do it for you.

    Enjoy your body explorations!